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I Stayed Sober On New Year’s Eve And It Was The Worst Decision Of My Life

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new year's eve sober

Well, I guess I learned my lesson.

On New Year’s Eve I decided to be the “responsible friend.” Yuck.

I drank way too much the last few times I went out and it had been catching up to me, so I decided to take a break. All my friends were gonna be absolutely hammered, so I decided I could be there to make sure nobody dies or commits any felonies. Every crew needs a sober mind to make sure no one commits a murder or steals the steals the Declaration of Independence.

Worst fucking mistake of my life.

That fateful night, I discovered the unimaginable pain of having to babysit a bunch of drunk psychopaths, leaving no room for any imaginable type of “fun.” And for some reason, my friends decided to use that night to let loose with all their intoxicated melodrama and I felt like I was trapped in some trashy, low-budget soap opera but with more shot glasses and vomit.

I’ll use some fake names to protect the not-so-innocent. First off, it was my friend Matt’s birthday. His birthday is New Year’s Day, so we were having a double celebration for NYE and his birthday. Killing two drunk birds with one stone. It was about ten of us going on a bar crawl.

For some reason that the world may never understand, Matt drunkenly decided to make out with another girl in front of his girlfriend. It was a pretty ballsy move, and needless to say it did not end well: he and his girlfriend got in a massive argument in front of a huge crowd. Obviously it was fun to watch at first, but then I realized I was gonna have to pick up the pieces.

His girlfriend was bawling like she just watched the first 10 minutes of Up, and she dumped him on the spot and stormed out. She just went home. Then Matt starts crying uncontrollably like his pet turtle just overdosed and now I gotta console this obnoxious douchebucket even though he did this to himself. I was like, “Yeah, man, that was so shitty of her” even though she made the most rational decision anyone has ever made ever.

After all this breakup drama, almost the whole group just went home because it was so awkward. This left me with just one friend left: John. He was way too annihilated and was hitting on girls left and right, but not in an acceptable way. Drunkenly asking random women for a dance or a kiss and annoying the crap out all of ‘em and all that. I had to drag him away and whisper, “Sorry, he’s drunk,” but then he’d walk right back up to ‘em and try again.

John then kept knowingly hitting on girls with boyfriends. Eventually one of the boyfriends tried to beat John up, so I had to walk in and intervene. John, needless to say, got no action with the ladies that night. Eventually I just shoved him in my car, wherein he puked all over my backseat projectile-style like a scene from The Exorcist.

It’s no fun to be the only sober friend. I learned that the hard way. The lesson is, if you’re gonna go out and drink, get as drunk as humanly possible so you don’t have to take care of anyone. Leave that job to some other poor asshole.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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