All at once Darren found himself in a room. He had no knowledge of the hour, or his location. He stood at the foot of a bed as cognizance washed over him. Darren rapidly became more aware of his surroundings. A massive American flag was draped on the wall to his left. Scattered across a dresser and TV stand, which supported a cracked flat screen playing “Finding Nemo,” were dozens of empty bottles and cans. Scrawled across the ceiling in someone else’s handwriting were the words “You eat dicks.” Darren realized that he was in his bedroom.
Then he saw breasts. Giant, perfect breasts. Darren stood over them and watched as they slowly bounced up and down and eventually came to a halt. Still heavily intoxicated, Darren attempted to grasp the situation in front of him. However his drunken confusion made it difficult, so he settled instead on firmly grasping the breasts.
“Why have you stopped?” asked the exhausted, feminine voice that Darren assumed belonged to the breasts he had just taken a handful of.
The voice further threw Darren back into reality. There was a gorgeous, naked woman beneath him. He was completely naked as well, save for what appeared to be a Russian bear skin hat and croakies holding broken plastic sunglasses. Darren began to remember the rest of the night. He remembered a party. He remembered meeting the girl whom he was presently inside. Darren remembered taking shots. He remembered most everything, except how the two of them made it back to his room… and her name. He remembered enough.
“Don’t stop. I cannot wait for you any longer.” Said a second female voice.
Darren spun around to see a second, smaller but equally pleasing, pair of breasts.
“A gentleman should not afford himself two lovers if he cannot provide enough of himself for both.” Quipped the second girl.
Darren responded as if the girl’s remark were a challenge. “Fuck you. There’s enough to go around, no dick deficit here. We’re in the black baby.”
“It would appear, sir, that you’re in the pink.” The first girl reminded Darren. The comment fully reawakened what had been a momentarily befuddled libido and his waning erection roared back to life.
“I FUCKING LOVE YOUR FILTHY MOUTH!” Darren shouted as he started to once again thrust vigorously.
The resumption of intercourse was met with banshee like screams from the first girl. As his current lover moaned like a lonely ghost on the moor Darren turned to his lady in waiting, winked, and gave her his strongest frat point. Her heart was but one of two things that Darren’s ultra masculine gesture melted. Darren was not sure how he had arrived at his current situation, but to him the details were immaterial. There were two naked women in his room, drunk and seemingly willing to do just about anything. Nothing else mattered. Darren was in the midst of a three way.
“MY COCK IS THE STUFF OF LEGENDS!” Darren bellowed.
“It’s as if I’m watching a stallion gallop through a thunderstorm!” The second girl exclaimed.
“I don’t know what the fuck that means.” Darren replied. “Go sit on her face.”
The second girl rose with excitement, moved towards the bed and mounted her counterpart. But as Darren became convinced that he was staring into the face of God, an enemy approached from behind. A short, pale white boy with jet-black hair and and affinity for Asian culture crept slowly towards Darren and his two lovers. The boy, dressed like a ninja, held in his hand a rag wet with chloroform.
In a split second the boy put the rag over Darren’s mouth and nose. Darren tried to fight the ether’s effect and remove the hand from his face but he could not fully bring himself to depart, even for a moment, from the glorious spectacle in front of him. The chloroform began to take effect. But before he was fully knocked out Darren was able to turn and give his assailant one square shot to the jaw. The boy let out a high-pitched, painful yelp. With that Darren fell to the ground, all but gone. The boy stood over Darren and looked into his eyes as they faded.
“Kenji will have his revenge.” He said. The girls screamed and Darren slipped back into the black out he had managed to awaken from only minutes before.
Half a day earlier Darren walked into the social chair’s room, beer in hand, to ask about the party the fraternity planned to throw that night. The details of the party were not terribly important to Darren. His intentions for the evening were the same as always. Drink to excess, take advantage of and subsequently destroy the naiveté of a freshman sorority girl, and maybe order a pizza. Still, he was curious about the theme.
“Shots Around the World.” Said Mike, the fraternity’s social chair.
“Nice.” Darren replied. “What are the countries?”
“The usual, but actually I need your opinion. What should the pledges wear in the Germany room? We thought it’d be funny to draw Hitler mustaches on all of them.”
“Nah man. I don’t wanna get cock blocked if I’m trying to bang a Jewish chick. Still pissed that being the ‘Japanese harpoon gunner’ half of me and Sullivan’s ‘Whale Wars’ Halloween costume cost me that veterinary girl.”
“Fine, I’ll text them to go find some lederhosen.” Mike said, disappointed.
