Guilty Pleasures All Guys Have

The Finger:

It’s Saturday morning, you’re hungover, hungry, and you need water because your pee is so dark that it would get an extra pat-down from TSA. In this state of nothingness, for some reason, you itch your ass. You want to continue to do things on your phone, but the fecal finger must remain estranged from your body like Aaron Rodgers is to his family. So you just throw your arm to the other side of the bed and continue to scroll your phone until you forget, in which case you immediately run to the sink and wash your eye out, so you don’t get pink eye.

Saying “I read somewhere” when it was really from a podcast:

I read on occasion, but not as much as I claim to read. I will hear something on Rogan and during casual conversation with people older than me say, “you know I read somewhere that Bear pee is actually better for you post work-out than Whey.” Or I’ll watch a Tik Tok and later tell a girl that I’m striking out with at a bar “you know I read somewhere that you can save vegetables from going by freezing them and making a stew.” Are my sources fact-checked? No. Does this make me sound more intelligent than I actually am, yes. 

Having Pride Over The Groupchat Name:

Guy group chat names are elite. If you aren’t in a group chat titled something the lines of “John Gruden’s Emails But With Eric,” or “whip-its and Water Polo,” or “JK rolling face tonight,” you need better friends. If your idea for the group chat name sticks, your power dynamic in your friend group forever changes. You are the funny man. You’re a tribal elder. You are a deity. I reach hundreds of thousands of people on this app every day, and it has nothing on my reign of creating the group chat name from November 2020-March 2021. 

Recapping Last Night: You’re on an L-shaped couch. One of your friends has a black eye; another one is confused because his crotch is burning worse than Waco in 1993, and half the group has lost a debit card. There is an inexplicable feeling of giddiness around the group, but nobody is going to acknowledge it because that’s soft as hell. Faded memories will come back, and you and your four idiot friends will continue to recap the absolute shitshow that commenced the night before until someone is brave enough to say, “yo, we should start a podcast.” 

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