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For Parts 1-10 of The Frat Romance Novel series, click here.
The summer sun was not yet at its full height in the sky when Alice arrived at her future university for summer orientation in the midst of a warm June morning. As she drove through the university’s main thoroughfare, not totally sure of her destination, she was excited at the sights that surrounded her. On all sides were students, present and future, hurrying about, laughing and making inconsequential conversation. She wondered what they spoke of. Perhaps the topic was something as inane as directions to the student union, or perhaps, Alice hoped, they spoke of upcoming socials, the drunken soirees at which coeds drowned their anxiety and inhibitions in the sort of cheap spirits whose harsh tastes were reminiscent more of the poorly maintained, rust covered machines in which several undocumented workers had no doubt perished over the years and in which the spirits were distilled, rather than the grains picked from the rotten feed third world livestock refused to eat that the spirits were no doubt distilled from. The type of liquor truly only meant to be guzzled by vagrants so as to silence the maddening chorus of disembodied voices echoing paranoid delusions and violent commands within their heads, and also to distract their concerns over malnourishment and the open, infected sores on the vagrants’ rotting genitals. Taaka Vodka, Alice had heard, was a prime example of this sort of spirit.
And oh did Alice so desire to attend one of these Taaka fueled college socials, a rager she once heard it described, wherein the students imbibed liberally as their bodies drew ever closer, ever barer, until all in attendance were either fornicating, regurgitating, or both.
Alice so longed to be a part of it all, to finally be a true college student! Her simple presence nearly fulfilled this longing. However, her yearning was deeper. What Alice truly desired was for a real college man to deeply fill and till her virgin loins.
Alice, a small and pretty blonde girl with deep blue eyes and a bosom of moderate size, though pleasantly shaped and with areolas that were perfectly proportioned, as if by a divine compass, had yet to know the touch of a man. Despite what Alice’s perceived innocence might have implied, she was a randy girl. For years she had longed to entertain a gentleman, but the pool from which she could draw at her high school was shallow and meek. Alice had previously attended a small school for arts, and the men there were less than adequate. When Alice first began to feel a tingle in her loins several years prior, she sought out to find herself an adequate match at school. Wanting to waste no time with assumption and guesswork, she devised to spy the boys whilst they showered in their locker room. What Alice spied, however, was most disappointing. Though she did not presume to be confronted with the roaring hogs she viewed nightly in private indulgence on the internet, what sad noodles she came to discover provided no suitable middle ground, and she knew she would not find gratification with these men. Also, being that it was a school for arts, most of the males she spied in the shower ended up kissing each other and rubbing said sad noodles on their shower mates’ thighs and chins and what have you.
But Alice was here now, at college, and she reflected not on the past. A bright future in which all her pleasure filled dreams would be fulfilled awaited the girl. No longer, as Alice’s grandmother used to say, would she have to “flick her bean more than a champion playground marble.” A randy woman in her own day, Alice’s grandmother had been entered by more sailors than any port in the European theater during the war.
Alice’s train of thought was broken by a honk behind her. She had lingered at a stop sign for too long, and her grip on the wheel had her knuckles as white as the fiery hot passion now boiling inside her. As she shifted in her seat, Alice noticed that the passion had apparently boiled over. She spied a parking garage with a familiar name up the cross street to the right and turned towards it. There, at the entrance to the garage, an exuberant student wearing an official university polo, a year or two older than Alice, waved enthusiastically to flag her down. Alice pulled into the garage entrance and rolled down her window.
“Hello new student!” the excited young man exclaimed with a smile. “Here for Summer Welcome?”
“Yes,” Alice confirmed, “I am here to begin my orientation.”
“Super!” the young man said. “My name is Gordon, so glad you’re here!”
Alice was already a bit off put by Gordon’s enthusiasm. He possessed the chipper disposition of Alice’s previous, depressingly noodle-peened, male schoolmates. Still, she felt it best to be polite.
