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Stuff Frat People Hate: Clingers

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While there are countless things we as fraternal men like and enjoy, there’s no way you can sustain our extravagant lifestyles without remembering the many things out there we hate.

One of the classic offenders on this nearly endless list of hatred is the legendary “clinger.” By definition, a clinger is a sorostitute who at first glance appears completely normal (loves crafting, blowjobs, and making you sandwiches), but becomes a completely different entity post-hookup.

Somewhere in this young woman’s upbringing (read: daddy issues), the distinction between “slampiece” and “girlfriend” is completely lost. Any Fratstar locked in her deathtrap-of-a-vagina is forced to suffer through countless “hey, i miss u,” texts until the situation is rectified.

But have no fear, readers, I am here to tell you not only how to release yourself from this obsessive sorostitute sleeper hold, but how to demote her to proper slampiece status where she belongs.

First of all, completely eliminate all sober contact. If your texts don’t have at least two misspellings, you aren’t nearly drunk enough. Next, when you actually do see her (it better be after 2am, or you aren’t getting the point) keep your conversations as simple as possible. One word answers are the best way to let her know her place: on top of you. If the combination of these douchey but necessary actions fail, you might be in the clutches of the dreaded “Stage 5 Clinger,” and there’s only one thing to do. Run like hell.

To any female readers who haven’t closed this page in a bitch fit, trust me I mean no disrespect. The clinger is a rare beast and these rules should not be applied to girls with any integrity to speak of. If you behave like a normal girl should (ie: not sending 32 texts in a row, waiting outside the Frat castle before class to say ‘hi’, or making us mixtapes) you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Just keep up the good work in the kitchen and on the craft table and you’ll be just fine.

Ladies, if you’re still offended, you’re probably an clinger yourself. The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. And trust me, you have one.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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