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The 2016 Presidential Race As A Nature Documentary

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Screen Shot 2016-02-18 at 11.15.55 AM copy
Two Bushlings suckle from their parent’s teat.

Hillary Clinton

Croikey! Look at this! I don’t believe my eyes, ladies and gentlemen. We are about to witness a never-before-seen Clinton mating ritual. Unlike most species in the wild, Clintons never engage one another physically. Instead, the male Clinton finds a younger, less dumpling-shaped partner. What do we have here? I think the male Clinton has made his selection! A helpless intern, far from immune to his seductive political prowess. Ho-ho look at him go! Atta boy, Willy. Now, don’t feel bad for the female Clinton. She will use the public sympathy from this episode many years later in her quest for leader of the pack. It is a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Bernie Sanders

The old Bernie hobbles out of its den in search of food. Far too feeble to catch its own prey, the Bernie instead steals his bounty from stronger, richer creatures of the wild. Here, he approaches a group of wealthy Cruzes, who are just sitting down to enjoy a meal. As the Cruzes bow their heads to pray, the Bernie swipes a hearty portion and scampers off unseen. Notice what Bernie does with the stolen goods. He scatters bits and pieces across the landscape for poor people and liberal arts majors. While Bernie will keep the vast majority of the meal for himself, the meager offerings he hands out will be just enough to earn the protection and support of these fellow scavengers.

Jeb Bush

We join the Jeb and his family during one of the most beautiful and intimate moments in all of nature — feeding time. As George Sr. unbuttons his blazer, the Jeb and his brother, the Dubya, hurry over and kneel before him, eagerly awaiting their meal. Senior exposes his teats and the sons quickly latch on, suckling the sweet nectar of political influence. Oh my! The little rascals sure are thirsty! A truly beautiful sight to behold. Now, now Dubya, don’t get too bite-y… plenty for everyone. What’s this? Dubya seems to be pushing Jeb away, hogging both teats for himself. Jeb was always the runt of the litter. Dubya has now boxed him completely out of feeding time. The Jeb hangs his head and slowly retreats, glancing longingly over his shoulder at Dubya, who moves greedily from breast to breast. Without proper nourishment and comfort from the parent Bush, the abandoned Jeb is forced to wander the country vulnerable, leaving him an easy target for predators like the… blimey! Here comes one now!

Donald Trump

The Trump is the Alpha of the political landscape, asserting his dominance through garish displays of power and preying on the weak. Listen to his terrifying roar:

“Chinachinachinachina CHINAA!! I love China.”

Watch as Trump stalks the lone, defenseless Jeb. The hairs on the Trump’s mane stand straight up, possibly due to a heightened awareness of an easy target, possibly due to a gentle gust of wind. Under cover of the tall grass, Trump closes in. He strikes! Trump latches his powerful jaws onto the jugular of the flailing Jeb, who struggles to get a word out… but it’s too late. Trump drags his prey back to his habitat, behind the large wall he built, and begins to feast. A pack of Mexicans approach, hoping to pick up a few scraps of the meal. Trump promptly scares them off. When the Alpha finishes eating, he curls up for a nap, leaving Jeb’s carcass to be picked clean by the media vultures circling overhead.

There you have it, mates! The world of politics. It may seem harsh at times — cruel, even — but thus is the circle of life. While there are many mysteries of the wild yet to be solved, we do know one thing for certain: The future of our country is very bleak indeed.

Art by Connor Davis. Follow him on Instagram.

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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