Remember in the early 2000s when that trend of releasing shitty PG-13 horror movies was sweeping the nation? If you do, you probably remember “The Ring,” and if you remember “The Ring,” you undoubtedly remember the terrifying little girl in the well, Samara.
Well, Samara — also known as Daveigh Chase — grew up to be a total babe.
A fit bird indeed, lads!
I’d like to explore her well.
If you like it then you better put a ring on it.
But wait. It turns out that Chase is also a total freak. She’s the kind of girl who will chew the shit out of your neck, take exotic drugs like opium, and destroy your apartment if you break things off with her.
The caption on this hickey pic reads “Your welcome.” Who needs grammar when you’re a dime?
I am equally startled and aroused. It’s like going through puberty a second time.
Sweet titty muffins. She’s obsessed with guns, too.
It has come to our attention that Chase’s last boyfriend was found dead in a closet. The cause of death remains “unknown,” but his corpse was clutching a beat up little book that appears to be some sort of diary.
Here are the contents of that book:
Day 1: Just scored a date with the hottest chick ever. Her name’s Daveigh. I met her in the park. She was just staring at this old well and mumbling to herself. Not much of a talker. I think I’ll take her to a movie or something that involves as little communication as possible.
Day 4: Home girl has some moves! After the movie, I took her to the club and she instantly became the life of the party. She did this thing where, I don’t even know, man. It was kind of like crawling, except she put each foot in front of her head. Needless to say, she’s flexible as hell. Can’t wait to get her in the sack.
Day 10: Over a quiet dinner, she abruptly told me that tonight, things were going to “come full circle.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m pretty sure I’m about to get laid, or at least get a nice beej.
Day 11: OH MY GOD I THINK I’M IN LOVE. Daveigh just gave me the freakiest sex of my life. She got on top and took total control. I was laying such good pipe that she was shouting nonsense words. Jesus man, I still have red hand marks on my throat.
Day 15: We banged again last night. Even better than the last time. Woke up this morning to the sound of static coming from the TV and she was gone. Then, I found her wide awake in the bathtub fully submerged in about a foot of water. She’s so quirky!
Day 20: Things are getting serious with Daveigh. We’re starting to do really serious relationshipy stuff. Tonight she asked me to come over and watch home movies with her. Can’t wait!
Day 21: Got some prank call on the phone today saying I was about to die in seven days. Probably those fags in Beta. Jealous pussies, man.
At this point, the diary entries become increasingly erratic.
Day 22: Your parents love you, Samara.
Day 23: I love you too, Mommy.
Day 24: What happens when you die, Daddy?
Day 25: NO DADDY PLEASE DON’T DO IT.
Day 26: DADDY NO.
Day 27: NOOOO.
Day 28: THERE ISN’T ENOUGH TI —
A videotape was also recovered with the body, which was dressed in finely-ironed Chubbies and a Southern Tide polo. Watch the footage below:
Despite the unfortunate turn the life of her former lover took, you’d be crazy not to want to throw a fuck into this Devil-worshipping Goddess.
I rest my case..
Image via Instagram