“I am Alice,” she replied. “It is nice to make your acquaintance.”
“Great to meet ya! Go ahead and park on the top three levels,” Gordon continued while grinning an idiot’s grin. “I know it’s up high, but you’ll get to see the WHOLE university. It’s a super view!”
Alice, a small and pretty blonde girl with deep blue eyes and a bosom of moderate size, though pleasantly shaped and with areolas that were perfectly proportioned, as if by a divine compass
Alice thanked Gordon for his directions and proceeded into the garage. Most spaces were full and Alice was forced to park on the top level. She pulled into a spot, removed her bags, and headed towards the elevator. The sun shined brightly into her eyes, obscuring her vision slightly. Even still, Alice noticed out of the corner of her eye a group of three men. They were brawny and appeared well kempt. They intrigued the randy young girl. Alice’s path inadvertently, or perhaps magnetically, shifted towards the men. The sun began to obscure her vision less, and she noticed the man standing in the middle. He was tall, devilishly handsome, and in the midst of chugging a can of Budweiser adorned with the American flag. The man took down the brew with impressive haste. When finished, he stomped the can into the ground, picked it up, and threw it off the garage.
Who is this statuesque tower of masculinity? Alice wondered, her face flush, her thighs quivering like two sides of a fault line anticipating a seismic event.
The man noticed Alice and asked, “Can I help you?”
His voice was deep and confident. His tone was apathetic, not in any way matching the implication of the question. He did not actually want to help Alice with anything. Alice knew such a sentiment should be repulsive to her sensibilities, yet instead his complete disregard for her well being, and the simple and totally unnecessary lie he used to mask that disregard, caused Alice to tremble with lust. She had to have him. Her undergarments became soaked like the wall of a punctured dam, though were she to be plugged it would only bring on the full force of the flood. The man could have her right there if he wanted, even if it were on top of one of the scorching car hoods baking in the summer sun. Alice would gladly suffer second-degree burns on her rear to feel the ever more powerful heat she was sure this man could bring, like a glowing red jackhammer pulled directly from a blacksmith’s forge.
Alice’s spell was broken by a whiny exclamation from below.
“HEY!” a voice yelped from the ground. “Who threw that can? It almost hit me! This is a dry campus you know! REAL great impression you’re making.”
It was Gordon. His shrill voice echoed upwards like an alley cat with its head stuck in a can of tuna and not yet resigned to its inevitable death.
The man whom Alice now lusted after desperately roared back, “EAT A DICK YOU FUCKING CHODE!”
Alice giggled at the man’s brashness, his disregard, and at the sad and astonished expression she correctly assumed was contorting Gordon’s face down below. Finally Alice mustered the courage to speak.
“I am Alice,” she said introducing herself formally. “I am a new student to this school, here for my orientation. What is your name?”
“Darren,” the man replied, extending a hand.
Alice shook it and felt Darren’s strength, which weakened her even further.
“Hang out and have some drinks with us,” Darren suggested.
Alice wanted nothing more, but she knew she had to complete the only important task of the entire two-day orientation, which was to register for classes. She informed Darren with much regret that she could not partake at the moment.
“Come to the Alpha house tonight, should be a rager,” said Darren, whose interest had already waned significantly.
A rager! Alice thought.
Finally she was to attend one of these famed college gatherings she had built up to near mythic proportion in her head. If they were myth, then Darren no doubt played the part of knight in shining armor, and Alice the princess. Though her knight was unlikely to ride in on a white steed, Alice had no doubt that what was between his legs possessed an equine resemblance.
Her undergarments became soaked like the wall of a punctured dam, though were she to be plugged it would only bring on the full force of the flood.
“Plus I’m hung like a horse,” Darren continued, his regard for basically anything or anyone erased by a dozen Budweisers.
