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Stuff Frat People Like: Drunken Alter-Egos

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We all know that one brother. By day he may be calm, intelligent, and even appear to be a respectable member of society. But by night, something happens that can only be compared to an alcoholic werewolf on a full-moon bar crawl. When booze touches this gentleman’s lips, his drunken alter-ego comes out, and all hell breaks loose.

There are infinite types of alter-egos you are bound to encounter, but today I’m going to tackle the three you are most likely to find in your fraternal exploits.

First off, you have the destructive Belushi-esque alternate personality. This brother is your risk manager’s worst nightmare. When his metamorphosis occurs, he becomes a clumsy magnet of chaos and debauchery reminiscent of an out of control train with jet engines whose tracks end at a priceless fine china shop. You can track this drunken idiot simply by following the broken bottles and holes in the wall littering the Frat Castle. The best way to deal with these clowns (if you don’t have any form of tranquilizer) is to lock them in their own room to ensure the destruction is limited. Think of it like a “controlled burn.”

Next, is the “Jekyll/Hyde” type. This brother’s drunken persona is a complete 180 from his normal attributes. This brother is typically shy and introverted, but under the influence becomes a social butterfly eagerly dishing out high fives and trying to hit every high note in his rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody.” In a lot of ways, this drunken alter-ego is an improvement and should be encouraged at all costs. It’s always fun to see a brother go from casually sipping a beer to shirtless rage mode surrounded by sorostitutes with a beaming smile on his face.

Finally is the ever annoying “Rocky Balboa” drunk. This character embraces a slurring combination of violence and borderline mental retardation. It is not uncommon to see him headbutting doors, brothers, and even pledges (to be fair they probably had it coming). Much like the Italian Stallion after whom he’s named, he simply doesn’t know when to quit. If he’s still stumbling around after 5 in the morning, for the love of God pull a Clubber Lang and put that asshole to bed. He’ll thank you in the morning. Everyone else will thank you right away.

Everyone knows a few guys who take their drunken exploits to a whole new level. While dealing with them is no easy task, most of the time they’re more entertaining than anything. Plus, they make the rest of us look sane in comparison.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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