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The Alcoholism Test

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You know you’re an alcoholic when…

It’s always 5’oclock somewhere.

You kill a six pack just to watch it die.

Bud does not refer to weed.

You estimate driving distance in road beer.

You can’t remember the last time you took a solid shit.

A shotgun does not refer to a firearm.

You spend most of your money at last call.

You can look into the review mirror and identify all police car models by their headlights.

You’re more confident when performing a field sobriety test than interviewing for a job.

You think recycling beer cans is a viable business opportunity.

You see 18-wheelers on the freeway and you fantasize about how awesome it would be if they were filled with beer.

You ask what size the pitcher is before you order one.

You don’t think 7am is early. You think it’s late.

You consider reality itself to be a drinking game.

You’re terrible at beer pong when you’re sober.

You’re terrible at everything when you’re sober.

When you’re sober, you realize that all of your friends are really stupid.

You think empty handles of liquor are decorative art.

You find beer bottle caps in your pockets when you do laundry.

You hide money in the credit card slot of your wallet so that you don’t impulsively spend it when you’re wasted.

You laugh at people who think alcoholism is a “problem.”

You think alcohol is a dietary supplement.

You’re holding a drink in every single one of your Facebook pictures.

Dinner time is after 2 am.

You’ve memorized the phone numbers for all the 24/7 delivery restaurants.

You think cell phones are disposable.

You know the happy hour specials of every bar in town.

You think the floor is an acceptable place to sleep.

Your main problem with playing sports is that it’s hard to run without spilling your beer.

Beer goggles are a permanent part of your daily attire.

Whenever you’re at a nice bar that sells lots of different beers, you choose according to which one has the highest alcohol content.

You don’t understand why people drink soda if it’s not as a mixer.

When people ask you what bar you’re going to go to tonight, your reply is “All of them.”

Male bartenders are tipped according to how strong they make your drink. Female bartenders are tipped according to how hot they are.

Girls saved in your phone contacts have three names, none of which is their actual name. The first two names are descriptive, such as “Hot Blonde” or “Filthy Whoremonger.” The third name is the name of the bar where you met her.

You don’t go to the gym because you want a six-pack but because you want to avoid a keg.

You can’t sleep if you aren’t wasted.

Number one sign that you’re an alcoholic:

You can’t think of a single reason not to get drunk.

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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