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Spring Break Advice From A Veteran

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Spring Break Advice From A Veteran

Soon, if not already, we’ll all be taking our debauchery on the road for spring break. Perhaps you’ll brave the cartel-ridden cities and beaches of Mexico, or the cannibal and bath-salt infested streets of Florida. Either way, making it through these trips isn’t always as easy as it may seem. So, I figured you all might want some tips on surviving. If you want to make it through alive while having a ridiculous time, just do the following:

1. Don’t keep all of your valuables on you when you go out.

I made this mistake one year, only to nearly lose everything, including my shirt. I took all my money down to the beach, proceeded to black out, and woke up the next morning with my bag duct-taped to my wrist. Had they not taped my shit to me, I would have been immeasurably fucked and without money for the rest of the week. That’s how you know your brothers are looking out for you. Carry cash, but not your life savings, and leave your cards at home. It’ll save you the awful realization that you dropped nearly $1,000 at the bar one night.

2. Have plenty of parties, just use someone else’s place.

For some reason, even for the most organized and responsible of chapters, spring break means shit will be fucked up. So fucked up, in fact, that if this was the way the chapter functioned on a regular basis, the treasurer would be found hanging in the broom closet with a noose around his neck. So, when you go to have your spring break ragers, don’t use your beach houses and cabins. Get to know the other people around you, and party at their places. If you’re feeling courteous, bring some of the alcohol. It’s hard enough to recover your security deposit without the added headache of cleaning up something that resembles the blackest depths of the sixth circle of Hell by the end of the week. You could have eaten food off the goddamn carpets at our place last year, and we only got half of the deposit back.

3. Figure out how much you need for the week, take double.

You may think you each need about $800 in spending money, and only about 25 cases for the five of you going. Get double. You’ll go through all of it, intentionally or unintentionally, and then suddenly find yourself in need of making a run to the store or ATM mid-week. Avoid that at all costs. When we hit the store at PCB last year, it looked like a scene out of Mad Max or some shit. I was worried a rouge band of brothers from some other state was going to try and take our half-palate of beer by force. You will drink twice what you normally drink, I guarantee it.

4. Hydrate.

This should go without saying, but half of our group last year didn’t hydrate properly, and had a hellish second day there because we drank nothing but booze and sat in the sun all day. Passing out before you ever make it out at night fucking sucks. You miss a lot of good times. So just do what our coaches taught us all these years and drink some fucking water.

5. If you’re out of the country, don’t piss off the locals.

Depending on where you’re going, pissing off the locals can go from just a dumb idea to a potentially life-threatening one. Foreigners, especially Mexicans, do not fuck around with American tourists. They like our money, but they don’t generally like us. That OTPHJ or dance floor blow job may be tolerated here, but outside the US, you’ll be lucky to get off without a hefty bribe or a trip to the local jail. Another bit of advice: have a brother or two always meet up with you before returning home for the night. I heard horror stories about guys getting robbed and left naked on the side of the road because they got in the wrong cab alone. Keep tabs on your brothers, and everyone should have a fucking awesome break. This advice also applies in parts of the Texas coastline and the Florida panhandle. It may be the US still, but the locals hate us with a passion.

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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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