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Ranking All Of The McDonald’s Sauces

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Yesterday I wrote about a woman getting her ass kicked at McDonald’s, some good ole McJustice being served. This had me thinking about McDonald’s. The powerhouse of fast foods has fallen off in the last couple of years. Drunken idiots rather pound a dozen tacos. People rather eat at fast-casual places if they want to get fast food. Better fast food places like Five Guys, Whataburger, and In and Out have stolen the pristine of burgers. With all of that being said, McDonald’s is the reliable chick that you can text at 2 in the morning while you’re hammered, and you’ll know she’ll come over. Is it going to be the greatest sex of your life? No, but you’ll cum, and you’ll fall asleep afterward somewhat happy with yourself.

What McDonald’s has are great sauces. Sure the Chick-Fil-A sauce is amazing and kicks all of McDonald’s sauces ass, but they have the quantity over anyplace. So taking me being a fat ass and working at McDonald’s for 6 years is how I get to judge these sauces.

7) Honey

I mean, it’s honey; it’s nothing to write home about. If you like honey on your toast, that’s cool, but McDonald’s doesn’t sell toast. Shit, I know the McDonald’s near me doesn’t even sell toasted bagels. So what the hell would you use honey for? If you dip nuggets in honey, there’s something wrong with you. You deserve to be brought to the back and put down like Old Yeller.

6) BBQ Sauce

If it weren’t for Honey, this would be last. You know when you get a great bbq sauce. It’s mostly from a hole-in-the-wall style bbq shack that looks like it’s gonna disintegrate in the ground. After you’re done eating, it looks like you’ve dumped your face in a tub of sauce. This isn’t the case for the tangy bbq sauce. Imagine taking a good bbq sauce and dousing it in sugar. The tanginess isn’t from spices, but it’s from the sugar that’s tingling your mouth. I know that bbq sauce is a go-to for chicken tenders or nuggets, especially if you’re a child, but get something else you’ll thank me later.

5) Ranch

I’m a basic white chick when it comes to ranch. I love myself some ranch on almost anything. I don’t wanna out my wife cause I love her, but she mixes ranch with her mashed potatoes. The cliche of white chicks loving ranch rings true there. It’s hard to fuck up ranch, you can get the hidden valley or the generic store brand, and they’re normally good. So McDonald’s ranch should be good? It’s meh at best. It has a weird aftertaste that shouldn’t come after eating ranch. It’s like a sour yogurt taste that doesn’t make you puke your lunch, but it’s not a sauce that makes you want to keep dipping. The nice thing is that it’s thick, which can’t be said about all of McDonald’s sauces. If you do the dunk into ranch and then dip in another sauce, it can be an alright sauce, but not on its own.

4) Spicy Buffalo

This might be the best tasting sauce, but it’s so pungent that you can’t pound a shit ton of nuggets and only dip into spicy buffalo. Maybe if you’re a psycho, you can handle it, but I can’t. It’s a very vinegary sauce, and if you take deep inhales, you’ll instantly tear up like you just did lines of shitty coke that was 70% baby powder. It has nothing on Frank’s Red Hot buffalo, but it’s a good sauce. Especially if you pair it with ranch, one dunk of ranch, and then a dunk of spicy buffalo is dandy.

3) Honey Mustard

We are getting into the good shit now. Honey mustard is a damn good sauce. It doesn’t have a great kick, probably because they want children also to like it. I hate when popular fast food places are like, try this smoking hot food item; we guarantee it’ll make you cry. It never does. I love spicy food, but I’m not insane and eat the spicy one-chip casually. Fast food places never live up to the hype of their spicy sauces. Anyway, rant over the back to McDonald’s honey mustard. It’s a creamy sauce that makes you want more. Fries or nuggets are great with it. I just want a little more kick; that’s why I have it as number three.

2) Hot Mustard

I have to put my bias aside here. I’ll admit that hot mustard is my favorite sauce, and every time I get McDonald’s nuggets, I get hot mustard. It’s not insanely hot, but it does have a good kick. It’s a tame Chinese hot mustard that makes you keep dipping. I love spreading hot mustard over my egg rolls or mix it with my rice, but whenever I do, I’m crying afterward. I don’t know if I can put back a 20 piece chicken nugget with only eating hot mustard, but that’s with almost all of McDonald’s sauces. It has a very mustardy flavor, and I know that some people don’t like mustard, so that’s why I have to put it as number two on my list. But it’s number one in my heart.

1) Sweet and Sour

This is the staple of McDonald’s. If you’re not 12 years old, you know that Sweet and Sour is the go-to sauce. Chinese places will have sweet and sour chicken, but McDonald’s has stolen the sauce as its own. It’s a very sweet sauce, but it cuts through the sweetness with salty hot fries or nuggets. It leaves your mouth watering with fruity flavors that make you keep dipping. Little pro tip if you get a hash brown, get a sweet and sour packet as well. Hash browns and sweet and sour go amazing together; you’ll thank me later.

Do you agree with my list, or have I greatly fucked up? What is your number one McDonald’s sauce?

What do you think?

Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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