With her hopes confirmed, to clarify those hopes being that Darren’s member was long and thick like a stud Clydesdale’s throbbing love hammer, Alice agreed to attend the rager with much glee. The night in store held so much: a handsome gentleman, an exciting celebration of new beginnings, and if fate had truly decided to smile upon Alice, a thorough deflowering, as if a drunken gardener had taken backhoe to clear a thicket of rosebushes.
“Whatever, see ya Anna.”
With that, Darren went back to drinking with his fraternity brothers and throwing shit at Gordon below as Alice skipped merrily away.
“You guys are jerks!” Gordon shouted up at Darren and his brothers.
In response, Darren removed his shoe, an old, withered Sperry, and threw it down with great force at Gordon below. The opening of the shoe hit Gordon directly in the nose. The impact was severe.
“FUCK YOU PUSSY!” Darren shouted.
“Oh God!” Gordon screamed, writhing on the ground in pain, bleeding from his nose. “It hurts! And…and that smell! What’s that smell!?!”
Gordon gagged as the fumes of Darren’s rotten Sperry filled his nostrils and the cuts on his face.
“The smell is burning my wounds! It’s so pungent and evil!” Gordon screamed before vomiting all over his frayed cargo shorts.
Darren and the brothers laughed and cracked three more Budweisers. They toasted their victory, and the great American nation their cans honored.
Later that evening, after Alice had registered for classes, she spent several hours in her room alone with her thoughts, and her minge, which was warm to the touch and glowed with a pink hue, like a flamingo on a neon Mexican beer sign. Romance flowed through her. She was, even now, hours later, ever so aroused by the thought of Darren’s touch. Alice forewent the school sponsored pizza party and kickball games on the quad, organized to help the more awkward students socialize and find like mindedly awkward friends, for which they could collect two or three of and then spend their remaining college years associating only with each other. Instead Alice elected to lock herself away, her only company being two eager wandering hands and the thought of Darren’s inevitable love making.
…she spent several hours in her room alone with her thoughts, and her minge, which was warm to the touch and glowed with a pink hue, like a flamingo on a neon Mexican beer sign.
Alice’s nimble fingers danced around her feminine button and she rubbed it with care, as if it were Aladdin’s lamp. She needed no genie though. Her wishes were coming, and more than three times. Lost in her own ecstasy, the room surrounding Alice dissolved into a world of pure sexual bliss. A figure of Darren, tall, strong, and horse penis’d, like a centaur with only two legs, which is to say really just a normal man with a literal horse’s penis, emerged from a cave and mounted her in a flowing field of blooming flowers. Soaring in the sky above Darren’s already powerful thrusts, eagles screeched to the gods that dominant and admirable love was being made. Soon, wolves on a thousand mountaintops surrounding the field began to howl towards the sky as well, trumpeting Darren’s champion form for all of nature to hear and respect.
The magnificent dream came crashing down when Alice’s door was suddenly kicked in. The silhouette of a breathless man stood where the door had been moments before. For a fleeting moment, Alice joyfully believed it was Darren come to ravish her, but the man’s frame was too frail, his shorts were too long and baggy, as if there were an extra layer of pouched cloth attached to the outsides. No, it was not her love Darren there to make her dream a reality, it was the meager Gordon instead.
“Alice,” Gordon exclaimed. “Where were you at the pizza party? You missed a great time. Many people made friends. Now you’re missing kickball too. I came to check on you and I heard weird howling and screeching coming from your room. Is everything okay?”
Gordon had never heard an orgasm before and was thus confused by Alice’s pleasure moans, though in fairness, Alice’s orgasms were not what one would consider normal. Before Alice could explain she was overcome by a horrid smell emanating from Gordon.
“What is that vile stench!?!” Alice asked in disgust.
Gordon looked away in shame.
“I do not know. I was hit in the face with a rotten boat shoe earlier today by a powerful and evil man. A terrible odor came from it. When it struck me it cut my face. I tried to wash away the smell but it’s as if it has seeped beneath my skin and stayed with me.”
