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Editor’s Note: NEEEEEEEEEEERRRDDDDD!
A long time ago, in a galaxy that’s this galaxy, the world was captivated by the exploits of a whiny young Mark Hammill and his friends as they traveled through the stars overthrowing fascism and fighting with kickass laser swords. Though Star Wars was largely considered a “geek thing,” (mostly because back when it came out some folks weren’t literate and thus couldn’t read the opening text), it quickly captured the hearts of everyone and became a true slice of Americana. Like a number of other things that are inherently American, Star Wars is pretty damn F. What set it apart from other films of its time was its characters, a group of underdogs who smashed princesses and shot folks in bars. The following is a list of the five characters who pulled the most TFMs throughout the series.
Here are the guidelines we’ll be following:
1. Original Trilogy only. We don’t speak of the prequels, and, although The Force Awakens was pretty darn great, it has yet to flesh out enough.
2. Characters can be robots, because, as Bender Bending Rodriguez taught us, robots can frat too.
3. Characters can be antagonists, but not Sith. Authoritarian groups are NF.
Let’s get cracking.
5 – Luke Skywalker
Luke started off as kind of a pussy. Yeah, the kid could pop a few Womp rats, but he whined a lot, asked too many questions, and made out with his own sister. NF. Even if you don’t know she’s your sister, it’s still incest. However, with a little bit of hazing on behalf of his boys Obi Wan and Yoda, he soon turned into a badass. By the time Return of the Jedi came around, Luke was swinging a lightsaber on par with Sith Lords and taking out mercenaries like he owned the universe. His fashion sense really made a turnaround too, as he ditched his rags for a pretty sweet blacked-out number. Luke was that kid who you bid because he had potential, and, once you made him do some laps with a wrinkly dwarf on his back, he was a force (HA!) to be reckoned with. Plus, he got his asshole dad to turn his life around. What was left of it, at least.
4 – Boba Fett
Every fanboy’s wet dream, Boba Fett made a huge impression even with his limited screen time. The guy rocked the sweetest gear, drove a pimped-out ship, and spent his time traveling the universe in search of loot. Despite the fact that he was kind of an asshole, he managed to incapacitate the good guys and get a huge contract from the two biggest entities in the galaxy while doing so. Boba is the guy who spent his college days screwing other kid’s girlfriends and then got a job with Big (anything) fresh out of college. Now he makes millions at 27 and takes vacations on his private jet to game reserves where he can hunt convicted felons. His anti-climactic death knocks him down a few spots, but at least he died being eaten by a giant sand vagina. Drowning in the pussy. TFM.
3 – Lando Calrissian
Billy Dee Williams is one of the coolest people to ever walk the Earth, and Lando Calrissian was the smoothest motherfucker in space. He owned his own planet, wore a sweet cape, and threw some lavish-ass banquets. Dude had some great hair, too. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Lando sold out his boy. He got Han frozen in carbonite. That’s pretty fucked up.” Well, obviously it is, and that’s why he’s not number one. Sure, he was saving the lives of his people and immediately repented by scuttling out Leia and the crew, but let’s focus on the negatives right? Shame on you. Lando bounced back quick, and he was instrumental in messing up the deus ex machina, excuse me, “second Death Star,” so the guy’s a hero in my book. Lando walked into a bid. He took his lumps like a man, popped Sally the senior’s butt cherry as a freshman, and proceeded to rule campus for five and a half years. Then he got a cushy gig as the mayor of a mid-major city and got free tickets to baseball games — all while banging his secretaries.
2 – R2D2
R2 didn’t say much, communicating only through incoherent beeps and boops just like my boy Rodney after he downs too much Goldschlager. Our little robo-fratstar was the first member of this list introduced in the series, and stuck around as one of the most dependable critters a trilogy could ask for. Aside from his diehard loyalty, multiple skills, and slow-but-smooth shuffle, R2 was well known for putting his dick in everything mechanical. He stuck it to just about anything he could with no regard for whether or not the ship/terminal was a little on the hefty side. He’s the house’s foreign exchange student. You have no idea what he’s saying, but the little guy is as fun as they come. His dad’s also likely some big-wig, so he’s generally willing to pick up the bar tab. Good looking out, robot dude.
1 – Han Solo
Naturally, we cap it off with the biggest badass known to science fiction. Hell, he could get this spot based on name alone. Han hung around in bars with his trusty frat hound, who he’d trained to shoot a crossbow, and whipped his classic car from planet to planet. Han was a “smuggler,” which means he’d probably bring in some great party favors, and he scored a girl way out of his social class. When your slam is a fucking princess, you don’t have to pay for shit. He bullshits two backwater hippies into renting out his ship (parsecs, right? He knew what he was doing) and exercises his second Amendment rights within minutes of being introduced. Han shot first, and we all know it. A rogue like Mr. Solo has been around a while. Chances are, you wouldn’t know the story of how he got a bid. What you will remember, however, is him telling you to do bows and toes on bottle caps while his Wookie growls obscenities in your face. On a separate note, you can’t top his vest game.
There you have it, a collection of the 5 biggest, swingingest dicks in the galaxy. All of these guys established themselves as icons, and all of them would make your chapter a better organization. May the force be with you..
Image via YouTube