======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Our writing staff was asked, “Which team would you rather see win the national championship?” Here are some of the responses…
Would you rather ride arm-around-belly, two-deep on a Vespa with your buddy through the heart of campus on a Monday afternoon in the fall, or endure a brutal, three-minute titty twister at the hands of an ill-tempered Paul Bunyan? It’s the classic “lesser of two evils” debacle. There isn’t a good answer, but rather a less shitty one.
For me, the less shitty answer is Notre Dame. I don’t want to see Notre Dame win another natty per se, but I’d rather Brian Kelly hoist the crystal ball than the Nicktator. On one hand, Kelly is a red-faced asshole with a terrible sideline demeanor and a berate first, ask questions later philosophy. And let’s not forget he has a student death on his watch for which he has no response. On the other hand, Saban is just evil to his core. He practices unethical recruiting/scholarship practices, runs a North Korean-esque, drone-like program, and is generally just a red-assed sonofabitch. The guy looks fucking miserable at all times. I bet he’d trade topless photos of Mrs. Saban for a still shot of the offensive formation ND plans on rolling out there for the first drive of the game. In a battle of the lesser of two evils, Saban is Satan. Their names are even a single letter apart from each other.
However, these are the nation’s two most historically deep-pocketed football programs, and third place USC (possibly OU or even Michigan) is trailing by a furlong. I suppose it’s good for the game that these two NCAA football monsters will share the spotlight together on the biggest of collegiate athletic stages, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Because I don’t. Yeah, go ahead and say it: I’m butthurt about it. I am, admittedly. And not-so-coincidentally, the nation’s top two all-timers will be traveling with the two bandwaggonest of bandwagon fan bases in our great nation. Just two groups of entitled and insufferable blowhards.
I’m gonna act like a bitch leading up to, and during, the game. And screw Baylor for knocking off Old Man Snyder and the Wildcats. That silver fox deserved a ring.
Bama fans, if and when your team wins this game, please don’t claim 15 national championships or whatever your mythical number is up to by now. It makes you look ignorant.
Prediction: Alabama 24 – Notre Dame 20
For me this game comes down to which team will be less annoying to see win, and holy shit is that a tough choice. Speaking of “holy shit,” I choose Notre Dame as the more annoying victor, and thus Alabama as the team I want to win. Bama is annoying too, there’s no doubt. In fact it pains me to root for them. One thing I will never adopt as a new SEC member is the shameless conference circle jerk that takes place every January so the teams in the SEC that sucked ass, which includes my alma mater this year, can feel good about themselves. Alabama winning the title doesn’t make Tennessee’s season any less of an abortion. Sorry Vols fans. In fact, one of the things I respect about the Alabama fan base is that they apparently don’t buy into the SEC family love. Win a national title and Bama will POISON YOUR FUCKING TREES.
But however obnoxious Alabama may be, Notre Dame has them beat. It’s the only thing Notre Dame is going to beat them at, actually. After a lifetime of living in a Midwestern city whose populous is predominately Catholic, and attending Catholic school from pre-K through high school, I am sick and fucking tired of hearing about Notre Dame. My grade school’s fight song was based on Notre Dame’s. My high school’s football team models their uniforms after Notre Dame. Why? Because Notre Dame is Catholic! And a good school! And a nice program! Not like all those other schools whose thug football players smoke marijuana! I’ll give Notre Dame students and alumni credit here and admit that these aren’t generally their beliefs, but rather the beliefs of the legion of Notre Dame supporters who root for the school because “fuck it, it’s Notre Dame, might as well root for someone.”
It’s easy for people to jump on the Notre Dame bandwagon because you don’t have to know anything about Notre Dame to do it. At least when you sell your soul to the Yankees you have to learn who Derek Jeter is. With Notre Dame you don’t have to know the players or the coach, you just have to smile at the shiny helmets and act pious because you’re rooting for the team from the “good school.” Never mind that their coach is a walking red skin sack inflated by rage. Also, don’t worry about the sketchy deaths surrounding the program, one having to do with gross coaching staff negligence, the other with player rape. Instead just tell me how “nice” it is to see a program like Notre Dame beating a semi-pro team whose players are only in school to get drafted.
At least Alabama fans know they’re assholes and relish in it. Notre Dame fans and “fans” are completely oblivious to how awful they are.
I will admit that I did not watch Notre Dame play a lot this year, but I did watch the USC game in its entirety. During that game the thing that stood out to me was how USC’s athleticism and raw talent kept them in the game and gave them a shot to win, right to the end. Lane Kiffin’s shitty coaching and a few understandable miscues by a redshirt freshman QB cost USC more than anything else. So now Notre Dame gets to a play a MORE athletic team coached by the
Prince of Darkness best coach in the sport. Good luck with that one.
