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I opened a Snapchat account late last night to see what all the fuss was about. Shit was blowing up my Twitter timeline, so I finally caved with much apprehension, like a baby duckling taking to the open water for the first time. My fears would soon be realized after a flurry of middle fingers, meat ‘n potatoes, and ass cracks smacked me across my face no more than 30 seconds within sharing my username.
Just total smut, man, and mostly unpleasant smut.
Regardless of what Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel claims about the app’s intended use, it’s a sexting program — a 10 second or less nudie sharing avenue with a self-destruct function. Finally, a way to shoot some nudes to that special (or casual) someone without the worry of it going public. The photos are erased forever. Embrace it, Spiegs, that is why the damn thing is so popular, you know.
“I’m not convinced that the whole sexting thing is as big as the media makes it out to be,” he said. “I just don’t know people who do that. It doesn’t seem that fun when you can have real sex.”
Look, don’t piss on my shoe and tell me it’s raining, Evan. Snapchat, d.b.a. Smutchat, was invented with a little boobie action at the forefront of your business plan. It might as well be in your mission statement.
Let the nudies commence.
Evidenced by a newly created website, the very, very, VERY NSFW Snapchat Sluts, free-spirited young women (and yeah, some dudes too I would assume) are sharing their T&A at a pace estimated to be 6 TPS (tits per second). Just hammers poppin’ up on iPhone screens at 5-second snapshots all over the damn place. It’s growing, too.
Snapchat isn’t a perfect system, however. There is a known flaw — a pretty fatal known flaw — that allows the photo recipient to capture the photo, then obviously do whatever he or she pleases with it, and this is the screenshot function that exists on pretty much all major smart phones. Don’t worry though, the ole Snapchat application designers throw you a bone by informing the sender that the recipient screenshot your ass (or tits). It’s like a courteous “Aaaaaaand just so you know, your titties will be hitting the worldwide web any second now. That asshole just saved them on his phone. Whoops!”
I can’t help but think of my cousin Elise, my dear, sweet, wide-eyed college freshman cousin Elise. Don’t you get sucked into this smut trap.
And chill out, guys. This won’t slow down the Snapchat promiscuity, and that’s definitely not my intention. I’m just sayin’ be careful out there, kids.