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You’ve just finished housing another $5 pitcher at your favorite watering hole, when the urge to piss hits swiftly and violently. Unfortunately, you glance over at the bathroom and see a line as long, winding and packed as your lower intestine. Relieving yourself in a lawful manner is no longer an option. Follow this guide to peeing in public so you can drain the main vein without hefty legal fees draining your wallet.
The Dumpster Drainer
Pissing behind a dumpster is the most basic of public urination techniques. The tried-and-true method is the vanilla ice cream or the missionary position of the non-bathroom peeing world. You won’t be getting any style points, but it’s safe, effective, and the best way to avoid the sex-offender list.
(Side Note: There is a significant difference between peeing behind a dumpster and peeing into a trash can. One is for the private — the other, for the bold).
The Two-Story Tinkler
Look out below. I don’t recommend this one. There’s no discrete way to squeege from a balcony or a rooftop in a public place (believe me, I really tried to think of a way). Perhaps people won’t be suspicious of the incoming droplets if it’s windy and raining, but inclement weather may cause issues with blowback.
The Fridge Raider
“I just bought this milk yesterday…how is it sour already?”
Not technically public, but public enough. Sometimes the bathrooms at a house party will be out of commission. Some guy will be hugging the toilet seat on the middle floor, a group of girls will be doing there make-up or whatever the fuck girls do in the bathroom upstairs, and the basement bathroom…well, no one’s dared go in there since before you were in college. What are you to do? Piss outside in a bush and get busted by a cop driving by? Fuck no. You’re no chump. Aim for the veggies.
Hmm…there seems to be something wrong with your tire. The potholes on this street are a nightmare. Here, I’ll take a look for you.
The Wall Inspector
Now it’s time to get into the next-level shit. To execute the Wall Inspector effectively, locate a tacky item mounted to the bar wall. Ooh, would you look at that? An autographed poster of the 1985 Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad. OOH! A collection of license plates from every state. OH MY FUCKING TITS! Aerial photographs of baseball stadiums across America. You have to investigate. All that shit nobody ever looks at in a bar is there for this very reason. First, approach the targeted item. Then, unzip your fly and place one hand on your cock to direct the stream where the wall meets the floor (a massive stain dripping down the wood-paneling is a sure-fire way to make a photo of your face with the words “BANNED” printed over it the next wall ornament the bar installs). With the other hand, make like Sherlock Holmes and wipe some dust off a plaque or adjust the frame of a photo just so. Maybe rub your chin so you look like you’re really interested in that neon Coors Light sign.
The Piss Cup
For this one, you’ll need an empty cup, some killer upper-body dance moves, and a bladder that isn’t shy. First, unzip your fly and plop your shaft into the top of the cup. While one hand holds the cup, direct people’s attention away from what’s going on below the belt with other hand. Do the disco point. The steering wheel. Raise the roof. These are your pee-style dance moves. It’s classic sleight of hand trickery.
Make It Rain On Them Hoes
The best way to vanquish the urge to pee is pop a boner. The best way to pop a boner at a club is to find a girl getting weird on the dance floor who’s down for some consensual dry-humping. If you’re dancing for a while and you still can’t get it up… well, you’re both pretty sweaty at this point anyway.
Approach the bar and stand between two barstools. Then, call the bartender over and order your beverage of choice. While the barman is scooping ice and shit, whip out your lizard and urinate on the side of the bar. The bar counter and adjacent stools will conceal the deed. To minimize suspicion, keep your eyes up and make conversation with the bartender, preferably about your area’s rainfall levels or your favorite waterfalls (mine is the one in Niagara) or other topics that will help facilitate a speedy and successful urination.
Go In Your Pants
When all else fails, let your boxers take one for the team. Grab a beverage, find a crowded part of the bar so no one sees the yellow stream running down your leg, and let ‘er rip. Then, leading with the hand carrying the beverage, walk into a nearby person. As you bump into them, pour the beverage down the front of your body. The large stain extending from chest-to-groin will conceal the fact that you just pissed yourself like an infant. According to the laws of manhood, if you bump into a fellow male, you must shove him, say, “Watch where you’re going, dipshit,” then engage him in hand-to-hand combat..