1. “I didn’t do anything too out of line last night, did I?”
I don’t remember much, but I’m pretty sure I pissed on a couch, fought someone, and spent the night trying to break into the next door neighbor’s house.
2. “Hey, Mom, I’ll call you back later. I’m working on a homework assignment.”
I need a half hour because when you called, I was in the middle of selecting a porn video.
3. “Do you and your friends want to come to this party tonight?”
I know you won’t go alone, but I’m hoping that if I let your friends come too, you’ll be down to let me see your boobs at some point.
4. “Sorry man, I have to study tonight I can’t do anything.”
I’m going to spend about two hours on YouTube cycling through videos I’ve already watched because the thought of hanging out with you makes me want to kick myself in the balls.
5. “You have alcohol for this weekend?”
I have no alcohol, and I’m hoping that you don’t either. That way you can go and get some for the both of us.
6. “I’m going to sleep in, I’ll just meet you in class.”
I’m not even setting a fucking alarm. Have fun by yourself.
7. “What time do you guys want to start drinking?”
I’ve been drinking for an hour, and I really want you to join me because it’s starting to feel a bit sad.
8. “Can whoever made a mess in the kitchen clean it up?”
I know exactly who made the mess, and if you don’t clean it, I’m going to shit on your bedroom floor.
9. “Groceries were a bit more expensive than usual this week, can you send a little extra?”
I have no money at all.
10. “My grades are great!”
I haven’t checked Canvas yet this semester because I’m genuinely afraid to do so.