When I heard that the We Are Mizzou crew was producing a sequel to their cringe inducing, almost universally despised original video, I resolved not to cover it. I was going to do my alma mater a solid and look the other way. I was going to let this abortion of a video be a quiet, back alley abortion.
But then Deadspin had to go and cover it, so fuck me, right? Looks like we’re going to make this a spectacle abortion after all. And a spectacle abortion really is an apt metaphor for this video. Watching it, as well as watching it make its way around the web, is exactly like watching a painful, poorly performed abortion take place onstage in a crowded theater, right down to the singing in the video being as grating to hear as a wire hanger scraping the cervix and producing a “nails on chalkboard” screech. This video is that horrifying, at least for Mizzou fans.
If you don’t know the video I’m talking about, here it is…
Actually first, if you’re a Mizzou fan, fair warning, you might want to close your eyes Raiders of the Lost Ark style. Otherwise your face will melt off as your soul is dragged to hell by the pure evil you’re about to be viewing.
If you’re a kansas fan, or just hate Mizzou, this is going to be like watching some sort of torture porn full of impossibly hot women. The dark part of you will love it, but your tiny shred of humanity will still be screaming for you to look away.
Without further ado, here’s the actual video:
I would’ve rather just watched a four minute lemon party set to a Puddle of Mudd song. I mean, what else is there to say? It fucking sucks. When I’m in Columbia for the Georgia game, and some Georgia fan inevitably makes fun of Mizzou by referencing this video, I’ll have no comeback. Referencing this video is a shutdown burn, on par with something like this:
“Yeah well at least I didn’t give a handjob to my best friend at lacrosse camp when I was twelve.”
“I told you that in confidence at the pledge retreat you SON OF A BITCH!”
Yeah, this is “deep dark gay secret being exposed” bad.
Another reason that I didn’t want to cover this video is because I didn’t want to rip the kids who made it. To the
creative team behind this video: Please stop making these. I’m not going to be a bastard and call you untalented. It takes a lot of hard work to produce a video, any video. Considering the production quality on this particular one, I’m going to assume you spent a lot of time on it and exerted quite a bit of effort. I will give credit where credit is due.
But you know what else took time and effort? The Holocaust.
These videos are not your forte. If you are talented and would like to keep pursuing a creative path then it might be time to start collaborating with other people or focusing on other things (seriously please focus on other things). Your “teaser” for this video was far more enjoyable than watching you prance and rowboat through a field while a song that even Jason Aldean would consider awful groans in the background.
The amateur white kid music video trend needs to die, forever. Mizzou is FAR from the only offender, but I’ll be damned if we aren’t sucking with the best of them.
Again, please stop making these videos. I wish you all the best in life, but I hope YouTube bans you forever like you’re all Malaysian child pornographers.