The Girls You Meet In College As Classic Video Game Characters

The Girls You Meet In College As Classic Video Game Characters

The Princess – Princess Zelda

Her parents are alumni and her last name is on the science building, which her rocket scientist father donated the money to build. She had a Lexus parked outside of the dorm rooms freshman year and goes home on Sundays for “family brunch.” Since she was just a little girl, she’s had no problem sending boys on needless errands and quests for irreverent bullshit that she can’t handle herself. If you’re unlucky enough to get friend-zoned by her, run — don’t walk — in the other direction.

The One Who Got Away – Princess Peach

Homegirl loves to text you on Saturday night saying that she’s at the frat house next door and she wants to see you. You make your way across crowded lawns, through mobs of people, and over numerous pits of lava only to find out once you’ve reached the bowels of the house that she’s moved to the next one down the street. This will continue until you take a look around and realize you’re not even in the same town anymore.

The Gorilla – Donkey Kong

Maybe you had a little too much to drink and brought this girl home from the bar with you against your better judgment. You were careful not to wake your roommates but once you got down to business, her bellowing and chest thumping woke up the whole block. Now you have to make her climb down from your third story window so your boys don’t catch a glimpse of this wild beast and call animal control.

The Tomboy – Misty

Independent, fun, and with a great pet collection, this chick is one you genuinely enjoy hanging out with. The problem is that she spends a lot of her free time in gyms and occasionally wanders a few towns over. She’ll be no problem to keep up with at school, but beware of a long-term relationship with this minx, as she’ll most likely put her pets before you. Try to get in between her and her pets and they’ll literally kill you.

Druggy – Kirby

I don’t know what she’s on, but I definitely want some. Be wary though, because the drugs tend to make these chicks balloon up later on.

The Late Night Chirper – Navi

She has your number because you two were in a group project together or you begrudgingly gave it to her at a bar one night. Regardless, you want nothing to do with this one. She doesn’t seem to get the hint as she hits you up a few times a night: “Hey!” “Hey!” “Listen!” Even if you don’t respond to a word she says, she doesn’t hesitate to blow up your ass at the most inconvenient times possible.

The Helpless One – Natalya

Yeah, she’s a smoke but her head is basically empty with a few pebbles rattling around upstairs. With the one-two punch of dyslexia and severe ADD, this girl can’t be trusted to find her way to the damn bathroom without getting herself into trouble. You try to stick it out with her, but then you realize you’re doing all of her schoolwork for her just to get her clothes off. She’ll just end up as a Russian stripper or something like that anyway.

Outta Your League – Lara Croft

Confident, chesty, and well traveled, this is the rare woman amongst girls in your graduating class. She knows her way around weapons, and she knows how to handle your tool. (Did I really just write that?) You can only admire her from afar, seeing as an older guy with a full-time job and a savings account locked her down months ago.

The Cockblock – Bowser

Stomping around the bar and breathing fire at anybody who comes close to her friends (the princess, namely) this is the final challenge for most young men in social drinking situations. She’s the fat friend who decided that if she isn’t getting laid tonight, then nobody is getting laid tonight. You don’t have the balls to tell her off because she’ll unleash her nine brothers on you, who are all just as big and mean-tempered as she is.

The One For You – Ms. Pac Man

She’s your buddy’s twin sister who’s always been there for you since day one. With a healthy appetite and no time for the bullshit guys who ghost on her, she will be loyal and keep your life uncomplicated. She’s driven and focused, but will still let you be in control. This one’s easy to screw up, so do your best and it’ll hopefully all work out.

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. Has written for the Chicago Tribune, performed at Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago, Cobbs Comedy Club in SF and last year was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015.

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