“It smells as if someone has boiled a rotten pig anus in urine and garbage water. The sewage of a thousand Calcutta lepers could not match the stink of your face,” Alice continued, her repulsion so strong that she forgot she was still knuckle deep in her panties.
“The man’s marked me with shame. I will have my revenge,” Gordon growled, now ashamed and angry that the girl he was so fond of could not stand his presence.
“Get out!” Alice ordered. “Out before this smell, this succubus’ queef, contaminates me. Before this room smells as if it’s an air pocket beneath an obese man’s breast.”
Gordon retreated. He was humiliated. Darren’s Sperry had left him marked as lesser, and he feared he may never live it down. Instead, he decided, he would seek revenge at the Alpha house. For perhaps besting such a powerful foe would win Alice’s affection and restore his stature, though Gordon was not aware that he had little stature to begin with.
Alice, meanwhile, dressed herself and prepared to finally be with Darren. She arrived at the Alpha house in haste. Inside was a rager indeed. The front was opened and Alice was welcomed inside. She was struck by the politeness of the greeter.
“DO IT POLITER NEXT TIME YA SHIT DICK PLEDGE!” roared a drunken active.
“The semester ended two months ago,” the pledge pleaded.
“Yer not initiated yet, ya shaft waxin’ pussy! Thas what ya get fer pledgin’ spring,” the active said.
Alice moved towards the stairs to find Darren on the second floor while the active made the pledge at the door chug from his handle of whiskey until the pledge vomited on a stack of old phonebooks. The active then berated the pledge for inhibiting the chapter’s ability to contact the outside world and swore the pledge would never be initiated into the fraternity. The pledge then mournfully returned to his front door duties.
Upstairs it did not take long for Alice to find Darren, who was finishing up a game of flip cup, in which he was the anchor. Darren urged his team on.
“FUCK YOU, DRINK! God-fucking-dammit I’m not losing to these hand-jobbers,” Darren shouted. “Fucking stick the landing you piece of shit!”
Darren’s encouragement rejuvenated his teammate, who flipped the cup perfectly on his next try. Then, in mere moments, Darren gulped his beer and flipped his cup with ease and precision.
So focused, so intense! Any man who can dominate a game of flip cup so is SURELY worthy of my virginity, Alice thought.
She tapped Darren on the shoulder. He turned and looked at her through glassy eyes. He had not stopped imbibing since last they met, and his mind was no longer inclined to record the events of the night.
“Heyyyyy YOU,” Darren said happily, never one to be upset by a strange, pretty girl greeting him.
“Do you remember me? From the garage?” Alice asked hopefully.
“I don’t even remember upper-decking the McDonald’s bathroom that I upper decked three hours ago, so no,” Darren replied.
“It doesn’t count as an upper deck if there is no upper deck, Darren. You just shit on top of that part on the back that has the auto flush sensor and the manual flush button,” a fraternity brother contested.
“It fuckin’ counts, dick,” Darren rebutted. “And no sweetie, I don’t remember you.”
Alice was disappointed, but resolved to not be forgotten a second time.
“You will remember me after tonight,” she declared before grabbing Darren and kissing him deeply. “Take me to your room and have me.”
The room erupted in cheers. It was glorious. Darren carried Alice up the stairs, falling only twice, as his drunken brothers serenaded them with a liquored up, pub sing-a-long rendition of Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You.” Alice pulled Darren’s Titleist cap off his head and placed it on her own.
Once inside Darren’s room, Alice leapt on top of him.
“Take me EVERY way,” Alice commanded.
Darren obliged. For the next hour Darren took Alice back to that meadow, surrounded by mountains topped with wolves trumpeting their love as eagles spoke of their greatness to the angels. Outside, Darren’s brothers and female guests laughed at the sound of Alice’s weird orgasms. Darren even Vine’d a little bit of it.
Alice, though, was lost in passion. Darren had his way with her, as she intended. Upside down, inside out, this hole and that; they made love in positions whose names were as odd and arbitrary sounding the job titles at a marketing firm, though infinitely more useful.