Prediction: Alabama 41 – Notre Dame 23
I’d like to see Alabama win this game, but my reasoning is weird. These are the two worst bandwagons in the history of sport. The world would be a better place if every single Notre Dame and Alabama fan disappeared from it. That being said, the Alabama bandwagon is already at its peak. Is another national championship really going to make things that much worse? The obese, chicken grease covered rednecks that call themselves Crimson Tide fans might do a little extra procreating in the Walmart parking lot after the win (using thick ranch dressing as lube), but all-in-all things will remain the same.
On the other hand, a Notre Dame win would cause an extreme rise in Fighting Irish pride that has been dwindling since before Rudy climbed the steps of Mount Doom with Frodo. I don’t want these obnoxious, anti-contraceptive, leprechaun lovers to have a reason to celebrate. I like watching them live their sad little lives in the past.
Prediction: Alabama 31 – Notre Dame 10
Alabama is the rectal hair of America. Aside from the Greek System (you guys are cool), it’s the kind of place that harbors serial killing meth-heads. You either live there because you can’t afford a U-Haul, or because your trailer hasn’t gotten swept away to Oz yet.
You know your school is abysmal when beating Auburn in anything is considered a badge of pride. Crimson Tide fans, it’s because of comparisons to you that Mississippi State students are beginning to consider themselves smart. One could find a third grader’s report card, tint it crimson, stamp “special needs” on the top, and Voila! — you’ve got yourself an Alabama degree. A five dollar coupon for a rim job in the bathroom of Ponderosa Steakhouse holds more clout. At least that place has running water.
STOP WINNING FOOTBALL GAMES.
Fine, that’s what this is really about. I don’t hate Alabama. I don’t think all Alabama residents are rednecked, pear-shaped, inbred, cold-sored, toothless, meth-addicted, RAYCESS apparitions that are stuck in a past era and currently haunting the halls of America like a walking, waking, cautionary tale that’s sucking the intelligence dry out of everything it touches. I’m just jealous.
At first, I loved the SEC’s dominance. My family is from Dixie. A good amount of guys in my chapter have southern roots. It was awesome seeing SEC teams (especially Good Ole Rocky Top) take home the Natty.
But then one turned into two, two turned into three, and three is about to turn into seven. It’s getting ridiculous. It’s not only the conference’s dominance, but the egomania attached to it.
S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!
It’s nauseating. I’ve never seen an entire region orally massage its rivals like this. It’s like national championships are literally the only thing keeping General Nick Saban from rallying the South into launching a second civil war.
Did you know that when the Tide plays Notre Dame on January 7th, the National Championship will have called the state of Alabama home for 1,095 DAYS? I feel like Selina Kyle. “SEC, you’re all going to wonder how you ever thought you could live so large, and leave so little for the rest of us.”
Notre Dame is one of my school’s biggest rivals. This should hurt to say. However, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Wake up the echoes. Go Irish.
Prediction: Alabama 42 – Notre Dame 16
Sure, the Fighting Irish are undefeated, but that doesn’t mean shit when you don’t play anybody and your offense sucks balls. Alabama may have lost a game, but they’ve been forged in the furnace of the SEC, which is the greatest conference in the nation.
A lot of people bitch about there being an SEC bias in the BCS. Well, it’s true, so shut the hell up. The SEC is always favored because it’s top-tier. It undeniably shits on every other conference. The SEC should secede from the BCS and form its own championship system called TFTC.
None of that really matters, though, because the days of the BCS system are numbered, thank God. College football will soon emerge from the dark ages of the BCS into the light of a playoff system. Heisman be praised. Maybe then there will be a bowl game that is worth a damn.
As for the Crimson Tide and the Fighting Irish, both teams have a solid defense, which means it’s going to be a low scoring smashfest. Alabama is the better team, but the 9-point spread is a bit much. I think a lower spread is more accurate, because a lot of people underestimate Notre Dame.
Notre Dame will take the lead early. They know they’ve got to go for big offensive plays, and Everett Golson is a mobile QB who could get it done. However, I think the Saban defense will figure out their trickery and start forcing turnovers, which will allow the freight train Alabama offense to catch up and crush out a win. It all hinges on the Notre Dame offense. If they can’t put points up, Alabama will beat them harder than a red headed step-mule in Chris Brown’s basement.
If I had to make up an arbitrary final score based on absolutely nothing, I’d say Alabama over Notre Dame by six. If both offenses show up, the scores could be high, but it will still be closer than expected. I don’t think Notre Dame will win, but I do think they can fuck up the spread.
Prediction: Alabama 23 – Notre Dame 17