I apologize for my extended absence. Okay, actually, no I don’t. In fact, feel free to substitute overused phrases like “sorry I’m not sorry” or “zero fucks given” to my absence. Let’s not dwell on silly questions like “What has Sterling Cooper been doing”, “Why won’t he return my phone calls”, or “Did he have anything to do with [fill in the blank] police reports.” The important thing is that this is a new year, and there are a lot of things about to happen that we need to be ready for. However, before I delve into how 2012 is going to explode, I’d like to look back on the weirdness that was 2011.
1. Occupy Wall Street- Okay look, the whole Occupy thing has been talked to death. At this point, it’s a little late to be wondering what they really want or how a large number of people from our generation didn’t learn basic hygiene rules. Here’s my problem with Occupy people: if they really think there’s super-injustice going on, why wouldn’t they choose to do something badass about it? If a group of hippies was going around robbing banks and leaving iPads and homemade bongos on poor people’s doorsteps, I’d be 100% against them. But at the same time, I’d have to respect their balls. If you wanna make Robin Hood a hero, at least try to be like him, guys. Standing around with misspelled signs and misguided ideas about how capitalism works in puddles of your own filth isn’t heroic…it’s just sad.
2. BCS National Championship (yes, technically 2012, but who fucking cares)- SEC fans are going to eternally hate me for this, but I left my spare fucks in my other pants today. Here’s one thing I’ll say. Alabama, you guys kicked the shit out of LSU. I mean sure, your offense wasn’t all that impressive either. You guys kicked so many balls, it looked like a goddamn soccer game. But your defense stepped up. So good job. But now that your atta boy time is up, go fuck yourselves. Were LSU and Alabama the two best teams in the country? Maybe. I could make a case that Oklahoma State’s offense would’ve shredded the now deceased Honey Badger and his crew of yellow and purple goons. Against Alabama’s defense…I’d say a toss up. But the point is: I WANTED TO FIND OUT. I don’t give a shit about fairness under the BCS system. I’m a selfish asshole, and I demand to see a good game. I think Boise State in general should go sit on blue painted horse dick, but I still got pissed when they got tossed in with Arizona State, who deserved to be there about as much as my buddy Watkins deserves to be allowed in a strip club ever again (he threw a handful of nickels at a stripper…MAKE IT HAIL). But, guess what. Both of those things happened. So I’ll say it again. Figure out some sort of playoff system, or God as my witness, I will start watching MLS Soccer instead. Don’t think I won’t!
3. 2012 Presidential Race- I’ll probably write a full column about this at some point, but here are a few quick tidbits. First, I haven’t seen a panel made up of so many fucking idiots since one of my drunken pledge brothers broke our remote, forcing all of us to watch The View for five minutes before we solved that problem by breaking the TV as well. Could we have just manually turned it off? Sure. But who the fuck thinks that’s fun? But I digress. I’m gonna be honest guys, unless the Republicans pull their shit together, I don’t see any way to avoid another four years of news specials focusing on our President’s supposed basketball skills. Which leads me to my second point. If we have a president with legitimate athletic ability in a particular sport (scratch golfer, All-American wide receiver, sick nasty ping pong skills etc), then I get the idea of focusing on it every now and then. But have you seen Obama play basketball? Not only is he just so-so, he’s not even good enough to make our first team intramural squad. And our Gatorade cooler is full of booze. And we play like it.
In summation, 2011 was just a weird year overall. You could probably call it the “homeless guy who plays Hungry Like The Wolf on kazoo every day outside of Rite Aid” of years. But, my friends, I’m confident that we can redeem ourselves this year. In fact, if we follow a few rules that I will key you in on at a later date, I can guarantee that 2012 will be the Year Of The Fraternity Man…or at least a lot cooler than 2011. Like David Lee Roth to 2011’s Sammy Hagar cooler. Or like…ah fuck it. I’ll save the ridiculous analogies for next time.