The Dos and Don’ts Of Picking Up Girls At Parties

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So you’re at a party. You got a red cup filled with some miscellaneous random beverage. A little mixture of Coca-Cola, Jack Daniels, and irresponsible decisions. You’re feeling good. Loud Drake music is bumping (hopefully not his newest album, though). You look around and you see girls. Lots of girls. All kinds of girls. Tall girls, short girls, wide girls, illiterate girls, lactose intolerant girls, Spice Girls.

You spot a gaggle of attractive women and you sorta kinda wanna be inside one of them (hopefully 2 or 3 of them, but that’s too ambitious).

You decide to go talk to a female of the opposite sex. Hopefully she’s into you, and hopefully later you guys can go to a private room and play “hide the salami.” But you NEED to approach with caution. Flirting with chicks at a party is an art form, and it’s one that many men have not yet perfected. If you say or do the wrong thing, your balls will end up bluer than a depressed Smurf. You need to follow a very specific set of guidelines. A simple yet effective system written out by a group of experienced professionals.

Gentlemen and gentlemen, I present to you, The Dos and Don’ts of Picking Up Girls At Parties.


Act confident. Women love confidence. Almost as much as they love chocolate bars and Reese Witherspoon movies.


Walk up to her and immediately start singing the theme song from Spongebob Squarepants but trying to slightly change the lyrics to make it about gentle buttfucking. I KNOW this sounds like an absolutely brilliant plan, but believe me, it’s not. Women find it very odd and abrasive. She’ll walk away from you baffled and disgruntled, and Nickelodeon might sue you for copyright infringement. You’re better just saying “hi.”


Crack jokes and try to make her laugh. Try to get some adorable giggles to escape her body, then compliment her on her cute smile or something like that.


Start telling her that global warming was a myth invented by Al Gore and that Pearl Harbor was an inside job that the government carried out so it could make a Ben Affleck movie. Chicks at parties HATE conspiracy theories. They’ll think you’re being preachy and pretentious. And DEFINITELY don’t read her an Edgar Alan Poe poem from your iPhone in an effort to seem dark, brooding, and cultured. It’s an atrocious idea with a zero perfect success rate. Trust me.


Be nice and friendly to her. Be extremely polite and don’t make her feel shitty.


Threaten to kill her father if she tries to say that Beyoncé is overrated. It’s just not the right time for that yet. You need to take baby steps. That’s they key. Definitely do not offer to take her to a strip club to steal all the chicken from the free buffet and go throw it at homeless people. That’s moving way too fast; you just met this woman. Get to know her. That’s more of a third date activity.


Try to dance with her. Even if it’s a shitty song and/or you’re bad dancer. Just be a goof about it.


Spit on her shoe, bite her shoulder, or ask her where her purse is so you can fart in it. This is rude and it will ruin all your momentum. And definitely don’t tell her that Canadians are secretly demons and go on a long rant saying that Cosby didn’t do it. Don’t spoil The Sixth Sense for her. Not EVERYONE has seen that movie yet, so don’t be a dick.


Act like you don’t care. Women love that shit. They like it when you don’t come on too strong.


Take a picture of her and scream that you’re gonna send it to National Geographic to make it a cover for the April issue. They will interpret this as an insult, no matter how romantic and flattering your intentions may be. Don’t ask her to check out your mixtape. It isn’t “hot fire.” You’re an absolutely terrible rapper and need to stop lying to yourself. Oh, and make sure you don’t offer her that week-old Chipotle burrito mushed into the pocket of your bedazzled jeans. That’s a guaranteed immediate snatch dryer.


Offer her a drink or a soda or some shit, I don’t know.


Actually follow the rules of this article.

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Wally Bryton

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