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Sorority Date Functions: Survive Or Thrive

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Simply put, sorority date functions are buns. Why? Because fraternity date functions exist. Contrast is important, and maybe sorority date functions would be a blast if we didn’t have something to compare them to. Let’s run through some possible scenarios you may face, and how best to handle them.

You are set up with a girl you don’t know.

Survive: Get casually drunk, hang around her roommates and the date that got you set up in the first place.

Thrive: Do as much damage as possible to the sorority’s liquor tab, combine reds and whites to make your own rose´. Text her dad from her phone letting him know that she’s in good hands now. Or, just black out and let your autopilot brain handle everything.

Everyone is shuttling on buses to a long-distance venue.

Survive: Sit in the back and drink Burnett’s out of a wilting water bottle to help your date avoid the Standards chair. Talk about how glad you are that her Little is on the same bus, and how excited you are to meet her Big at the venue.

Thrive: Handcuff yourself to your date, and inform her that you tricked her into swallowing the key this morning. Convince her to chug the fifth you brought until she throws up and you can find the key — everyone has fun. Or, just black out and let your autopilot brain handle everything.

You don’t know anyone there.

Survive: Socialize with the 99%; make new friends.

Thrive: Use your charisma to entice your apostles to take shots whenever you command. Become the karaoke king, regardless of whether or not that microphone is there for karaoke. Or, just black out and let your autopilot brain handle everything.

You accept an invitation to the function of the sorority your ex is in.

Survive: Try to keep your head down, maintain a low profile throughout the evening, and avoid stirring up drama by highlighting unresolved conflicts between the two of you.

Thrive: You knew what you were doing when you accepted this invitation. You were asking for trouble, you live for danger, and this is your moment to crush. Just slap on some of the cologne she bought you for eating Easter brunch with her family and hover around her table for most of the night. Hover just in the periphery of her eyes and let your pheromones do the talking for you. Or, you know, that blacking out thing.

She wants to take a picture of the two of you like a couple to post on social media.

Survive: Smile, one arm around the waist, throw her a like, compliment her for her incredibly original caption.

Thrive: Own it, own all of it. Cup the booty, stare at her chest, and lean into the idea of you two being in an exclusive relationship that it won’t mess up your game at all. This is your new brand; you’re the guy who flirts big and crushes date functions. Respond to every comment on her Instagram, whether they’re about you or not. Or, maybe it’s time to get your drinking under control.

You are sick, this is a problem, and your life is spiraling. You’re swirling towards the black abyss and you need to get it under control. Stop breaking the promises you made to your D.A.R.E. officer just to impress some girl that wants to use you for your body.

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