Guys, let’s face it. Most women in the world will never understand the complexities of the 3-4 defensive formation. Your average girl will think nothing more than “OMG, why are they hitting him so hard?” as your team desperately fouls its opponent in order to keep the game from slipping through their fingers. Chances are she’ll be infinitely more interested in a sidelined and helmetless Tom Brady, rather than his on-field accomplishments.
While many of them just don’t get it, I’d rather have a slew of clueless girls around than deal with an eternal sausage fest every time I want to watch a sporting event. I need something to look at during the commercials after all, especially ever since Christian Ponder somehow locked down Sam Steele, because when that one gets married, it stays married. Luckily, not all girls are completely worthless eye candy when watching a sport, but the many variations ensure you can never be too sure of the enthusiasm you’ll receive.
I’m here to help. I’ve taken the liberty of breaking down the types of girls you can expect during your sport watching escapades, and can pretty much guarantee that 99.9% of collegiate women will fall into one of these categories.
The Sideline Reporter
This girl might not actually be a sideline reporter, but chances are she’s a telecomm major on track to (hopefully) soon become one. This is the kind of girl who learned at a very early age that men find women who understand sports exponentially more attractive. While this girl will spend much of her time impressing you with her vast knowledge on the complexities of college football, chances are all you want to do is steal a minute to take her supple rack out for a spin.
The Former Athlete
This breed of lady might not know exactly what happens when an onside kick goes out of bounds, but her former sports experience make her far from a hopeless cause. In my opinion, this is the kind of girl you want around. She won’t try to impress you constantly with her sports knowledge like “The Sideline Reporter,” but at least she understands the scoring system in football and what it’s like to be in a competitive environment.
As you might have guessed, this is the girl who plays off sports knowledge when, in reality, she actually carries none whatsoever. Listening to her talk about the game is a lot like reading the ticker on SportsCenter. She won’t offer any insight or knowledge that an ESPN anchor hand’t already reported the night before. While I appreciate the effort from these girls who pretend to care about sports, the lack of genuine effort is noticeable and upsetting. Sports are like orgasms in that way. If a girl is gonna fake it, I’d prefer that I couldn’t tell.
She doesn’t know what’s going on, and she gives zero fucks if it bothers you. In the football stadium, she only knows to cheer when the entire crowd loudly notifies her. She’d rather talk to her girls than pay attention to a crucial game-tying free throw. To her, “March Madness” is the yearly scramble to get invited to as many fraternity formals as humanly possible. She might be hopeless and not know a damn thing, but hey, at least she isn’t faking it.