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The Alcohol Health Guide: Frat Version

What Kind of Substance is Alcohol?

Science somewhat ironically defines alcohol as a depressant, but science be damned. As Evil Knieval once said after sustaining horrific injuries due to a miscalculated jump, “Science can go fuck itself, now get me a drink.” Alcohol might be more accurately defined as an enabler. It enables greatness, fun, countless types of intercourse, regret, sports rage, running with scissors, conversation, emotion, and the vast majority of American misdemeanors to name a small fraction.

How Does Alcohol Move Through the Body?

Alcohol is absorbed after ingesting it through the mouth. The alcohol then moves to the stomach and small intestine. Once there it marinates with whatever food the drinker has consumed that day and is expelled any of several ways:

Urination: A good portion of the liquid consumed will be expelled relatively soon after consumption. The number of times a drinker urinates while consuming alcohol will vary (anywhere from five to “I blacked out and can’t remember”). The importance of removing pants BEFORE urinating cannot be stressed enough.

Vomit: Should a body no longer be able to handle the amount and/or combination of alcohol a drinker has consumed it will violently expel the alcohol (and all other stomach contents) via the mouth. The body ensures that this process will be hilarious to onlookers as punishment for the drinker’s overestimation of their alcohol tolerance.

Defecation: Better known as the “Beer Shits.” This process usually occurs the next day and is the final product of a full night’s worth of alcohol and food marinating together inside the drinker. The end result is a demon sludge that isn’t so much expelled as it is exorcised. It is viscous evil, the devil’s pudding. The importance of removing pants BEFORE defecation really really really cannot be stressed enough.

What Does “One Drink” Entail?

Beer– A 12 ounce beer at 4% alcohol constitutes “one drink.” Thirty 12 ounce beers at 4% alcohol constitutes a great day.

Liquor– Generally one shot or 1.5 ounces of regular 80 proof liquor such as whiskey, gin, vodka, etc equals “one drink.” It is advised however that any self poured drink contain at least three shots.

Wine– It’s wine, you’ll be okay.

What is the Difference between Blackout and Passing Out?

Passing out is when a drinker loses consciousness. Blackout is when a drinker loses any and all fucks that they may have been giving prior to blacking out. Some blackout drinkers have set “blackout routines,” or a set of tasks and actions their blackout subconscious urges them to do, although they may not always be in the same order. An example of said routine would be: text slam, haze, order pizza, secretly cry, feel self loathing, haze more, feel godlike, slam the slam, godlike illusions reaffirmed, vow not to tip because the pizza still hasn’t arrived, pass out, awake to eat pizza, re-pass out.

Meanwhile other blackout drinkers are complete wild cards. Their actions are basically unpreventable, so if possible just try and keep them away from all of the following: law enforcement officials, steering wheels, passed out drinkers, valuable electronics, and beloved family members.

Effects of BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) on Thinking, Feeling, Behavior

0.02 – 0.03: Nothing.

0.05 – 0.06: Frustration with not having a higher BAC sets in, beers shotgunned and/or shots taken.

0.07 – 0.09: In case there was any question before this point, you have now confirmed that drinking was in fact the right choice.

0.08: Legal definition of intoxication. Start to question the legitimacy of your lawmakers.

0.11 – 0.12: Coordination and balance becoming difficult, as in you finally had your first miss attempting to throw an empty into the trashcan. Still drilling beer pong shots though.

0.14 – 0.15: Charm is peaking, intended destination probably still not reached, either given the confirmation or illusion that everyone, especially women, love you.

0.20: Talking has turned to shouting, full on raging has commenced, “blackout routine” imminent.

0.30: “Chill out, he’s probably fine…but get him out of the formal room.”

0.14-0.15: The BAC you wake up with the next morning, “beer shits” imminent.

What is a Hangover and How Do I Prevent it?

A hangover is the body’s reaction to poisoning and withdrawal from alcohol. The only way to prevent a hangover is to drink in moderation. There is no way to prevent a hangover.

Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM

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