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“You are what you eat,” the old saying goes, but if that were true half of the Greeks in America would transform into a double bacon cheeseburger at 3am every Thursday-Saturday night. The truth is, what you drink says a lot more than the garbage you shovel into your gullet throughout your collegiate career. This fact holds true for everyone, but especially for the sorority girls we know and love.
That moment you offer to buy her that first drink is more important than either of you realize in your drunken stupor. Up until that point, the only connection you’ve had was a mutual thought of “Hey! This person is attractive enough to possibly have sex with.”
Once she answers the ever important “What are you drinking?” question, you learn more about her than any of the typical bullshit “What’s your major/sorority/favorite animal/mothers maiden name?” questions could ever give you. If she happens to ask you for one of the following drinks, then I can almost guarantee that you’ve found yourself a keeper.
If the girl you’re after asks for a neat glass of the good stuff, congratulations my friend, you’ve found a diamond in the rough. After all, whiskey is the second most attractive fluid a girl can consume. A Whiskey Girl is he kind you’ll see standing on a bar top belting out the lyrics to “Friends in Low Places” as her standards chair shakes her head in shame. If things go well, you’ll eventually start an impromptu swing dance session, even if the bar you’re in has no dance floor whatsoever. One word of warning: keep the spins and dips to a minimum. You don’t want your night to end with a chunky spew of Crown Royal on your shirt.
There’s only one kind of girl that asks for a tequila shot: the kind that likes to fucking rage. While a whiskey girl might end up dancing on an elevated surface, a tequila chick’s night can only end in one way: horizontally. It could be in your bed, a random couch, or even a back alley between her place and the bar. A tequila girl simply doesn’t understand the meaning of a casual night out. While a casual night out by a mystery to her, she’s no stranger to the world of the casual hookup. As soon as that first taste of Mexican devil water touches her lips, she’ll toss away her morals just as quickly as that slice of week-old lime.
I know what you’re thinking. How can one of the most stereotypical girly drinks of all time also be considered one of the hottest? It’s simple. Vodka that doesn’t spout from a plastic bottle is known for its smooth and non-aggressive flavor. By tossing in the blandest mixer of all, club soda, vodka girls religiously guzzle down one of the most tasteless cocktails in a bartenders repertoire. Does this make them dull and uninteresting, like the 80-proof liquor they love so dearly? Hell no it doesn’t. A girl who loves vodka sodas isn’t drinking for the taste, she’s drinking for the sole purpose of getting fucked up. She might not be as crazy as the tequila girl, but let’s be honest that’s probably a good thing. Vodka soda is a reliable drink that every girl can count on. It’s nothing special, but God damn it’s consistent. Just like the sex you’ll be having if you buy her enough of them.
Whiskey might hold the number one spot, but a girl who asks for a pitcher of watered down American goodness deserves some recognition. A girl who appreciates the simple joy an ice cold beer can bring is the same kind of girl that misses college football just as much as you do. You never have to explain to her the difference between “offsides” and a “false start,” and when a call doesn’t go your team’s way she’ll scream “FUCK YOU” to the refs loud enough to make everyone in a 20 foot vicinity uncomfortable. Most importantly, she’s the kind of girl your friends will actually enjoy hanging out with, and not just because they like to imagine what she looks like naked.