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The Etiquette Of Banging Your Sister’s Friends

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I’m assuming those of us with sisters have thought about this at least two or three times in our lives, unless your sisters are considerably younger than you are (as in, like, under consenting age). In that case, you are a sick pervert and should probably be locked away immediately. And no scouting. This isn’t college football. You can’t go watching an eighth grader in the hopes they’ll be yours when they turn 18.

Potentially dipping your ladle into your sister’s friend’s vichyssoise could result in a myriad of issues you might not see coming. As someone who has experienced a few of these issues (and thought out a few to their logical conclusions) I feel it is my duty to guide you, dear reader, through the maze of figuring out whether or not you should engage in relations with your sister’s friend.

Is she hot?

This is perhaps the most important aspect of determining whether or not you should pounce on “dat ass” (to use the parlance of our times). If she’s a dime, then clearly we’re already leaning toward the “yes” column. If she looks like the undead offspring of Melissa McCarthy and the chick with the lesbian haircut from “The Walking Dead,” you might lean toward “no.” This is a pretty basic determining factor.

Let’s get into the murky areas, looks-wise. Does she have a top-tier rack? A jaw dropping ass? These are typically included in the overall “Is she hot?” aspect, but here, we’re breaking it down. You have to ask yourself, boobs or ass? I’m an ass guy, myself, so when I see a fabulous rear end, more often than not, I chase it with reckless abandon. I’m wired that way. It’s basic science.

If she has a wonderful body but her face isn’t spectacular, I think you lean toward “yes.” You have to. If that body sings to you when she walks by at the bar or when you see her at a barbecue, you need to pounce.

Is she crazy?

Women are bananas. That’s just reality. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. At the same time, “crazy” is sometimes an indicator of how much fun she’ll be in the sack. If she’s a clinger, that’s a problem in a social setting or post-hookup; however, a clinger in the bedroom will do whatever it takes to please you, so that’s a potential win (read: anal).

Jealousy, on the other hand, is the other side of female mania that we all wish to avoid. A jealous chick will make mincemeat out of you right after you tell her you’re going out to the bar with your guy friends instead of staying in and watching “Once Upon A Time” with her. Jealousy never results in anything other than obsession, which is never fun. Look at jealousy as a kind of distant cousin of “clingy” in that regard.

Is she single?

Yes? Well, that’s good. Weigh your options and proceed accordingly, but beware of desperate single friends. They can easily turn into stage-five clingers almost straight away if you’re not careful.

If she’s not single, again, weigh your options. If she’s married or dating some schmuck, she’s most likely as into it as you are, especially if she’s out at the bar with her besties on the regular and he’s nowhere to be found. Consider what I like to call the “fallout probability” of your actions.

Can the guy kick your ass? Can he somehow make your life a living hell? Even though it’s technically her fault for cheating, this guy will still seek to ruin your day in one form or another. I’ve had dudes hit me up on Twitter for fucking their girlfriends, and after a while, the verbal sparring just loses its fun.

I know all the matched up guys will cry foul at the notion, but dude, your girl is fair game if she’s by herself or with her friends at the club or bar–same as you are, guy. Don’t knock the hustle.

Will you two banging ruin your sister’s friendship with her? 

Who gives a shit? If she meets the physical requirements and you aren’t afraid of potential physical or life-altering negative consequences, go for it. Your sister has other friends. Good looking ones at that. Cut a swath through them all–that’s what summer is for.

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Journalist, writer, bon vivant.

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