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Somehow, unbeknownst to all of us, several women in the world have began an uprising. They have cast down their skillets and brooms, and chosen a more masculine form of self-expression. I am referring to, as you may have guessed, the bane of our televisions and 2,000 seat arenas: professional women’s athletics.
At some point in these (typically hideous) females’ lives, they chose to pick up a ball instead of a mop. What surely followed was a life of adversity and shame, no thanks to people like us. Somehow, they persisted (possibly due to a secret Y-chromosome) and eventually became the best of their nearly talentless fields.
What followed was years of mediocrity, specifically for those involved in women’s basketball. Ever suffered through watching a WNBA game? Trick question, of course you haven’t because they fucking show them on Lifetime. And if you had you should give up your letters and possibly your testicles. If your sport-of-choice is regularly followed by a 2 hour movie about the dangers of sexting, maybe you should reconsider your career choice.
Announcers doomed to the purgatory of women’s sports playcalling tend to emphasize the “fundamentals” of these mundane competitions. And every single time, I call bullshit. As fundamentally sound as a textbook WNBA layup may be, I think it’s safe to say that when Kobe Bryant dunks the ball with the ferocity of a charging rhino he may have a few fundamental talents himself. It’s not fundamentals, it’s pure lack of athletic talent. Plain and simple.
While I will rally behind the USA women’s soccer team ten times out of ten (mostly because of Alex Morgan), women’s soccer is a pitiful joke as well. The only women’s sport even worth mentioning is beach volleyball, for blatantly obvious reasons.
There’s a reason you see very few women’s highlights in the Sportscenter Top 10, and no it isn’t because there aren’t any cameras at the games. The “sports” are God awful, the women are too tall to fit in the kitchen, and the 238 fans in the crowd (mostly family) have literally nothing better to do.