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I was watching some NSFW videos yesterday and came (Editor’s note: HA!) to the conclusion that Standing 69 is the dumbest position in all of sex. It’s a stupid, inefficient position performed exclusively by drunks. A porn actor may go in sober, but a regular person would never attempt the position less than 9 drinks deep. It makes sense, though; imagine being sober and trying to explain your idea for the night’s next position to your new girl.
“And for this next one, I’m going to invert you until all of the blood from your lower extremities pools in your brain. You ready!?”
My main issue with the Standing ‘9er is that the effort required to successfully pull it off and the risks associated with its execution heavily outweigh the rewards. There are absolutely zero benefits gained from standing versus the traditional laying down configuration. The value added is zilch, and the potential complications are significant.
First and foremost, it requires flipping another human being upside down. And I don’t care if your partner is only 110 pounds, that’s still goddamn heavy. If it were easy to flip people upside down, you’d see pranksters sneaking up to strangers on the street and just flipping the living daylights out of them. It would probably turn into one of those viral things like planking. #Flipping. Imagine how many people would capture #flipping videos using Boomerang. Those would actually be the best Boomerang videos of all time. Anyways, my point is that it takes a lot of strength and effort to even get into position to execute the Standing 69.
Aside from the requisite effort, it’s also a very risky position. The most obvious risk is dropping your partner. If your hands slip mid-session and you drop your lady friend, you might as well be tombstoning her like you’re The Undertaker. One untimely bicep cramp and you’ve booked the top of her skull a one-way ticket into your floor. That’s way too much pressure for me. I can’t possibly enjoy myself knowing that the future of someone’s spinal cord is literally in my hands. I just don’t trust myself enough. I can barely go a full day without dropping my iPhone, and I treat that thing like a newborn. Side note: I also hate holding people’s babies. I get zero satisfaction from doing so, and I always feel like I’m going to damage it. Why do people always ask me if I want to hold their baby? I don’t, and they shouldn’t want me to. Okay, back to the risks of the upright 69.
Aside from dropping your girl on her melon, there’s a less obvious but equally substantial physical risk in the position: ceiling fans. One of my friends drunkenly tried to Standing 69 his girlfriend and didn’t realize his ceiling fan was on high. It’s all fun and games until your girl’s ankles get annihilated. Nothing kills a babe’s sex drive like a high velocity fan blade to the foot. That’s an immediate halt to all further intercourse. That poor chick… Try explaining that one to mom.
“Last week you hurt the top of your head, this week your ankles are all bruised? What is going on with you, Stacy?”
*Disclaimer*: The person most at risk of being dropped on their head and/or losing their feet is the female, as she’s usually the one suspended in the air. There are however, some instances in which a strong woman could, in theory, flip the man over. That’s the exception, though; not the rule.
It’s for these reasons that I steer clear of the Standing 69. I just don’t see the risk:reward ratio being worth the attempt. If someone comes up with a better way to do it, I’m totally game. Until then, I’ll stick with the regular laying down 69 and a little bit of missionary. Both are safe, fun, and easy to execute.
In fact, those are the only two positions I really need in sex. I know missionary is kind of lame, and that everyone these days is supposed to be into these wild positions like “flying sideways cowgirl” or whatever, but I’m a simple man with simple tastes. I enjoy regular cream cheese on my plain bagel, a bed beneath me during foreplay, and a pleasant, old school missionary sesh..
Image via Shutterstock