“Our advising staff is ready to guide you on every step of your journey.” – Admissions
Every college in this beautiful country will feed that line down your throat from the second you step foot on their campus for a visit, but don’t be fooled: the second you make that first tuition payment you’ll never hear a word about these supposed “great advisors” until one of them realizes that you’ve done everything yourself and feel the need to step in and start taking credit for the path that you put yourself on.
“Don’t worry about the grade; the grade isn’t what matters.” – Professors
I beg to fucking differ. If the grade isn’t what matters, then give me an A, and let’s all move on with our days. I can say with 100% truth that the only professors that say this are the ones who consistently choose to screw you over in class participation and tank the rest of your grade. Sure, it’s important to actually learn things in college so that when you need to enter the working force, you’re not a complete idiot, but don’t tell me that it doesn’t matter what I get in the class if you’re not ready to give me an A no matter what.
“We’re here to support you in whatever ways you need.” – Residence Life
Make no mistake, Residence Life is not there to help you. You may have a chill RA here and there, but the goal of 98% of any college’s residence life staff is to bend you over the twin bed in your freshman dorm and fuck you in the ass however and whenever they can because a lot of them are power-hungry dorks with nothing better to do. They’ll pretend they’re your best friends in the first week you’re there, but the second they see an empty beer can in your trashcan, they’ll act like you just broke one of the protocols of the Geneva Conventions.