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The Dos And Don’ts Of A One-Night Stand

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It’s any given weekday in the middle of summer break and you’re hanging out on the patio of some below average bar. Unfortunately, most of the top-tier talent haven’t returned from their summer abroad yet. Sadly, while you’re sitting here drinking away your problems, they’re getting swept away by every cuck on a moped that crosses their path. The mid-level players were present but they peaced hours ago. At that point, your drunk ass wasn’t ready to turn in. Now, there is only an hour left until last call and slim pickings remain. Summer is lonely and even though it’s ill-advised, you refuse to go home alone, so as to admit that the evening was a failure.

You, my friend, are in a situation all too familiar to thousands of college kids around this great country. A pastime as old as college itself, you’re flirting with the prospects of scooping up a broad you’ve never met before and heading home for the infamous one-night stand. I’ve had a few go-arounds in this scenario and it can sometimes be tricky to navigate. Here is a concise list of the things to do and the things to avoid when getting down with a complete stranger.

Do: Stay at her place.

Don’t: STAY at her place.

Subtle distinction but it will make a world of difference. At all costs, avoid going back to your own place. Nothing worse than a rando knowing exactly where you live. I regrettably boned my dorm room neighbor freshman year and I’m still reeling from the awkwardness that followed. Bonus: You avoid having to humiliate her by giving your stranger das boot in the a.m.

If you do go to her place, it is paramount to get out of there as soon as you are done handling business. If you’re a gentleman, you can wait for her to fall asleep before you dip, but the rest of you degenerates (like me), just walk out ASAP. Waking up and being held hostage at her place is a nightmare nobody wants to endure. 

Do: Wear a condom.

Don’t: Wear HER condom.

I know it’s not “fun” and all but condoms are a necessity. You don’t know this girl and you definitely don’t know where she’s been. She could be fine, but chances are if she agreed to take your inebriated self back home with her, she’s probably not prone to making smart decisions.

Bring your own condom. Listen, I’m not going to say that every woman is a psycho trying to get impregnated by your genetically average swimmers. However, there are hole-punchers out there and they are hard to identify. Trust me, my sister’s roomate’s cousin’s friend’s brother got a girl prego and he swears that’s how he ended up a father. It definitely happens.

Do: Be drunk enough that you can bang out like a pro.

Don’t: Be so drunk that you can’t perform.

This is a fine line that needs to be toed with caution and understanding. No better feeling than pounding along, knowing full well that you’re killing it, but also understanding that you are probably too hammered to finish the job. Sure, the downside is that you’re not getting your rocks off but this is a real résumé-building opportunity. You’ll look like a king to her and probably get a killer review when she relays the night to her friends, which in turn can lead to future dividends.

On the flip side, you need to be careful because whiskey dick is real. A few drinks and you’ll be hitting that shit like a pornstar, but a few more and you’ll look like a true asshole. Thankfully, I have avoided it for the most part in my drinking career but it definitely happens sometimes. Understand your body. Don’t be that guy who can’t get his little soldier to stand up and fight. That will undoubtedly also get reported back to her friends. Pro tip: I would never advise mixing energy drinks with alcohol because that is “bad for the ole ticker,” but I’ve also never had any functionality issues on the nights where I’m heavy on the vodka Red Bulls. Just saying.

Do: Try new things.

Don’t: Try too many new things.

This is your chance to test drive some new moves without the awkwardness of having to face her again after your adventuring inevitably falls flat. Think of this as a practice round, an opportunity to refine your shagging skills. Have fun with it. Think outside the box.

However, do not get carried away. Even if you don’t know this broad, it’s still prudent to show a bit of restraint. You don’t want word to get around that you’re into some weird shit. One swirl through the rumor mill and your innocent escapade can turn into a narrative of you liking to be pissed on. Don’t let that happen.

Happy fornicating.

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Dent is a washed up former athlete who swears he's totally over his ex-girlfriend. One of these days he'll get around to applying to a real job, but until then he'll keep pumping out lackluster articles while downing copious amounts of Natty Light.

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