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The day might come when you think you’re safe and secure in your cradle of power. Insulated, protected, and rejuvenated by the healing properties of senior year fraternity member status. But I’m here to tell you that things can go terribly wrong.
I was cucked recently on Facebook, the strongest form of social media for the elderly which is still highly visible to the youth of today. And no, I don’t mean “cucked” like my girl posted photos with another guy. I mean “cucked” like any normal human being says it in 2017 America. This she-devil showed her true colors and came for my neck online. She went after my social status and succeeded in tarnishing it even more than I already had. Diabolical.
My fraternity received a general invite to a pretty standard annual philanthropy event being held by a sorority. The long and short of it is that it’s a big bake sale put on in one of the dining halls. Being that it lacks anything competitive in nature, serves no alcohol, and is on campus, it certainly can’t be qualified as an elite event. Regardless, it’s still a staple of the philanthropy calendar.
I showed up a couple hours into the event with Leo and Philly Joe. We browsed the goods, refused to use the plasticware, and called the girls out for daring to try and pass off store-bought Rice Krispies Treats as homemade. You’re probably thinking, “Aren’t they called ‘Rice Krispie Treats?’” No, Google it.
So there we were — just minding our own business while enjoying delicious treats and supporting bunion awareness or some shit — when a nice girl with a professional camera approached us. She asked to take a picture of us for their Facebook event page because we were all in our letters. Obviously, we obliged. Face time is everything, and the seemingly never-ending path toward being a social God is why I wake up in the morning. The night goes on, we eat more than our money’s worth, and we go on our way.
All in all, we were totally low key while there. We were good boys, we brought honor to our fraternity, and everyone went home happy. I had no idea of the storm that would hit me.
I was sitting in Stats class the next day browsing Facebook (blissfully unaware of the fact that I’d end up failing said class) and I saw an album of photos from the event. As I began to click through it, all I cared about was finding my own handsome mug smiling back at me. Being on a sorority’s official page is a great move, and it was my time to shine. Eagerly, I clicked on until I found it.
The setting was just as I remembered: the three of us with mounds of brownies stacked to the goddamn ceiling, smiling like only naïve men could. The shot turned out well enough, and I was ready for my clout reader to start clicking up the ticker. It was time for my Bar Mitzvah into socially elite manhood.
My eyes moved to the right side of the screen… where only Leo was tagged. Needless to say, moments like this are why I have Drake’s music on my iPhone. But as my eyes dropped slightly lower, I read the only comment on the photo.
“The rest of these unknown ATO males strictly requested to be tagged in this photo, so if anyone knows, tag them [smiley emoji]”
WOW. This is why I have Immortal Technique on my iPhone.
First of all, Casey, you know my name. Secondly, how dare you post that fake SOS asking for help finding out who we are. Thirdly, you tagged Leo and not me?! Fourth complaint, you threw in that soul-sucking emoji to spit on my grave after you buried me? And finally, you combined all of that and posted it on your official page as a nuclear bomb against my fragile ego?!? TO WHAT END?!?!
Casey completely and utterly shook up my brand. Immediately after this happened, I had to start going to the gym and library to get human face time like some kind of barbarian. I’d put my wallet-sized composite photos under cars’ window wipers to raise awareness of me. If that bake sale isn’t dedicated to me next year, I will buy out every box of Rice Krispies Treats from Target and sabotage the fuck out it.
I have a few people to blame for this. My parents, for giving me unreal expectations about my self-worth. Casey, for hiding her sinister and deviant personality/agenda from the get-go. The writers of Lost for creating that spiderweb plot of atrocities that yields no concrete answers. Mark Zuckerberg for not immediately flagging and removing the photo. And, last but not least, not me. Not ever me.
Stay woke, and I don’t mean monitor the government for conspiracies and keep up-to-date with social trends. I mean be aware of snakes in the grass looking to shatter your image.
My war with Mark Zuckerberg rages on..
Image via Shit Frat Guys Say, a TFM original video starring Jimmy Tatro that you can watch below