So you just started dating a new girl. Things are going well. Maybe you’re already labeled and official, maybe you’re on your way there. Or maybe you’re just fuck buddies. Perhaps you’re just banging her and holding on until she realizes you’re not interested in a relationship, then the jig is up and your balls are blue.
Either way, at some point in the very near future, she’s gonna introduce you to her little tribe of female friends and you have to quickly assimilate and gain their undying trust. I understand this can be very stressful. Most men would crack under such intense pressure.
These vaginal squads are an unbreakable sisterhood, a wall of overzealous friendship that thinks with a mob mentality. If you piss off this girl’s little Justice League of BFF’s? You are fucked. So you need to conduct yourself in a professional manner. You’re skating on thin ice, bud. You could lose this girl. If she leaves you, she will venture back into a sea of desperate fuckboys trying to become her vehicle for rough rebound sex.
Think about some dude with popped collars and a backwards hat shoving his three-inch boner into your lady while she fake moans in the backseat of a car with a bunch of empty beer bottles on the floor. A Mac Miller mixtape is blasting and they just saw the new The Fast and the Furious movie. Not a pretty sight, right? Downright disgusting if you ask me. We can’t let this happen.
So, in summation, you need to win the trust of your girl’s pals. This will prevent her from leaving you, therefore preventing her from fucking some douchebox bro that rolls mediocre joints and says “it’s lit, fam!” non-ironically.
Here is your guide to making sure you make the proper decisions when you navigate this ocean of protective estrogen.
Be friendly and polite, make yourself seem like a nice guy. Her friends will later be like “your new boy toy is so nice! Keep waxing his pole for years to come.”
Try to get her friend Stacy to blow you in the bathroom of an Outback Steakhouse. It’s not worth it. I don’t care that she keeps you giving you the “fuck my mouth” eyes from across the table while you eat your cheesy fries. That is not a boundary you should have the audacity to cross. Plus, Stacy doesn’t even wanna blow you, you’re just delusional and cocky, you think EVERY girl wants to blow you. When you go to CVS you think the cashier wants to blow you, she doesn’t. Your dick isn’t a kit kat bar, not everyone wants a piece. Come join us back on Earth, you overconfident pile of giraffe crap.
Crack jokes and make her friends laugh. That way they’ll be like “this guy is so funny! He’s like Louis CK but less gross and creepy!” They will give their blessing.
Make a joke where you imply that her friend Mandy gave handjobs to every member of the Wu-Tang Clan. Yes, Mandy DID give handjobs to every member of the Wu-Tang Clan, but that’s none of your business. If you feel the need to bring it up, then be nice about it. Politely ask Mandy how long it took Method Man to finish. Ask her if she spat in her hand before she did RZA and if Ghostface Killah is friendly in person. But don’t shame her. EVERYONE has jerked off the Wu-Tang Clan at least once, stop being mean and judgmental.
Ask them questions. Girls like talking about their own lives. They’re all narcissistic monsters that are obsessed with blabbering about themselves.
Ask her friends Jenna and Danielle if they’ll have a threesome with you next Tuesday. Yes, I know you already got it all planned out in your head. They’ll make out with each other while laying down and take turns getting drilled by you while you blast old Nelly songs through your iPod speakers. But believe me, they’re not interested. They were in a threesome with John Mayer once and he was a very selfish lover, which ruined threesomes for them (as well as that stupid “Your Body Is A Wonderland” song).
Offer to buy everyone a round of drinks, you’ll look like a selfless baller.
Order a round of chocolate milks. Her friend Amy is on a diet and chocolate milk is a boatload of empty calories. Also, her friend Gina is lactose intolerant and whenever she has dairy she starts vomiting everywhere and shooting diarrhea like a machine gun. Do you really want that? To have this giant disgusting mess ruining the building and the blood be on your hands? Then you jump off the Golden Gate Bridge because you can’t handle the guilt and your girlfriend is left alone and decides to start dating Flavor Flav and her life spirals out of control? You’re a monster.
So there you have it, my brothers. That’s your guide, and it has a 100% success rate. For those of you about to meet your girlfriend’s friends, we salute you. Good luck, soldier..