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God bless them. God bless the girl willing to provide our starting quarterback with the mental, sexual, and emotional stability to make it through the long college football season. Additionally, God bless the hundreds of other jersey chasers who selflessly show their school spirit through their incredulous sexual desire for players, staff members, and coaches (because it happens on all levels).
Groupies are unfairly looked down upon. From the onset, they seem to be attention-hungry gold diggers looking for a meal ticket, but this is just not the case. I see them as the behind the scenes composers who keep our athletes sane and energized in the fourth quarter of a big game. I see them as an extension of our schools’ successes, because if they’re doing their thing, the team can do its thing on the field.
Their value is under-appreciated and diminished to nothing more than just being a jersey chaser. I’m here to show you that it’s not all roses and free tickets when it comes to college groupies.
Obviously I’m generalizing here, but for most groupies at the college level, they usually fall into one of these five categories.
What she looks like: She’s probably not the most attractive out of the groupie bunch. She blends in with the crowd on a typical walk to class, but she makes an effort to doll herself up for the two-a-day practices that start at 5 a.m. Give her some credit, because she isn’t working with much–it’s hard for any girl to look hot in a pair of khakis and a university-issued game day polo.
What she does: Like a few on this list, the athletic trainer groupie is pretty self-explanatory. This groupie spends her days plugging away in the classroom or at the football facility. Most of these girls are OT/PT undergrads who were lucky enough to earn the résumé-boosting title of “University of _____ Football Athletic Trainer.” This chick’s job ensures that she is practically quarantined in an athletic facility with 60 or more athletes, and all parties involved have raging hormones. The athletic trainer’s job requires her to constantly be within close proximity of these athletes on a daily basis, sometimes having to tape, stretch, and massage these guys before and after practice. If the trainer is anywhere in the realm of halfway decent looking, she will be pursued by multiple athletes on a daily basis. Although typically sheltered, the athletic trainer is one of the first to get the 1 a.m. “What you doin?” text after a field house Wednesday night out.
Her end game: If the athletic trainer isn’t too traumatized from her work with a college football team, she may go on to become an athletic trainer for a professional team after she graduates. In most instances, she will completely ditch the athletic route altogether and become a physical therapist in a nursing home. In her time around athletes, she has seen and heard things that should require a consent form for most common folk, and now working with the soiled and incontinent legitimately seems like the superior alternative to the trainer. Fair enough. Regardless, God bless her for keeping our athletes healthy and on the field, by any means necessary.
What she looks like: The athletic tutor is usually a very plain girl with glasses. She may not wear the glasses all the time, but you can bet she keeps a pair on her nightstand for late night “Twilight” reading.
What she does: Each school provides a few tutors specifically for athletes to help us cultivate great study habits, and far more importantly, to ensure our grades are good enough to play. Some of the time, the book nerd who volunteers to become a student athlete tutor has no clue what she is getting into. Imagine putting a naïve, deceptively attractive, scholarly type who probably didn’t receive too much attention from guys in high school while achieving her 4.0 into the same room as an athlete who is a lot less interested in the time that it takes Train 1 to get from point A to point B and a lot more interested in the time it would take to have every article of her clothing on the floor of his bedroom. You can imagine what is often the end result (sex, you guys). Granted, studying happens, but roughly after study session number two, you can almost guarantee that this student athlete is texting his tutor around midnight for some late night “studying.” I assure you no book will be opened for this session, apart from maybe the Kama Sutra.
Her end game: She usually goes through her athlete phase and decides the flattery and banging isn’t worth the attention after her sophomore year. She will find a boyfriend who isn’t a member of the team, but she’ll continue to tutor these athletes because of her love for her school. God bless this girl’s commitment to keeping our top athletes academically eligible.
The Local Celeb
What she looks like: She’s always done up. She’s the groupie who shows up in a sundress and heels to a recovery Sunday Funday. I’m convinced Gucci Mane’s “Photo Shoot” plays in her head when she and her girls walk into a bar. That or any empowering Beyoncé song.
