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The 23 Pledges You Use To Deal With The 19 Things She Left At Your Place

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She loved looking at your fishtank, and also drunkenly banging like wild animals, but she left a ton of shit at your place. Thankfully, you have 23 very specific pledges to help take care of the items, so that you don’t have to.

1. Her Dignity
She was recorded on video saying that she wouldn’t sleep with you. Paparazzi Pledge got her this morning leaving your room.

2. Bobby Pins
While you aren’t quite sure how so many got into your bed, having the Geriatric Treasure Hunter Pledge come in with metal detector and find them all never gets old.

3. Underwear
It’s more than a little gross, but it will look nice hanging from Tree Pledge in the front yard.

4. A Shoe
Disney Prince Pledge will be in Prince Phillip attire in the Student Union from 2pm until 6pm, asking women to try on all of the random shoes left behind from the night before.

5. Bra
Depending on the quality of the bra, either Bra Hoarder Pledge will hold onto it for pickup, or Goodwill Pledge will deliver it to a homeless woman, and mark up one hour of community service completed for you.

6. Contact(s)
If it is one contact, it probably isn’t in its case. You will not see this contact, and whatever pledge vacuums your room will not see it when he vacuums it up. If they are in the case, it probably is in your bathroom.

7. Hair Extensions
Did you bang a cancer patient? Did you rip out a sizable chunk of her hair? Is it real hair? Is it fake hair? Giant Lint Roller Pledge will not be able to answer any of these questions for you, but he will be able to take care of the initial problem of having a creepy amount of hair in your bed.

8. Purity Ring
Jonas Brother Pledge and Irony Pledge will chicken box over who gets to have the honor of throwing the ring away.

9. “Orgasm” Makeup
While you don’t understand the naming choice, Rupaul Pledge will have to put it on and wear it throughout the day.

10. Spanx
Less disturbing than the hair extensions and easier to identify, you will call in Dirty Laundry Sniff-Checker Pledge to come in because you are a sadistic motherfucker, and Dirty Laundry Sniff-Checker Pledge probably has it coming.

11. Phone
After Inappropriate Text Back To Mom Pledge lets the slam’s mom know that she has been having problems with loose stool, he will turn the phone over to High Value Lost And Found Pledge for safe-keeping.

12. Fake ID
Illegal Contraband Pledge will confiscate the item.

13. Real ID
After Snapchat Pledge sends a picture of the ID with your name and “#Banged” to all of the brothers, he will turn the ID one over to Jake, from StateFarm Pledge, who will assist the slam is having her items returned, because the PM doesn’t really understand how insurance works.

14. Credit Card
Credit Card Fraud pledge will be sent to a sex shop where he will attempt to purchase marital aides that will provide a good laugh to the slam’s parents when they get their monthly statement.

15. An Earring
After First Aid Pledge cleans and dresses the puncture wound in your back from the stud earring that was left in your bed, Parent Trap Ear-Piercing Pledge will wear the earring in his right ear.

16. A Dress
This one will be hung on Tree Pledge as well.

17. Fake Boobs
While you were certain that she was rocking D’s the night before, and Yes-Man Pledge will agree with you on that, you are still impressed by the heft of these bad boys. After you and your brothers get a good laugh out of playing baseball with these, Non-Surgical Breast Enhancement Pledge will wear these when he goes with Rupaul Pledge to their 2pm class.

18. Hair Tie
Hair Tie Wristband Pledge will wear this, along with roughly thirty others, on his wrist.

19. Michael Kors Watch
You will have Anal Negotiation Bargaining Chip Pledge hold onto this one.


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JohnnyPSK (@MrJohnnyPSK) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. Johnny is a big man who attends a small school. He is currently dominating the fantasy football leagues that don't matter.

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