In my hungover daze this Sunday afternoon, I couldn’t help but notice commercial after commercial announcing “The American Music Awards.” Naturally I thought to myself, “Hey, I love music, and I love America, this could be perfect for me!” Boy was I wrong. I realized this as soon as I saw the lineup of scheduled performers and the pure shittiness of the nominees list. This, of course, led to a thirty minute quasi-drunk discussion between my roommates and I about how goddamn awful popular music is today, and a few songs and artists that absolutely make my blood boil.
So without further ado, here are your 2011 TFM Shitty Music Awards. Each winner will be given a commemorative 24 karat gold-polished turd to serve as an appropriate metaphor for their value to society.
Worst Male Artist
1. Justin Bieber
2. Bruno Mars
4. Jason Aldean
And the winner is…the one and only Justin Bieber! This preteen sensation has shocked the world, giving hope to talentless aspiring stars nationwide. Bieber has managed to do so well due to his invaluable skillset, including but not limited to: “knowing a guy who can use autotune” and “looking like something out of a Sandusky wet dream.” When other artists rely on petty things like actual talent, Bieber instead chooses to embrace his worthlessness by performing ritual ear-rape to anyone who endures his songs for more than five seconds. Baby, baby, baby, no.
Worst Female Artist
1. Taylor Swift
2. Lady Gaga
3. Katy Perry
And the winner is…Lady Gaga! Shocking win here, as I’m sure everyone thought that Taylor Swift’s hit formulaic single entitled “All Boys Suck, and I’m Sad” would have propelled her to the lead, and the defeat of Katy “My Only Good Quality is My Tits” Perry caught me off guard as well. But alas, ladies and gentlemen, while her competition sucks to a far and wide extent, there is no denying that Lady Gaga takes the mediocrity cake.
The thing that makes Lady Gaga shine as the most noticeable shitty pop star (besides the visible herpes scars) is her atrocious wardrobe and catchy hooks that typically involve less than four words. The more I look at her, the less I understand why she has a fan base. Who knew that catering exclusively to 13-year-old sexually confused emo’s would be enough to build an entire career? Lady Gaga, that’s who. I wouldn’t be surprised if in 10 years (assuming Gaga hasn’t overdosed on meth or choked to death on a 300 pound black man’s penis) she came out with an “E: True Hollywood Story” explaining how her career was just an elaborate hoax. I can see it now…
“Well, I started off knowing that my music sucks, but as soon as I started to make millions I just wanted to see how far I could take it. I mean, fuck, I showed up to an award show in a dress made out of raw meat, and people still liked me. What the hell is that?”
Congrats Gaga, you may or may not have been “Born This Way,” but either way we’re suffering for it now. Stop making music, please, I don’t want the entire next generation to be full of meat-dress wearing shitheads.
1. Maroon 5
3. Lady Antebellum
And the winner is…LMFAO! Who could have ever guessed that a band named after an internet acronym would turn out to be one of the worst things to ever happen to music? If you’ve somehow avoided their music at every bar and radio station the past year (you don’t know how envious I am), LMFAO is a rap duo most notably famous for their hit “I’m in Miami, Bitch.” This should be an immediate red flag, as anyone who brags about being in Miami is almost certainly a horrible human being. For those of you who have never visited the good old 305, also known as “Florida’s Asshole,” my only advice to you: don’t.
So what is it that makes this group so exceptionally shitty that they beat out the I’m-pretty-sure-he’s-having-an-orgasm wailing of Maroon 5, and the God-awful pseudo-country stylings of Lady Antebellum? First of all, they’re rappers, which as we all know is a synonym for “talentless.” Also, the duo prefers to avoid categorization into an individual genre, instead referring to their music as “party rock.” The more intelligent 99.99% of the world just calls it crap.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those everything was better in the 80’s hipsters (even though this is a scientific fact). I’ll grind my ass off to “Party Rock Anthem” in the right mood, it just so happens that “the right mood” consists of 12 beers, four shots, and as many amphetamines as I can get my hands on. So, basically any Tuesday night.
And that concludes the 2011 TFM Shitty Music Awards, now I can finally go back to listening to some Skynyrd and Tom Petty to cancel out all of the shitty songs I listened to as research for this column. Did I miss any artists that you think should jump off a bridge, and rid the world of their talentlessness?
Let me know on twitter @Stufffratslike