You’ve been ghosting a class for an entire semester. Your midterm is tomorrow and you’re more boned than a middling ESPN on-air personality after Thanksgiving. You now have to retain a massive amount of information in under 24 hours. There’s only one saving grace that could salvage a passing grade, your graduation date, and maybe even the little bit of pride you have left: an all-nighter.
I have done this far too many times, and I have the process down to an exact science. The only thing you need to do is trust the process.
1. Grub Situation
If you’re going to be up for a ridiculous amount of hours you need to fuel your body so you don’t crash. The first thing you’re gonna want to do is eat a dinner that could feed a small Norwegian fishing village hunkering down for a harsh winter. I recommend Chipotle (aka the dinner of champions) to get 2 burritos with double meat, every topping, and some guac. Bitch, I know it’s extra. Bottom line, increase your food intake and make sure to get something in the stomach before popping any addy. A nice exotic spread of Sour Patch Kids, Doritos, and Oreos does wonders, too.
2. Serviceable Study Area
Get out of the fraternity house, you moron. Nothing productive’s getting done between those walls.
3. Squad of Fellow Degenerates
You will go crazy if you have to study all night by yourself, and you will probably end up hallucinating from the sleep deprivation, so find other kids in your class who are attempting the same tomfoolery. If you get a study guide from someone who has their shit together, that’s a major bonus. So do your research, and assemble a squad that you can work with.
It’s about time I got to it, right? Adderall is the magic pill that makes everything possible. They made a Bradley Cooper movie about it, so pulling an all-nighter should be a breeze. Addy is the engine that will keep you going during your endless journey to the center of the textbook you haven’t begun to crack open. Don’t fuck up your Adderall intake, though. You could enter your exam feeling like 11 after she fucked up a Demogorgon in Stranger Things. Not good. But, if you take enough, and space out your dosage correctly, you will be ready to absolutely crush your exam. Just make sure you stay focused on studying and don’t start cleaning your house. Shit happens when you’re wired, so make sure you keep your focus.
5. Stupid Amounts of Caffeine and Nicotine
Adderall will give you the focus to get you through your all-nighter, but a combination of caffeine and nicotine will enhance your studying by a mile. A large coffee will kickstart you into full-fledged beast mode. If you’re an energy drink fiend, buy a few, and keep them stocked and ready to go.
For all my smokers and vapors out there, get a fresh pack of heaters, or make sure your vape is ready to fire. If you’re a JUUL guy like me, it is absolutely necessary to have a full pod and full charge on your device so you can stay wired at all times. Whenever you feel like you’re starting to hit a wall, take a walk and rip a cig, or hit your vape. Grab a fresh cup of coffee, or crack open an energy drink. Rinse and repeat throughout the night as needed.
6. Power Nap
Proceed with caution. Set about 15 alarms all within a 15-minute span of each other so you are guaranteed to wake up. Otherwise, you’re that mook that wasted mad hours studying for an exam that you didn’t even get to take. Don’t be that mook.
7. Get Ready To Fuck Shit Up
Throw on the headphones and get ready for war, player. You got this.
8. Accept defeat
5 minutes into the exam, and all hope is lost. The test might as well be in another language and you completely wasted what could have been a decent night out at the bar. Pack up shop, trash your scantron, and toss double birds in your professor’s general direction as you walk out of the room.
“Is it too late to withdraw?”.