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As another semester of this four year-party we call “college” wraps up, it’s time to kick back, relax, and welcome the paradise known as summer. Summer is life’s way of rewarding you for the minimal effort you put into achieving mediocre grades this past year. It’s a break from the everyday drudgery of waking up at noon, skipping class, and going out each night. So technically it’s not a break from anything except skipping class. But for some reason, summer is just better than any other season of the year (except for maybe gameday season). It’s the prime time for day drinking by the pool, surrounded by the great scenery of sorority girls in skimpy bikinis. It’s the time that the new female prospects start their college drinking and slutting careers. And it’s the time when there’s no school, or the one class you’re taking is a joke. There’s also the 4th of July, enough said.
No matter what, if done right, summer is a great fucking time. However, there are many routes you can take to enjoy your summer. Some are as follows:
So You’re Staying in Your College Town During Summer…
Good job. You might have made the best move possible by staying at college for summer. You get to look forward to three months of debauchery. You have all the time in the world (minus the 12+ hours of sleep every day) to do things that would probably even make Howard Stern shake his head. As previously stated, you get to look forward to pool beers with the bros, as well as a plethora of dumb, incoming freshmen. Cruising through summer freshman orientations is like hunting deer at a wounded fawn nursery. It almost sounds too good to be true, but it’s not as long as you maintain peak physical condition. You will be doing a lot of drinking. Therefore, it is not only recommended but necessary that you practice blacking out every night leading into summer session. If you stay committed to this conditioning, your liver will be ready, and it will maintain its superior health throughout summer. I’m no doctor, but I think that’s how it works.
So You’re Staying in Your Hometown During Summer…
If you’re staying at home this summer, you might want to look back and reflect upon the decisions you’ve made to get into this position in the first place. Did you not apply for a job in your college town? Did you not try to tell your parents that Creative Writing is a prerequisite for a fall course? Wherever you may have gone wrong, it doesn’t matter because there are still some good things about being home. For one, your parents cook the best meals, and when they don’t, they take you out to expensive restaurants. Second, your parents take care of most of your needs, namely laundry. It’s the same lack of responsibility once enjoyed in high school. You also get a chance to catch up with the GDI friends from high school who you don’t talk to anymore – and don’t particularly want to hang out with but are forced to simply out of sheer boredom. Last, there’s the reconnection with the old slams. Regardless if she’s a sororstitute or just a friend from back home, attractive pussy is pussy, and if you don’t agree, you should probably get yourself checked because you might have early onset erectile dysfunction.
So You’re Working an Internship During Summer…
If you’re working an internship this summer, this probably means your opportunities to rage are not as numerous. Waking up before 8 in the morning every week day will do that. Being forced to work with geeds will do that. Getting stuck in a random town will do that. Therefore, in this situation, it seems like things couldn’t get worse. But luckily there’s a light at the end of the tunnel: the money you will be making. When the new semester rolls around in fall, you will not only have a lot of partying pent up inside, but you will also have the money to make the new semester the longest, hardest, most alcohol and drug-fueled party ever, one that would even put Charlie Sheen to shame. It’s not only your right but also your duty to spend that hard-earned money in the span of just a couple months. If you still have money left come spring, you might be a pussy.
So… Fuck, You’ve Graduated and You’re Actually Working This Summer
Congratulations on graduating. Hopefully you took your sweet time in school and had a victory lap or two. I mean, is four years really enough to get the full college experience of binge drinking and random slamming? No, no it’s not. Now you are entering a new chapter in your life, in which the goal is to move onto bigger and better things: more money, which usually means more women… and nicer things. Take the experiences of those drunken fights, STD scares, failed relationships, celebrated friendships, and times that you just probably don’t remember, and learn from them. Remember that wherever you go, you are a fraternity man. (And that we will be expecting a donation in a couple years, so you better be successful by then).
So You’re “Studying” Abroad During Summer…
I saved this one for last because in some aspects, it’s the best decision, and in others, the worst. First off, you’re not in America. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? This means that you will be surrounded by foreigners 24/7 for one to two months. Can you do it? If you can survive this difficult task, you will have a great time. One of the few things the Europeans got right is their love of alcohol and drugs. As a fratter in America, combined with the drug and alcohol usage in Europe, you’re bound to go on a binger that will make a zombie Amy Winehouse rise from the grave just to party with you. Another good thing about Europeans: some of the women are hot and easy. Obviously there are easy American girls, but European “easy” is a whole other level. There aren’t many things that are better than women who are hot and easy… maybe warm apple pie. While overseas, it is important to remember to reinforce every American stereotype other countries believe about us. There’s no such thing as being obnoxious when you’re demonstrating your love for your country.
Regardless of whichever route you’re choosing to spend your summer doing, may you frat the fuck on.