Mailman Dave
Welcome to Cinema Cures, where I will be ranking movies. We are not looking for how many awards the movie won, what critics think of it; we care about one thing, and thing only; is the movie a good movie to watch while hungover? When you’re hungover as fuck you don’t want to do anything. All you want to do is melt into the couch and veg out on movies and tv shows. I’ll be ranking the movies from the bottom shelf, mid-shelf, and top-shelf. There are four factors for grading a movie for hangovers. 1st criteria are there any loud parts of the movie? You already have a splitting headache. You don’t need a movie to make your head explode. 2nd criteria are there any crazy lighting that makes you feel like you’re in a vortex? You don’t need a light show to make your head swim and your stomach flip. 3rd criteria are there any gross parts? You already are trying to hold down the beer and liquor you drank last night; you don’t need to watch guts or vomit reminding you of the explosive vomit you had last night while you were blackout. You don’t want to throw up those 3 cheeseburgers you ate at 4 in the morning. 4th criteria is the movie easy to follow? You don’t know how you got home last night; you don’t need to get lost in a movie.
Today’s movie is 2021 Mortal Kombat. Starring nobody that me or you have ever heard of.
For rule number 1, are there any crazy loud parts of the movie that makes your head want to explode? I mean, it’s an action movie; the entire movie is loud. This is a movie where you don’t need to pay attention to any of the dialogue. I’ll sum up the entire dialogue for you. “Oh no, the bad people are coming.” “We need to defeat them.” Mortal Kombat has a lot of music from the classic video game, and the 80’s techno music can be thunderous and make your head want to explode. As you start this movie, it’ll be a good idea just to turn the volume way down so your head doesn’t explode like a fatality.
For rule number 2, is there any crazy lighting? Mortal Kombat is a very dark movie, and a lot of the movie takes place either in a secret pyramid or at night. Your retinas won’t feel like they’re burning out of your head from this movie. If you’ve ever played any of the Mortal Kombat video games, you’ll know that Raiden has lightning powers. He is one of the main characters in this movie, so his lightning is shown a lot. The movie is so dark that the lightning can be a little shocking, but it’s not crazy bright.
For rule number 3, are there any disgusting parts of the movie? I mean, it’s Mortal Kombat, so if you’re one of the people who are easily grossed out by blood and guts, this movie is not for you. If you’ve grown up learning all of the fatalities, then this is nothing new for you, and you can handle it like a pro. As you’re struggling to hold down the pizza you ate at 4 in the morning, it’s a little gut-wrenching to see somebody reach in and grab a heart out of a lizard.
For rule number 4, is the movie easy to follow? The beginning of the movie starts in 1600 Japan, so there are subtitles. You’re struggling to see straight, so you don’t exactly want to be reading. If you have galaxy brain and always have subtitles on, this is nothing new for you. Yes, I 1000% think that every movie or tv show should be watched with subtitles on. Anyway, back to Mortal Kombat, other than subtitles, it’s a straightforward movie to follow. It’s a turn your brain off action movie. The entire plot can be summed up as, oh no, bad guys are coming, need to train, bad guys have found us, fight bad guys, fight bad guys again, and end. It’s exactly what a Mortal Kombat movie should be. I’m not watching it for a complicated plot; I want to see badass fighting montages.
The official Cinema Cure ranking for Mortal Kombat is that it’s a mid-shelf hangover movie. The only reason it’s not higher is that they really hammer the point that there’s blood and guts. If you’re hungover as fuck and watch to watch people fight to the death and awesome fighting scenes, it’s great. This is what Mortal Kombat gives you, and I’m not one to complain. These types of action movies are the best to turn your brain off and melt into the couch. You don’t need to stare at the tv the entire time; if you’re scrolling on your phone to see what stupid shit you got into last night, and you don’t look at the tv for 5 minutes, you won’t miss much.