Over the course of the next few hours Darren drank and socialized with his brothers while he intermittently responded to a flurry of text messages from a slew of “sloots,” as he called them. Darren’s responses, dependent on whether or not he felt like seeing the girls, ranged from “come over” to “who tha fukk is darren? txt me agin n u git stabed.”
Eventually crowds of sorority girls began to arrive at Darren’s fraternity and, self-assured that he was sufficiently drunk, Darren made his way out into the crowd and around the “world.” While in the Russian room Darren stole a bear skin hat from a pledge and handed out shots of vodka. Then, across the room, he spotted a girl who he believed to be the most stunning one in attendance. Only her large, impressive bosoms aroused him more than the tragically misplaced innocence in her eyes.
“Note to self, WRECK that.” Darren muttered before approaching the beauty. “Hey, I’m Darren. What’s your name?” he asked, purely as a formality.
“I am Lydia.” The girl replied with a shy smile.
“I think me and you should head over to Mexico and take a shit ton of tequila shots.” Darren said flatly.
“I must warn you sir, the Mexican nectar puts a wild spirit inside of me.”
“More than one hopefully.” Darren retorted.
Lydia was impressed and aroused by Darren’s vulgar charm. She followed Darren out of the Russian room and into the crowded hallway. Already visions of being ravished by Darren flooded her mind, as well as her panties. Lydia still felt a streak of shyness but resolved that a bit more of the social lubricant would bring her comfort. Another look at Darren assured her of one thing with certainty, that would be the only lubricant she would be needing that night.
Before Darren and Lydia could reach the Mexican room Darren was sidetracked by a brother calling out from the Japanese room. The two stopped inside and took several shots of sake while Darren conversed with the brother.
But while Darren and Lydia drank and enjoyed the night, an enemy lurked in the shadows. Kenji, a forgotten nemesis, stood behind the bar wearing a kimono and serving shots of sake to the brothers. Hours earlier Kenji had infiltrated the fraternity with an unsolicited delivery of the sake. None of the brothers were quite sure who had ordered the alcohol, but all were happy to accept the free liquor. Kenji spent the rest of the evening in the newly christened “Japanese room” serving sake, and laying in wait, allowed to stay and serve because all the pledges were allocated to other rooms.
The sight of Darren and yet another female so easily seduced by him enraged Kenji. He thought of his beloved Hentai, or Japanese anime pornography, of which he was a rabid fan, to calm himself. Visions of alien squids violating Japanese schoolgirls and various poorly animated copies of Yu-Gi-Oh characters masturbating filled his head and centered his chi.
“Hey Yoshi, lemme get some more sake.” Darren said.
Kenji’s eyes narrowed and an evil grin ran across his face. Darren stood in front of the bar and continued to mock Kenji to Lydia and several of his brothers. All of them laughed, except for Lydia, who was near the point of having to tie her knees together to keep from mounting Darren on the spot. Kenji meanwhile pulled a poison vial filled with rufilin from his sleeve and emptied the contents in Darren’s drink. Kenji handed Darren his shot and passed several untainted drinks to the others.
“Yeah thanks a lot. Cool robe, do I get a happy ending with this?” Darren laughed as he asked before he knocked back his drink.
When it was clear Darren had finished the entire shot Kenji smirked a terrible grin once more and vanished. No one noticed he had left. Rufilin now coursed through Darren’s veins. By the time he and Lydia reached the Mexican room Darren had completely blacked out. That he could even still stand was a testament to his physical dominance of any and all intoxicants.
After several tequila shots Lydia could no longer keep herself off of Darren’s body. Now intoxicated to the point that he was completely devoid of humanity, Darren stood on a chair in the Mexican room, swilled tequila, and alternated between blatantly hooking up with Lydia and proselytizing about the greatness of America. His audience was captivated.
“YOU’RE ALL PUSSY FAGGOTS!” Shouted Darren. “Me an’ this chick, wur like the life uh this pardy right now. GET ON OUR LEVEL!”
Darren turned back to Lydia and kissed her deeply. The crowd cheered.
“Honesterly, wur not even like, two people even.” Darren said, gesturing to himself and Lydia. “Wur us. One fucking rage machine. An’… an’ we deserve our just rewards. We make this pardy the tits. So since wur one entirety er whatever, whose gonna fuck us? Cuz we derserve to get laid. Who’s it gonna be? What about you? With the hair?”
Darren pointed at a gorgeous blonde in the back of the room. The rest of the crowd turned and stared. Darren waited for the answer he was confident would come. Slowly and lowly the crowd began to chant.
“Do it. Do it. Do it.”
The blonde needed no convincing though.
“I AM YOURS GOOD SIR!” She yelled as the crowd erupted.
