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TFM’s Writers Respond To The First 2016 Presidential Debate

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first presidential debate trump hillary

Me, Jared Borislow:

Unless you live under a rock (in which case I envy you and your ability to dissociate with this election), you are aware that last night marked the first presidential debate between Democratic nominee Hillary “Career Politician” Clinton and Donald “J.” Trump. It was an absolute mess of a television program to behold. I was being berated with so much garbage that I had to keep checking my cable guide to make sure I wasn’t accidentally watching 2 Broke Girls. But alas, it was the opposite — 2 Rich Schmucks trying to make themselves seem less hatable than the other. That’s why I’m not voting for neither of them. No, I’m not going third party either. I’m going fourth party, bitches. Vermin Supreme 2016.

WJ Cope:

Devonta Freeman looked like a man possessed out there on the field. We’re talking half a billion fantasy points.

Not sure what scoring format your league uses, but it was closer to 29 points. If Coleman hadn’t stolen all those tuddies, he would’ve been a bit closer to that 500,000,000 point mark, though.

El Taco:

Howard Dean suggested Donald Trump’s sniffles were from snorting coke. Turns out, Trump’s been talking about bringing back the ’70s again, and I’m all for it.

They say Hillary has no stamina, which is not true. She showed last night that she takes punches well. Don’t know how she was still standing at the end of the night.

I wish someone would’ve punched me at some point last night. I have zero stamina, and thus would’ve easily and mercifully been knocked out for the rest of the debate.

Doctor Franzia:

First of all, I got to congratulate the make up team from Mortimer and Sons Funeral Home for their excellent work on Hillary Clinton. Top notch, boys.

I went into this thing expecting a fist fight, and got a catty pile of frozen shit that only the alcohol made bearable (Drink When Trump Talks About How Rich He Is Or Says “Believe Me”, Drink When Hillary Talks About Her Family Or Dodges A Question).

Look, I’m a life-long registered Democrat from one of the most liberal states in the union. Hate me if you want, it’s the way I was raised. I just wish my party’s candidate could grow some balls and really duke it out for us. Of course, now that I say that out loud…


Karl Karlson:

I told myself I would watch the whole thing. In fact, it started out looking like we could have the first civil discourse in this election since it started. Then, in a manner that so perfectly encapsulated what 2016 is all about, the two adults on stage turned into bickering toddlers. Ended up flipping between MNF and South Park. Sorry, America.

I wish I had followed suit.

Kramer Smash:

I was pleasantly surprised. I expected so much more arguing and fighting. There was a fair amount of back and forth – good entertainment – and, even now, I’m not entirely sure who won. But I’m glad the contestants kept it clean and minimized the unnecessary interruptions. Then I flipped over from Monday Night Raw to the debate and it all went to hell.

Watching RAW over MNF is an interesting lifestyle choice.


Wow, what a battle. I would like to congratulate Sloth from the Goonies and the Night Hag that killed Snow White with an apple on a spirited debate. The highlights included Ole Haggy vibrating in place on a failed twerk attempt, Sloth calling America’s airports third world country-esque, and Ex-President Intern Slayer fantasizing about open mouth hoovering Sloth’s hot daughter. Truly riveting stuff. I would also like to commend the various media outlets for promoting what is supposedly the pinnacle of refined verbal conflict as if it were a bareknuckle boxing match. We are lucky to have such incredibly trustworthy press networks to force-feed us clearly unbiased information, aren’t we? AREN’T WE?



I’m in the field and don’t have access to TV. Apparently Trump did cocaine on stage?

Thank you for your service as always, Bluto. And yes.


Saw some good stuff out there. Solid memes, even some people getting mad online. At the end of the day, all you can really ask for is everyone’s best effort. I’m talking about Twitter, not the debate. I didn’t watch the debate. Or football. Fuck you.

shitto needs Twitter like he needs air to breathe.


Read Boosh’s response here.

Harrison Lee:

Trump was landing heavy hitters on Clinton during the economic portion. One thing I wish Trump did when Hillary mentioned Bill’s job was talk about how Bill added pressure on banks to lend in low-income neighborhoods, which led to the housing bubble burst.

The real winner had to be the media. So many ratings. Biggest loser? Lester. My boy Lester had a rough time keeping his talent in check. Be more assertive for me one time, Lester. Also for having the name Lester.

We shoulda given Lester an “X” button, America’s Got Talent-style.

Dan Regester:

(Author’s note: Dan is currently zonked out on pain meds, so I’m going to respond for him.)

Jill Stein 2016!

Classic Dan!

Image via Punyaruk Baingern /

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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