What she does: You know the chick who thinks she’s the fourth Kardashian sister who was separated at birth? That’s her. The local celeb has the incredible ability to date an athlete, a bartender, a fraternity guy, and some 30-year-old local drug dealer all at the same time and not see how shifty her actions are. She lives for drama, and thankfully for her (I guess?) she’s great at finding it. She is the type of groupie we hear about in the news–and not in a good way. The local celeb always has to do something to attract attention, and her actions usually end up being negative.
So why does every athlete put up with her bullshit and unwavering lust for drama? Because this chick is usually the hottest out of the groupie categories. This chick is tough as nails. She knows it. The local celeb is the type of girl you hate with your gut but is still hot enough for you to sacrifice your pinky toe just to hate-bang. Hell, her hotness is pretty much the only reason she is a local celeb. Well, that and her shameless social media game. Plus, she spends more time at the bars than in her own bedroom, so everyone has seen her (and obviously noticed her). Every night is just another “photo shoot” for the local celeb.
Her end game: She will either luck out and nab some poor bastard going top 10 in next year’s draft or she’ll stick around until next season to find her meal ticket. It’s pretty disgusting when you think about it. I wanted to stay consistent with the “God bless” theme, but fuck this chick. No love lost for this one.
The “Old Faithful”
What she looks like: This one varies. This girl was probably one of the more attractive girls at her high school. She may or may not have been the prom queen.
What she does: She isn’t your typical groupie–she’s the groupie who has been dating the quarterback since high school and followed him to college for no other reason besides the fact that she couldn’t live without her high school sweetheart. She imagines their life will be similar to high school. This is probably not going to be the case. The old faithful is the ignorant freshman chick who still believes telling the girls at the bar “excuse me, I’m his girlfriend” will deter the other, more aggressive jersey chasers from pursuing the young star. Tell that to the local celeb (she will prison shank you with her heel and walk off with your boyfriend as you’re bleeding out). I almost feel bad for this girl. She’s the girl who gets a late night call when our quarterback can’t find a lay, gets in trouble academically or legally, or is stressing out about anything personal. She is the rock that keeps the ship at bay during tough times; however, when the water is smooth sailing, the signal caller will probably be out catching other fish.
Her end game: She will date around when things are rough with her high school sweetheart. Bros will refer to her as “so and so’s ex-girlfriend” which will magically bump her up a point or two on the hotness scale. Once our quarterback finally fulfills all his wild sexual desires (usually around the second semester of his last year) they reunite and ride off into the sunset of the NFL. God bless her naivety and steadfast love, which she knew to be “true” not even a week after she was legally old enough to drive.
What she looks like: The athlete is usually one of the more attractive girls on the basketball, softball, soccer, track, volleyball, or gymnastics team. She may not have the prettiest or most feminine face, but she always has a tight, fit, athletic body.
What she does: This groupie usually ends up hanging around and/or dating an athlete by default. Her familiarity with his friends, the trainers, and the coaching staff gives everyone (especially her) the idea that pairing with another athlete is a comfortable, natural fit. She understands the pressure that comes from being a high profile athlete on campus (kind of) and she really is the best fit for an athlete to date, hypothetically. Her schedule constricts her natural, womanly desire to spend every free waking moment with her significant other, and she usually isn’t the drunkest girl in the bar when she does go out. Her mental toughness is a huge advantage to the relationship, and if she can stay loyal throughout the few short years of college with her star athlete, her ticket to the NFL is usually punched. Cheerleaders, by the way, fall under the athlete section of groupies, especially the higher tier cheerleaders (your Song Girls, Golden Girls, Pom Squad, and so on).
Her end game: Similar to the old faithful groupie, she is just biding her time. With her own love and respect for athletics and great physical genetics, she makes for fantastic wife material for any college player. God bless the athlete and her future LeBron-esque children, who will keep us entertained for years to come.
There you have it: a general idea of the beautiful, wonderful girls we so negatively and wrongly label as “groupie” or “jersey chaser.” Hell, we say keep chasin’! Keep our teams as confident and as stress-free as possible throughout the season, and we will keep our judgments of your lifestyle as polite (if not as quiet) as possible.