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What a year it has been here at Grandex. It feels like just yesterday when I was installing TVs in my Escalade’s back seat headrests when my inbox filled with loan requests. Every year, I like to take a look at my life. Did I accomplish my goals? Did I hit new highs? Well, I’m looking around my apartment right now. No babies? Check. No herpes? Sure. No debilitating drinking problem? Whatevs. The best way to prepare for a new year is to look back at the one that just passed.
In 2014, Grandex broke new ground on so many subjects: why frats rule, why boobs rule, why asses rule, why chicks rule, why having a girlfriend rules, why being single rules, the differences between men and women (one has a penis). I feel like this was the year we really hit some new highs. We talked about the topics the New York Times was too afraid to tackle, like why every girl should give blow jobs (from a girl’s perspective, so chill the fuck out, Gloria Steinem). That’s why 2014 was a year that YOU, the reader, should be excited about. You “liked” a company into the next stratosphere based on one T-shirt slogan (let’s fight North Korea and get that three-peat). Congrats, you guys. Like a girl who’s taking it doggy style, it’s that time of year we should all gently turn our heads and knowingly nod with satisfaction.
It was the year of #ButtStuff2014, our own little #YesAllWomen. “FINALLY,” I’m sure you proclaimed as we tore down that wall of oppression. Only a company as brave as Grandex could stand up and say, “Hey everybody, there are more holes for our dicks!” This was a conversation mired in the weeds of homophobia for decades, and it took the powerful pickup of TFM to tow it out into God’s good graces. Like Darwin boarding the HMS Beagle, we weren’t looking to settle or corrupt a beautiful land, but more to understand it (with our dicks).
And who could forget about the great work happening at TSM? When a girl wrote about why no girl should be a spitter, it was as if I was looking directly into the confused eyes of every girl who had ever just finished blowing me. Only the courageous writers at TSM would live on the razor’s edge like that. Somewhere, Ruth Bader Ginsburg tilted her chin, smiled, and swallowed with pride.
Or how about that time we all rallied around one another to decide that there’s no way guys should have to go down on a girl. Was I proud? Of course I was. Any time you can refer to a woman’s vagina as a “fish bowl,” one has to stand tall. This was Grandex saying, “Men have been suffering through pleasuring a woman long enough.” This was our “12 Years A Slave,” a living memoir of suffering that no woman could understand until it was written by guys who–like Solomon Northup and cotton picking–aren’t that good at it, anyway.
And the Instagram babes of the day. Are there even words? That girl with the butt, the chick with the boobs, the one who took a picture with her friend in the matching Halloween costume, that other one whose friend took the impromptu picture of her lying on the beach with her finger gently resting in her mouth. These nameless vessels were truly revelations. I’m sure their new Instagram followers can’t wait for pictures of endless quotes about why Mondays stink.
Let’s not forget, too, that it was this year that I was finally reminded that I was Jewish. Here I am getting ready to decorate my Christmas tree right after my weekly Jesus-eating mass and I’m Snapchatted (@jtrain56) pictures of various poops with colorful captions like, “Good podcast Jew” and “Read my email you Jew” and “Happy Chanukah!” Thanks, you guys.
And it was 2014 that we finally, if not a bit sheepishly, admitted that America is the best country in the world. I’m proud to be a part of a company that will finally just say what everyone is thinking, you know? A company that full well knows and states that no matter how you look at this damn world, America is really fucking sweet. I don’t know Chinese, but I don’t think it has T-shirts that say, “Fuck Terrorism” or “Power Moves.” Chinese shirts are probably more like, “Buy more iPhones please, my tiny fingers are bored.” I’m ecstatic that Grandex could be at the front of this “Who’s Awesome?” topic and say what the lame-stream media is too afraid to ‘fess up about.
Ah, 2014. What a year! And Grandex was at every single turn. Fireball was cool, then it was made with antifreeze and it got even cooler. Sperrys have been officially relegated to the back of the closet. Hawaiian shirts got kind of fashionable amongst attention-seeking assholes. Kate Upton got fatter AND hotter. Sweatpants are popular again I think? Taylor Swift is still the worst, while her songs are still the best. Tinder made sex so available that my dick feels the same whether it’s climaxing or not. Celebrities didn’t always wear clothes. White cops really hated black people. Ebola affected almost nobody. Again, what a year!
Lastly, let me close 2014 on a somber, personal note: thanks to you guys for one hell of a ride. My podcast, “Serial,” is now the number one podcast in the country, and my columns have been read by a couple dozen people around the globe (if we count Canada). And, of course, finally, FUCK YOU, KIM JONG-UN, COME AT ME. SONY MAY BE TOO SCARED, BUT GRANDEX ISN’T. LET’S TANGO, YOU SMALL-DICKED, SWEET FADE-ROCKING TOAD. WE WANT THE THREE-PEAT. GRANDEX NEEDS NEW T-SHIRT SLOGANS. FREEDOM, MOTHERFUCKER. (Editor’s Note: These words are explicitly those of Jared Freid, who you can respond to directly on Twitter @jtrain56. Jared does not reflect the views of the GRANDEX corporation.).