Ducking behind a bush, Kevin and Monty peered across the street at the old church. People in long, dark robes slowly trickled through the front door. Their fraternity brother, Pudge, was somewhere inside.
Earlier in the night, Pudge had attempted to pick up a girl at the bar who had a triangle tramp stamp. She rejected him. He ran next door, got the same tattoo inked on his arm, and approached her again. She left the bar with him. Pudge thought he was about to get laid, but after Kevin and Monty ran into a vagrant with the triangle tattoo, the brothers learned that in reality, Pudge was about to be sacrificed by some sort of deranged cult. They had to save him.
“How the hell do we get in there?” Monty said, gesturing towards his button-down polo. “We don’t really look the part.”
“Beats me,” Kevin said with a mouthful of taco. His stomach grumbled. “Ugh, these tacos are really doing a number on my plumbing.”
They then saw two men in hooded robes walking in the distance. Kevin and Monty looked at each other and nodded. When the robed men strolled in front of the bush, Kevin and Monty popped out and grabbed them, pulling them into the shrubbery.
Inside the church, the hot girl with the triangle tramp stamp led Pudge upstairs. He was grinning from ear to ear, blissfully unaware that his companion’s plans for him involved a lot less sucky fucky and a lot more burny sacrificey.
“I can’t believe we’re gonna do this in a church!” he exclaimed. “You’re the baddest chick I’ve ever met!”
The girl led him into a storage room, closed the door, and tore off his clothes. She looked at his fat stomach and smiled.
“Your voluminous proportions will please our Father,” she said.
“Your father’s getting in on this? Kinda weird… but fuck it. Where’s daddy?”
She ignored him. “Lie face down on the bed.” She nodded towards a ratty cot in the corner of the storage room.
Pudge lay down on his front. She walked over to the side of the bed. Pudge heard her squirt something into her hand, then felt her rubbing oil all over his back.
“Massage oil? You’re too good to me,” Pudge breathed. “Hee-hee that tickles!”
He was none the wiser, but the girl was actually basting him in cooking oil.
“Stand up,” she said.
Pudge stood up. She tossed him a robe. “Put it on.”
Pudge happily obliged. “So is this like a role play-type thing? Ooh lemme guess! I’m the evil Sith Lord, and you’re my top trainee who knows her way around a lightsa—“
The girl pulled off her top and Pudge immediately forgot what he was saying. She unhooked her bra and squeezed out of the tight little daisy dukes that looked painted on her perfect ass. Pudge’s robe started to rise at the groin. He made a lightsaber sound effect. “Pssshhew!”
But as soon as she got naked, she too threw on a robe, then headed for the door.
“Follow me,” she said. “The congregation eagerly awaits your arrival.”
She led him downstairs and into the towering sanctuary of the church, which was flooded with people in robes identical to theirs. A man in a golden robe stood at the altar with his arms outstretched. To his side stood a row of men, also donning robes. Behind them, a massive fire roared in a big, Olympics-opening-ceremony-style dish.
As the woman led Pudge down the aisle, the people lining the pews turned and stared while chanting, “Doo rabba-rabba doo rabba-rabba!”
Pudge lit up like the belle of the ball. He greeted his humble fans with a queen-like wave as he passed.
“Well doo-babba to you too… my aren’t you friendly… hey man, nice robe, where can I get one? Ha!”
The girl led him to an empty pew in the front of the sanctuary and took a seat beside him. Pudge leaned in and whispered in her ear.
“Pssst, hey, we’re not getting married, are we? Cuz look, I think you’re a real sweet girl and you give bomb-ass massages and all but—”
“Greetings fellow Children of the Sun!” the man at the altar boomed. “We congregate here tonight to celebrate the arrival of the hundredth and final addition to our Order of the Triangle.”
“Doo rabba-rabba doo rabba-rabba!” the audience shouted back.
“It is a night we have waited many, many years for,” the man at the altar continued. “But at long last, the newcomer will greet the open arms of the Sun God and return him to us! Then, and only then, shall we be graced with the blessing if his eternal salvation!”
“Doo rabba-rabba doo rabba-rabba!”
Pudge tapped the girl on the shoulder and whispered in her ear again. “This Sun God guy sounds pretty chill, but like, where do I ‘greet’ him or whatever?”
She whispered back, “You will not greet the Sun God until after you enter the afterlife.”
“Afterlife, huh… is that like a new club in town or—”
“Brethren!” The man at the altar bellowed. “The time of reckoning is upon us!”
Two men grabbed Pudge by the elbows and lifted him to his feet.
“Hey, easy fellas,” Pudge said.
The men led him to the foot of the altar. The chanting of the audience grew louder and louder. The fire suddenly roared to twice its size and a big, neon triangle was lifted down from the rafters, hanging behind the man in gold. One of the robed men in front of the flames whispered at Pudge.
“Hey! Hey Pudge!”
Pudge turned his head.
“Pudge! It’s me, Monty!” Monty pushed his hood back just enough to show his face. The man next to him did the same. It was Kevin.
“Monty! Kevin! What are you guys doing here?” Pudge whispered back. “Are you guys going to that new nightclub too?”
“No you retard!” Kevin hissed. “We’re here to save y—oooouugghhh… fuck… I think those tacos just hit my lower intestine.”
Just then, the doors of the sanctuary swung open to reveal two battered, naked men. The chanting ceased and the hall fell silent. One of the naked men pointed straight at Kevin and Monty.
“There! Imposters! Those are the two that jumped us and took our robes!”
The entire room gasped, then spun their heads to fixate on Kevin and Monty.
“Fuck,” Monty said.
“I think I’m gonna blow,” Kevin said.
The congregation slowly rose to their feet and started walking towards the two fraternity brothers, punching their palms and cracking their knuckles.
Kevin and Monty each took a step back, but there was nowhere to go but into the flames of the blazing fire pit directly behind them.
“Well this is the end,” Monty said.
“Hrrrrrghh,” Kevin groaned.
Suddenly, the whistling sound of wind moving swiftly through a butthole pierced the air, echoing throughout the sanctuary. Caught in the gust of Kevin’s flatulence, the fire behind him blew horizontally, engulfing the stage curtains. In an instant, the fire covered the wall behind the stage and licked at the wooden ceiling. The sanctuary plunged into chaos as a hundred people swarmed the exits.
“Let’s go!” Monty shouted.
He grabbed a bewildered Pudge by the robe. The three of them spun around, desperately looking for an exit, but the way out was clogged with shrieking people. Thinking fast, Monty picked up a bible and chucked it through a stain glass window.
“Thank you, Jesus,” he said.
Just as a piece of burning ceiling crashed to the floor of the sanctuary, the three of them hopped through the opening and sprinted for their lives. They ran and ran and ran as far as they could (they had Pudge with them, so that was about half a block). Kevin and Monty put their hands on their knees, coughing.
Pudge lay in the grass on his back, his big stomach jiggling as it rose and fell. “You… mother… fuggers!” he panted. “You totally cock-blocked me back there!”
“Are you kidding me? We just saved your life!” Monty shouted. “Well really, Kevin’s fart saved all of us.”
“Actually,” Kevin said, “I think I broke off a little more than a fart.” He turned his leg to show off the stream of brown liquid dripping down his calf.
“What a fuckin’ night,” Monty said.
“Who’s hungry?” Pudge asked.
“I could go for some tacos,” Kevin said.
The three brothers headed for the nearest Mexican food stand. Smoke billowed on the horizon behind them. Sirens wailed in the distance.