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The Black List

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As elites, we are used to people not liking us. They don’t like us, and we don’t like them. In the spirit of this frame of mind, I’d like to present my Black List. This is a list of people who have gone above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to pissing me the fuck off. Each of them is incredibly stupid, incessantly annoying, evilly conniving, or some mutant combination of the three. You know those nights during pledgeship that still come back and haunt your nightmares? I want to haunt these people’s nightmares in similar fashion on a regular basis.

1. Glenn Beck- What? A conservative pundit? How dare I? Let’s get one thing straight. Glenn Beck is a fucking toolbox. He substitutes volume for facts and fear for rational discussion. He is a con man, and makes conservatives everywhere look bad. If we want to take back power and respect, we need our public voices to be more thoughtful and less bat-shit crazy. Also, he’s a Mormon. Which, according to my research (shit I’m making up), means that he believes midgets are baby angels, he’ll live in a castle made of bacon when he dies, and certain economic factors are evidence of the coming apocalypse. Oh wait, that last one is true.

2. Tyler Perry- Cross-dressing weirdo who is raping American pop culture. Next.

3. Skip Bayless- Skip, shut up. Just shut your mouth. We get it. You’re paid by ESPN to be “that guy.” The guy who infuriates fans with nonsensical points and bullshit arguments. If I see you in public I’m going to force you to throw a tight spiral, and when you can’t, I will show you by rocketing the football straight at your chode.

4. Anyone on reality TV- Kardashians. Ex-Playmates. Ugly lesbians in the Amazing Race. I don’t care who you are…if you have a reality show, I will never respect you as a human being. The premises of these shows have progressively gotten worse. It’s gone from “let’s put some demented people in a house and see what happens” to “let’s fill every show with pregnant teenagers, Botox drunken housewives, and lots and lots of cupcakes.” If anything signifies an upcoming apocalypse, it’s these horrific reality TV shows. But I’d still light up Kim Kardashian’s ass like Clark Griswald’s house on Christmas.

5. Osama bin Laden- check

6. Danica Patrick- Here’s the deal. I’m not a huge fan of NASCAR, but I can respect its traditions. Not only is Danica a terrible driver who gets way too much coverage simply because she’s a woman, but she’s not as attractive as some people make her out to be. She’s usually the least appealing slam in those idiotic GoDaddy commercials. I didn’t say I wouldn’t hit it, but she’s definitely overrated, as is her sport, and it’s annoying.

7. Kenny Chesney- He ruined country music. It’s a fact.

Obviously this list goes on and on, but it gets repetitive with all the liberals, stupid sports announcers, Dane Cook, and at least five guys named Keith (ever met a Keith you liked? Me either). The point is, people suck. So what do I do? I ignore the shit out of them and then laugh every time I hear someone mutter how frat guys are all pricks. It’s the way of the world. If you have people you’d like to add to the List, start a Discussion about it. I would do it myself, but I’m too busy with this whole Libya thing. Coups d’état don’t plan themselves, you know.

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Sterling Cooper

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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