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The Fourth Of July, As Celebrated By A GDI

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Suh, dudes. Gavin here. To give you some background, I’m a pretty chill dude that goes to your school. My bros and I are the tightest group of dudes around, and we get rowdy on the weekends, let me tell you. Work hard, play harder, nam sayin’? Anyway, I know this site is more tuned to all of you frat bros and the stuff you do, but I’m here to prove that us “geeds” can have just as much fun as you! Looking ahead to the Fourth, I went back through my sickest partying memories (there have been a lot) and documented my Independence Day from last year. I’m going to break it down chronologically, so try to keep up. I’ll get a bid from every frat once you guys hear this.


My alarm went off. As the soothing melodies of “Hotline Bling” woke me up, I jumped out of bed and reached for the beer that I had put on my nightstand the night before. I poked a hole in it with my tooth, expanded it with my key, and shotgunned the fuck out of the thing. It only took me like 15 seconds to shotgun it, but it was pretty difficult on account of it being room temperature. I should have thought of that. I went into my fridge, grabbed another beer, and headed into the shower. My roommates were already up, so I loudly announced “SHOWER BEER!” so they knew what was up. I got kind of dizzy after drinking half of it, so I poured the rest out into the shower drain. I had to slow my roll, for the day was young. The Fourth is a marathon, not a sprint.


I was pretty wasted already, so I had to leave my Prius at home. I got on a city bus, and nearly vomited like 4 times as I rode into town. The rest of the people on the bus were just giving me shocked looks, understandable cause they’ve never seen anything like me before. I got off by the grocery store, and dropped nearly my whole vape shop paycheck on liquor and beer. Two of my bros met up with me at the store, and after purchasing everything, we set out for the fairgrounds.


Nobody was at the fairgrounds yet, as it was still pretty early in the day. But we were dedicated. The three of us set up our blankets on the field, and put all of our drinks into a cooler. We even set up a table so we could play beer pong, though there were only three of us. We took turns playing 2-on-1, and by the third game I needed to have my first puke of the day. After returning from that, we started a game of flip cup and invited some honeys over. This one girl Cara actually texted me back, and said “Yeah, maybe I’ll come by later.” This was it. I was getting laid tonight.


Still, nobody was at the field yet. Just us. The sun was starting to really get to me, as we hadn’t brought anything for shade. The only thing to do was keep drinking.


Finally, a family set up their stuff near us. We offered for them to get trashed with us, but they respectfully declined. I pulled up my Affliction T-shirt to wipe the sweat off my brow, and soldiered on. By that, I mean I passed out on one of our blankets for a few hours.


I woke up with the worst headache of my entire life. Still, it was the Fourth. I had to ball out. I pounded two more Mike’s Hards to get my buzz going again, and then totally Iced my bro Cam. He never saw it coming, but then he Iced me later on. As I threw back that cold Smirnoff Ice, I could feel myself getting to the verge of blacking out again. I kept texting Cara, but she wasn’t responding. I’d have to go out and find some girls on my own.


I staggered around the fairgrounds, where quite a few people had now shown up. I approached a few girls and hollered at them, but it turns out they were only in high school. Darn. After that, I found a girl from my gender studies class and started chatting her up. I was def about to close, but then I felt something welling in my stomach. I began salivating heavily, but I kept focusing on the girl and talking to her. All of the sudden, I projectiled all over her, spraying her with the entire contents of my stomach. She screamed and bolted away from me, and I passed out right where I stood. In all fairness, I’d had like 5 beers and several hard lemonades.


I woke up and looked around. There was not a soul in the entire fairgrounds, and it looked like I had slept through the entire thing. Upon realizing this, I smiled to myself. That’s how fucking hard in the paint I go. Gavin out.

Image via Shutterstock

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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