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Caitlyn Jenner To Join Fox News

We’ve gone full cycle. In a country where:

  1. AOC sells twenty-seven dollar tee shirts that say “drink water & don’t be racist” 
  2. My Mom texts me Joe Biden memes that have been on Reddit since before he was President
  3. Girls on Twitter think Caucasian James squatting in random locations around his house is the funniest thing to ever happen
  4. There are over a million people that still believe Trump will end up being President
  5. Woke people on Twitter changed grammar, and many people like myself are afraid to vocalize that it’s confusing
  6. The D’Amelio family distributes half of this country’s fentanyl 
  7. Joe Rogan gets referred to as alt-right despite endorsing Bernie Sanders
  8. Billion-dollar corporations come out of the closet for Twitter clout in June
  9. Every black quarterback who doesn’t see playing time is a victim of racism
  10. Millions of elderly white women die each year from cardiac arrest sustained from finger-fucking themselves to Tucker Carlson Tonight
  11. Every college student who blacks out and does something embarrassing claims they were drugged at a bar
  12. Any Italian man over the age of fifty-five still casually uses the n-word in public
  13. The only hot girls on Tinder are there to promote their OnlyFans
  14. Lil Nas X claims people don’t like him because of his sexuality and not because he created satanic shoes
  15. A stubbed toe can lead to an Opioid addiction
  16. Our last President was overheard asking somebody if it was possible to Nuke Hurricanes 
  17. Our current President was over thirty years old when Pablo Picasso died 
  18. Kanye vs. Drake is a bigger news story than a vigilante group of ex-military personnel saving hundreds of lives in Afghanistan
  19. When something is deemed offensive, journalists and girls with astronomy tattoos have decided to put stars in between its letters 
  20.  Doordash has tricked us into believing that $20 is an appropriate amount to spend on a shitty take-out sub
  21. Rich people thrift, and poor people shop at Macy’s
  22. The Taliban is on Twitter, but Barry McCockiner gets banned every six months
  23. We purchase iPhones bi-annually, so we aren’t the green bubble person in the chat
  24. Alex Cooper made more money from eating Hot Cheetos and talking about sucking cock than (and I did the math) 364 electricians will make in their lifetime
  25. Senior citizens lose three billion dollars a year due to online scams

…this still managed to shock me. 

“Caitlyn’s story is an inspiration to us all,” Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott said in announcing the hire. “She is a trailblazer in the LGBTQ+ community and her illustrious career spans a variety of fields that will be a tremendous asset for our audience.”

The Hollywood Reporter

I can’t lie; I love this. There’s something about Caitlyn Jenner running over Asian people, switching political sides every other year, and being a member of the closest thing we have to family royalty in this country that keeps me on my toes. She won’t be as hot as Meg Kelly or as sensual as Kim Guilfoyle, but I WILL watch her while sipping dry Martinis that I pretend to like with my grandma.

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