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Allow us to take a quick stroll down memory lane and reminisce on the glorious debauchery that was spring break: Panama City Beach. Oh, wait, you probably don’t remember any of it. Excluding the poor old folk that had the room below you in the hotel you trashed, nobody remembers PCB.
Among the comedies and crimes committed that we have eulogized, a few personal favorites include the Saga of the Stolen Ambulance and the Drifting Damsels (Airborne Bitties? Soaring Sorority Girls?). However, due to PCB’s recent ban on alcohol, things are a bit toned down — like the Mojave Desert, but with sand volleyball courts.
The response of Panama City, with regards to spring break booze, has elicited a rash of Florida beaches to issue warnings against potential spring breakers in an effort to prevent the ubiquitous collegiate hedonism from spreading to their own territory (Gulf Shores just straight up banned alcohol for the remainder of spring break). While I consider this a lowbrow form of fear mongering, it has, nevertheless, proven its effectiveness.
So what is a fine scholar, such as you, to do? But of course, hit the alabaster sands of Daytona Beach, where the alcohol ban has been disregarded for years and the county is hurting so much for tourism money that they still allow Bike Week to roll through town.
The results? Spring breakers have turned up on the sands of Daytona en masse, resulting in crowds that have gotten wildly out of control, so much so that the Sheriff’s Office has been enlisted to aid the anemic Beach Patrol in handling the “situation.”
The Volusia County Beach Patrol has called in reinforcements to deal with huge crowds of spring breakers.
Just two weeks into the Spring Break season, students have crowded into Daytona Beach and more than 100 of them have been arrested.
Want to know the best part? The rookies that are Volusia County Beach Patrol are so new to the spring break swarm that, despite the numerous signs, they believe it when you tell them “I didn’t know that alcohol was prohibited on the beach.” This means that if you do get busted with a bottle of beer, they’ll give you a chance and just ask you to dump it out, meaning you can just whip out that “Emergencies Only” flask of whiskey you stash under your car seat and keep on keeping on. However, if you are a dumbass and don’t have an emergency flask, you can always duke it out, like that guy named Jayme did, who managed to hospitalize an officer with a dislocated shoulder. Needless to say, poor Jayme was arrested that fateful evening.
But whatever your plans may be, remember kids, spring break responsibly..