Exhausted and pleased beyond measure, Alice, who was now riding Darren, dismounted and exhaled. Her very soul may have left her and escaped to Heaven in that breath, her satisfaction was that great.
“Again in fifteen?” Alice asked.
“I’m gonna take a few shots and order some Pokey Stix, but yeah fuck it whatever,” Darren replied.
Darren started to get dressed and there was a knock at his door. It was the front door pledge come to find him.
“Sir, there’s some guy whose face smells like ass on the front lawn. He says he’s here to reclaim his honor,” the pledge informed him.
Alice knew right away it was Gordon. Darren mustn’t find out that she is acquainted with the ass-faced outcast.
“Did you tell that chode to eat a dick?” Darren asked, matter of fact.
“Apparently you did earlier I guess? Like those exact words almost, according to him,” the pledge informed him.
“So what? He wants to fight?” Darren had absolutely no idea what was going on, nor did he care.
“He says you threw a shoe at him and that the shoe’s stench marked him with shame I don’t fucking know sir will you just go deal with him?” The pledge pleaded.
“HEY! Don’t give me lip. You’re lucky I just got milked and I’m pretty chilled out. You know what? Fuck you, do wall sits,” Darren barked.
Darren informed Alice he was going downstairs to deal with Gordon. Alice was unsure what to do. Timidly she decided to follow Darren and see how the confrontation played out. She stayed in the shadows and the corners, so as not to be noticed by Gordon.
“Where is the bastard who made me this way!?!” Demanded Gordon from the lawn.
“Your face smells like shit in a blender that was full of dog poop and then blended it all up!” shouted a fraternity brother who, while not creative when sober, was even less so when intoxicated. Everyone in the house hated him.
“SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” Gordon demanded.
“The fuck do you want?” asked Darren as he walked outside.
“You made me this way! You gave my face this stench,” Gordon replied angrily. “I will have my justice!”
“I gave you an ass-face?” Darren asked sincerely. “You probably deserved it.”
“All I asked was that you not drink and litter,” Gordon said.
“Yeah, you deserved it. But hey, some chick just gave me the stress relief of a lifetime, so I’m feeling generous. I can disinfect your shitty face for you,” Darren offered.
Gordon was intrigued and agreed. Darren turned back to the crowd.
“Who’s got a bottle of Taaka?”
A pledge leapt out from the group and dutifully handed a full bottle of Taaka to Darren.
“Alright buddy, just hold still while I pour this whole thing on your face. This stuff is basically paint thinner and ethanol. If this can’t get the smell out, nothing will,” Darren assured Gordon as he began to pour Taaka vodka all over Gordon’s face.
Gordon began to scream in pain. The burning was severe. When Darren was done pouring he backed away in sudden horror.
“HOLY SHIT!” Darren shouted while the crowd gasped.
The Taaka had deformed Gordon’s face. Gordon screamed in pain and stumbled towards Darren, his arms outstretched. Darren, disgusted by Gordon, swung at the freak and connected a strong right hook to the jaw.
“Get the fuck away from me! Get the fuck out of here!” Darren said.
Gordon, in immeasurable pain, ran off into the night. He had also retained the ass-like smell on his face, because Darren’s solution was in no way based on anything other than a drunken hunch and extreme apathy to the outcome. Darren had given no fucks about whether or not it would actually work, he had mostly just wanted to see what would happen.
Gordon screamed back at Darren.
“I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! DAMN YOU! DAAMMMNNNN YOU!”
With that Darren shrugged and ordered Pokey Stix. In the time in took to deliver he and Alice, whose name he never did remember despite being told it seven more times, again made wild ape love. Once the meal arrived they feasted, and then Darren asked Alice to leave, because he was tired, and claimed he had a test in the morning.
Alice left satisfied, and looked up at the stars to thank the Heavens. Darren, meanwhile, awoke the next morning, and had to have a brother relay about 90% of what happened the night before to him.