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While the sorority girls of the world undoubtedly have a lot in common (just scan the TSM wall if you need any verification), there are several key differences between them that crop up through their collegiate careers. No, I’m not talking about unimportant things like personality or moral fiber, I’m referring to the year-by-year progression that seems to completely define every girl I meet. Without further ado, I present to you my analysis of how exactly a sorority girl’s mind progresses as they ascend towards graduation.
From the moment they step on campus, they get all the attention. It’s only natural that they embrace the hoards of upperclassmen lining up for a chance to get a sloppy high school beej.
We all know what is sexually acceptable in high school is about the same as a disappointing Tuesday afternoon hookup in college. Luckily, these girls are…
-Quick to Learn
They might be new to college, but give them time and they’ll be posted up with a fake ID fully prepared to fufill the sexual fantasties of any dedicated fraternal gentleman.
The fact is that freshmen simply don’t understand college. It takes a full year to appreciate the subtle nuances of a carefree raw dogging undergrad lifestyle, so give them time. Also, give them an orgasm and they’ll think you’re their boyfriend.
Unless you are also a freshmen, these girls will without a doubt be clamoring for your genitals with little to no effort on your part. Just remember to remind them not to use too much teeth.
Because sophomores were just freshmen, they’re used to the spotlight. Unfortunately, with a new slew of post highschool sloots parading the street, they quickly find themselves largely ignored in favor of their in shape younger sisters.
When you go from attention demanding freshman to nearly forgotten sophomore, there’s only one way to react. These girls are typically among the absolute drunkest in the Panhellenic system.
After a year of shenanigans, these girls are finally starting to get it. They won’t expect you to be their boyfriend just because you’ve spent a fair amount of your time together naked. Actual emotions from a sophomore are more out of place than Condoleezza Rice at Augusta.
Sophomores fucking love their letters. Maybe because they’re still new to them, maybe because their sorority is the only redeeming quality about their existence. Either way, trash talk this girl’s house and you’ve essentially guaranteed you’ll be masturbating at home tonight.
Because sophomores are like the faded actresses of our era, taking one home requires little more than a brief speck of attention, a “let’s do this” look, and a convenient pledge ride home.
-Zero Fucks to Give
Of all the years of sorority glory, juniors tend to be the most like a fraternity guy. They’ve been at it awhile, and the skits and love chants that exemplify sorority life become monotonous and uninteresting. Finally, they see the truth, and the only thing that suffers is their livers.
While not a personality trait per se, junior year is when most girls come of age, and thus become the raging alcoholics we always knew they were on the inside. You won’t have to buy her a drink because she’s already triple-fisting.
With the bar hopping lifestyle in full swing, don’t be surprised to see a teary eyed junior already dreading the day of her graduation in a hormonal drunken pile on the pavement.
While sophomores won’t stalk you or send you relationship requests on Facebook after a hookup, they still always somehow manage to fall in love with you. Not a problem for the juniors. 90% of the time, they want a baggage-free sex romp just as badly as you do.
As previously mentioned, juniors love consequence free cock. Taking advantage of this should be a simple task. All you have to do is go to your favorite bar and laugh at a few of her mediocre jokes as she spirals into a state of drunken deviancy. By last call, you won’t even have to initiate it.
“OMG WE’RE SO OLD AND GONNA BE GROWN UPS!!!” Seniors know that with each passing day the finish line draws closer. They will make sure to remind each other of this point every time one too many vodka waters coarse through their bloodstreams.
After a standoffish junior year, seniors realize that their time in the sorority house is dwindling. Because of this, they will show up to every mixer and function with the sole intention of having as much fun as possible. The standards chair might not appreciate it, but the common attitude remains “Who gives a fuck, we’re seniors.”
While other classes will rarely sexually surprise you, seniors have seen enough dick in their collegiate careers to reach the moon and back, twice. I had never heard of the “Siamese Flying Pretzel” until an over enthusiastic senior showed me the leg-twisting light.
-Live by their Ovaries
With the real world fast approaching, many seniors will find themselves in a crisis. Single and 22 years old, these girls often become convinced that they will die alone if they don’t find a boyfriend to marry soon. Don’t get caught up in the mix or you’ll be stuck hoping for weekly phone sex in the real world as plenty of available post-grad babes sit idly by your doorstep.
While there is the potential of baggage, that isn’t to say that hooking up in the first place isn’t a simple task. On their endless quest to find their collegiate sweetheart, all you have to do is somewhat fit the bill and they’ll literally be asking you to stuff them like a Thanksgiving turkey.