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Breaking Down Your Girlfriend’s Friends.

I’m a lot like Dale from Horrible Bosses. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a girlfriend guy(I get a lot of shit for it). As soon as I got to the age where I realized I could have someone in my life that filled the role of being one of my close guy friends that I could also have sex with, it was game over. While all my girlfriends have been astronomically different from one another, the one consistency throughout has been the dynamic between her group of friends and me. I must preface this by saying that this list is just a general representation of my experiences. It is not uncommon for one girl to represent multiple types of personalities on this list. Enough about me, here’s what you all came here for:

The One That Has To Like You: If your relationship is ever going to survive, you have to get this girl to like you. Odds are she’s been best friends with your girlfriend long before you guys ever met, and she has more power over your girlfriend’s vagina than her OBGYN. Her height measurements are on the door of your girlfriend’s room from when they were seven, she’s been on many of their family vacations, and your girlfriend and her Mom have a Snapchat streak. She’s been cataloging mental research on you since your girlfriend first brought you up three-months ago. She’s completed a full scouting report of your Instagram profile and is cognisant of every red-flag you might have. You find the relationship between her and your girlfriend outrageous. How in the fuck do two people talk on Facetime about Hydroflasks for twenty-seven minutes? You have no idea, but your girlfriend seems to enjoy it, so who are you to complain. If this girl likes you, you’ve made an ally for life. Whenever your girl is mad at you, she’s got your back. You blacked out at your girlfriend’s formal? Well, it’s clearly because you love her, but you have commitment issues…or some bullshit like that. With just a few words, she can bring you back into your girlfriend’s good graces…or fuck you over worse than the CFB committee did to Cincinnati. I cannot stress enough that if this girl doesn’t like you, she will make your girlfriend feel like she’s going through a Nicole Kidman role level of emotional abuse. It’s an uphill battle that you’re going to lose. So, if you like her, become one of her best friends, and if you don’t, smile through the pain pal. 

The Overly Political One: She’s been on Twitter too much. Two Vodka Seltzers in, and she’s trying to explain to you that the US should align itself with Sweden’s environmental policies. If you agree with her, tell her you agree with her. If you don’t, say nothing. Either way…change the subject.

The Slutty Fun One: It doesn’t matter that you’re 90% positive she has chlamydia, and she just went home with your friend…right now at 3:17 AM, everybody is having fun. Her private Snapchat story makes you feel like an incel that comments on Instagram videos, “this is why I’m not having a daughter.” She loves a good drinking game, deep house music, and the smell of cocaine. She’s always going to say, “aww Mom and Dad I wish I had a boyfriend like him,” but both you and her both know she really doesn’t. Your girlfriend lives vicariously through this girl’s stories about walking home from some guy’s apartment still dressed up like a slutty Space-Cheetah from Halloween…and honestly, you really like her. The only thing that may scare you is that you know that when you guys break up, a weekend with this girl at state-school is just what the doctor ordered. 

The Girl You Hate: Most likely, you have a friend that’s a guy’s guy. Your boy that you get drunk with and split a thirty with while losing your weekly nicotine budget on Oklahoma State +4.5. She is the girl version of that. Her hobbies include live-tweeting The Bachelorette and hating men. She’s overly invasive and thinks it’s hilarious that she’s walked in on you guys having sex without knocking. She’s most likely just jealous or an asshole, but either way, it’s on you to self-reflect and realize that you could be two tequila shots away from going on a tirade about how much you hate this bitch. There will always be a middle-school type of tension between you two, but don’t let it get to your head. Don’t give her a reason to be even more annoying; just keep your head down and check on how your Robinhood portfolio is doing. 

Fringe Friend: It’s not really important that she likes you, but it’s always a plus. She’s the Alec Burks of your girlfriend’s friend-group and she’s most likely reticent. When your girlfriend is talking about her friends, she doesn’t come up much, but you’ll see her every once in a while. She’s most likely not someone that spends too much time with your girlfriend in a small-group setting, so you’ll only see her when the whole friend-group is out and about. Perhaps offer her the last Black Cherry Whiteclaw from the fridge or something like that. You pretending you were interested in how nursing school was going meant a lot to her even though you both know that you didn’t really care…so keep up the small gestures. 

Her Best Guy Friend: It’s a trope that you want this kid to be gay, but that doesn’t really matter…as long as you’re proof positive he doesn’t want to fuck your girlfriend. Your instincts will tell you almost immediately whether or not you like this guy based on various reasons. If he’s a chiller and you both like each other, you’re going to get a sick ass Christmas present. The best thing you can do is to show no signs of insecurity around this person. Even if you hate this guy, pretend you don’t care that he simps for your girlfriend more than you do. Telling your girlfriend that he’s just trying to fuck her is putting blood in the water. 

Her Friend With Issues: It’s 4:38 AM, and your girlfriend just got a call from county jail. Just as you begin regaining consciousness, you already know who this is about. This girl’s life is a trainwreck. She’s had more DUIs in the last year than you’ve had sinks in beer die. At first, you thought that this girl had to be orchestrating this type of pain on herself, but at some point, you’ll realize she just can’t catch a break. She gives your girlfriend as much anxiety as she had that one-time when she was a week late on her period…on a daily basis. She’s always going through something, so be a helping hand. 

The Perfect One: She’s not overly invasive, but she keeps up with your relationship. She is a great friend to your girlfriend, but she lets you spend as much time with her as you want. When you see her, it’s a breath of fresh air. She’s cool as fuck, and there’s no reason to impress her because, for some reason, she already seems to like you. She’s the one you’re going outside and smoking a dart with at night and the one who’s going to let you drink a quarter of her Gatorade in the morning. What a G. 

The Hilarious One With Big Boobs: This one is just incredibly specific to the current girl I’m seeing…hi Kate. 

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Written by Bobby D'Angelo

TFM middle school penis game champion. Rutgers student.

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