Darren and Lydia hopped off the chair, ran to the back of the room, grabbed the blonde’s hand, and rushed to Darren’s room. As the door shut the three of them looked at one another and smiled. They were ready to become legends.
Darren awoke from his second blackout of the night tied to an uncomfortable chair placed in the middle of a barren dorm room, and wearing a kimono. The window had been taped up with trash bags but a hole in the taping revealed to Darren that it was very early in the pre-dawn.
Darren was nervous but kept his wits about him. In the past he had been drunk in both Mexico and Amsterdam. If a Tijuana alley fight or the stab attempts of a Dutch pimp had not rattled him before, being kidnapped in a dorm would not now.
“So we meet again.” Said an unfamiliar voice from behind.
“No, not really. I have no idea who the fuck you are.” Darren replied flatly.
The owner of the voice dashed into Darren’s view. Darren still did not recognize his kidnapper.
“It is I! Cody! The man you wronged so many weeks ago!” Said the short, angry geed who now stood in front of Darren.
“Look clearly you know me. I wrong people like everyday, so you’ll need to be more specific.”
“You stole my Caroline from me you charlatan seducer of the innocent!” Cody shouted angrily.
The name did not ring a bell to Darren, who stared blankly at the increasingly frustrated geed. Cody paced back and forth and looked at his watch. Several times he wondered aloud where someone named Kenji was. Despite the fact that he was tied up and kidnapped Darren could not help but feel entirely indifferent to whoever this other person might have been. All Darren wanted to do was get back to the threesome he was unjustly stolen away from. Cody paced for several more minutes before a knock on the door stopped him. He answered cautiously. Cody opened the door and let in Kenji, Darren’s attacker.
“Where have you been?” Cody demanded of Kenji.
“Meditating.” Kenji replied calmly.
“I do not believe you. You were pleasuring yourself to cartoons YET AGAIN!”
“That’s HOW I meditate!” Kenji said irritated.
The two bickered back and forth while Darren sat and watched, more annoyed than frightened. When he could not take any more Darren interrupted the pair.
“Can I fucking help you?” Darren asked.
“Yes. You can. I will deal with you later.” Cody said to Kenji before he continued. “We’ve brought you here because you’ve wronged us both. Stolen the women we loved, defiled them, and disposed of them like common trash.”
Darren was confused. “… Yeah?”
“ELYSE WAS MY PERFECT LOTUS FLOWER!” Raged Kenji, who unsheathed a samurai sword that had been strapped to his back.
“The French chick? Oh, dude. She was used up man. They lose their virginity at like nine over there. She gave it up like it was a war.” Darren laughed.
Kenji lunged at Darren with his sword but was restrained by Cody. Kenji declared his desire to kill Darren on the spot.
“No, we can’t kill him, we’ll get in big trouble.” Cody reminded Kenji. “But you MUST pay for your violations of the ones we loved.”
“Okay, so, what the fuck are you guys gonna do to me? Electrocute my nads? Mercilessly beat me? What’s the deal here?”
Kenji and Cody stood silently for a moment. It became immediately apparent to Darren that this was as far ahead as Kenji or Cody had thought. Though they had not come up with a specific punishment, to keep Darren from the two women who were ready to commit unspeakable acts all in honor of Darren’s awesomeness was as terrible a punishment as any they could have conceived. Enraged by their laziness and the fact he had been transported from a room with two promiscuous and mistake prone sorority girls to a room with two bumbling GDI’s, Darren began to pull at the knots which bound him to the chair.
“YOU’RE KEEPING ME FROM A MOTHERFUCKING THREE WAY YOU GDI FUCKTARDS!”
Darren stood out of the chair and ripped the ropes from the wood. The back of the chair snapped as he lurched upward. Kenji and Cody recoiled in horror as the man they had kidnapped rose, freed himself, and moved towards them. Darren stopped, stared at them both, and considered his words.
“If one day, a girl’s father finds me and decides I deserve castration or death, fair enough, I deserve it. It’s his daughter, and I probably took a crap on her soul… or chest, whatever. But you two, get a fucking life. I should beat the shit out of both of you, but I’m not wasting one ounce of energy on you, because I’ve got two chicks back in my room that I plan on railing until my heart explodes. Good day to you sirs. Fucking geeds.”
Darren left the room and sprinted back to the fraternity house. He ran up to his room and found the two girls, Lydia and the blonde, entangled on his bed, and still awake. There was no time to explain, no time to talk. Darren simply jumped back into the fray and restarted the festivities. Hours later, exhausted and convinced that all parties were completely satisfied, Darren got up from the bed and politely instructed his guests to leave. Then he ordered a pizza.