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Not too long ago Rolling Stone ran a story on fraternity whistle blower Andrew Lohse, detailing his graphic firsthand account of fraternity hazing. That story created a minor media firestorm of fraternity scandal coverage. One doesn’t have to look far to find similar stories, like at Binghamton University, where the administration suspended rush indefinitely until numerous hazing allegations are investigated. Princeton’s general crackdown on pledging has also been in the news; and these are just a few examples. It would seem to someone unfamiliar with Greek Life that our esteemed institutions are at an all time behavioral low. Of course to assume that would be overlooking the fact that positive stories don’t pull in nearly as many readers/viewers as negative, sensational headlines do. Don’t believe me? Well you could sample some headlines on literally any news website, OR you could take this conversation between an old timey newsie and an early 20th century businessman as an example (I recommend the latter).
Newsie: Extras! Extras! Reads alls abouts its!
(*Businessman walks by*)
Newsie: Hey yous dere! Gotchas pape yet today?
Businessman: Ahhh there’s nothing worth reading in there.
Newsie: Sure dere is! Panama Canal nearin’ completion!
Businessman: What do I care about Teddy Rooooz-evelt and a bunch of Pancho Villas playing with shovels!
Newsie: Okay den, yous looks like a college boy. Hows about dis one here? City College fratoinity collects a can fulla nickels fuh orphans who wents blind testin’ out mustuhd gas.
Businessman: A philanthropy story!?! What do I look like? Some sort of trolley fairy chasing balloons down the boulevard?
(*Newsie flips desperately through the pages*)
Newsie: I also gots this othuh story ‘bout a Columbia Univoisity society gettin’ indecency charges.
Businessman: What are we talking about? Sodomy?
Newsie: Uhhh, shoire?
Businessman: I’ll take seven issues.
See? Even a hundred years ago people were more interested in hearing negative news. It goes back to that old journalistic principle, sodomy > orphans. But combine the two and you’ll be selling papers for months (*cough*) Sandusky (*cough*). Wise shall be the bearers of light indeed. That, however, isn’t the point. I don’t really care what other people think of Greek Life. The point is I bet there are plenty of fraternity men out there reading these same headlines that I am and wondering what to do if their chapter is placed on probation or faces expulsion.
I decided that since I’m relatively well read up on all these stories, as well as a fraternity alumnus, I’m as good a person as any to offer some advice. I should warn you though; take anything I say with a grain of salt. TV and movies heavily influence my worldview. In fact television was basically my third parent. The first sex talk I ever got was from Danny Tanner, which regrettably is why I thought kissing could get girls pregnant and why I insisted on wearing a dental dam during games of spin the bottle in junior high. In retrospect that was stupid, the braces would always rip them anyway. Braces: the leading cause of mouth pregnancy. So maybe I’m not as good a person as any to give advice. Maybe I’m actually the worst person to give advice. But like a drunk guy desperate to be a part of a conversation, no one’s going to stop me from putting in my two cents.
So your fraternity is in trouble, what do you do? Go in front of your school’s judicial board? Appeal to the university curators? Contact your influential alumni ASAP? All viable options, I guess. But in times of trouble actions speak louder than words, and action you must take! Here are a couple options:
Mess With the Dean
If your fraternity is getting kicked off campus there’s a pretty good chance the dean is involved. After all your brotherhood has probably been a thorn in the dean’s side for years. The dean’s only goal in life is create a pristine learning environment, so erasing a blemish like your fraternity is of the utmost importance. If they’re trying to sweep your “disgraceful” fraternity under the rug then chances are it’s because they have someone to impress, probably a governor or foreign dignitary or blah blah blah. If that’s the case then your best course of action is to humiliate the dean. Replace all the prized historical items the university holds dear with dildos, offensively humongous dildos. The morning the governor or whoever arrives to inspect the dean’s work, send your fraternity’s most convincing liar to the office disguised as an administrator and have him fire all the dean’s secretaries. Then replace them with filthy prostitutes. Few things infuriate a stuffy old dean more than an incompetent secretary who turns out to be a disease addled hooker. Also if the dean plans on hosting a dinner for their esteemed guests it never hurts to release some AIDS monkeys from the university lab and set them loose on said dinner.
Ruin a University Event (Sporting Events Excluded)
Homecoming parades, awards ceremonies, even graduation; it doesn’t matter. The university is trying to ruin your good time, so you should ruin theirs. Homecoming parades are an optimal time to take your revenge on the university because the whole town is watching. Personally I suggest hiring one of those cartoon pornographers, who draw crazy shit like Aladdin and Jasmine having a flying carpet three way with the Genie, to come and design your float. Nothing is going to ruin a university’s reputation, or scar all the children in attendance, quite like the seven dwarves going DVDADM plus one on a certain princess who’s about to live up to the name “Snow White.” If that is the case then please pomp the words “Whistle while you DO WORK!” on the side of the float. You can ruin other events any number of ways but suffice it to say none of them are going to top releasing AIDS monkeys on the crowd.
Win Some Sort of Competition to Restore Your Honor (But Do So With Wacky Antics)
Things like hazing charges and alcohol violations are serious; luckily winning things like Greek Week usually completely offset those sorts of accusations. Any organization that can choreograph a killer talent routine, win a handful of sports competitions, and do whatever else is involved is clearly too valuable a member of the university to be discarded. To win competitions like this wacky antics are a necessity. Get your rival fraternity’s skit star to say “Macbeth” backstage so that a giant stage light crushes him mid performance. Give everyone you’re going up against, in literally every contest, diarrhea. I’m sure it’ll adversely affect their performance somehow, unless it’s a diarrhea competition, but that seems unlikely. Then obviously deploy your army of AIDS monkeys however you see fit. My recommendation is to see if any of them can contribute to your softball team, à la the movie “Ed.” Sure that monkey didn’t have AIDS, but imagine if he did; that’s a movie I’d watch, and a team I’d bet on.
Do Everything While Drunk
That should probably go without saying.