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The Hunch Punch Handbook

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For as long as there has been alcohol, there have been brilliant inebriated minds trying to sway the taste into a more palatable realm. While some females turn their nose up at a delicious beer, a fluorescent mixture spewing from a 5-gallon cooler sporting a cardboard sign reading “Jungle Juice” is completely acceptable. This phenomenon has spurred hundreds of thousands of recipes so delicious and potent that even brothers nicknamed “Tank” or “Lard” will find themselves unconscious after a lengthy duel with this concoction.

Without a doubt, the ideal liquor choice for an acceptable hunch punch is pure grain alcohol. While cheap vodka and gin are also employed, the mixes sporting the harder stuff are usually the most (least) memorable. Whiskey, which in any other situation would be my intoxicant of choice, doesn’t usually do well in this case as its strong flavors often counteract the sweetness typical of a hunch punch. The same goes for tequila, but who the fuck wants to drink cheap tequila? Montezuma tastes like a mix of Raid bug spray and spoiled butter.

Your choice in mixer is just as important. One thing I’ve learned in my years of brewing punches as Social Chair is that Country Time Lemonade is your best friend. A few of these cans can dilute even the deadliest of drink down to a sweet summertime blend barely carrying the burning taste of the cheap liquor within. Frozen juice concentrate cans are just as good, as each little frozen citrus torpedo conceals alcohol as well as Anthony Davis conceals his knowledge for modern advancements in eyebrow grooming technology. Some hunch punches (as you’ll see at the end of this column) even allocate a 30-pack of beer as a mixer. Instead of wasting valuable cooler space on things like lemonade or juice, these punches throw in some good old fashioned American beer, taking the potency to the next level. And believe it or not, punches with beer taste pretty damn good.

The final two things to consider in your hunch punch adventures are the two easiest to overlook: ice and water. One must take care with the amount of H20 they contribute, because nobody wants to drink significantly weaker drinks later in the night. The best way to handle this situation is to add small amounts at a time, adjusting for taste. By the time girls arrive at your frat castle door, the blend should hold the perfect equilibrium between “delicious” and “two more of these might destroy me.”

Still lost in your hunt for the perfect hunch punch? Fear not, readers, because I’ve decided to include a few of my favorite recipes for you to distribute at your discretion. Believe me, these will fuck you up.

PPD (Pink Panty Droppers)

The name says it all. This simple pink blend mixes beer and vodka in the most delicious of ways, and the end result is a night with very little recollection and even less shame.

1 30-Pack Light Beer
1-2 Handles Cheap Vodka
2 Cans Country Time Pink Lemonade
Ice and Water, to taste

Jungle Juice

The one punch that every fraternity seems to have, yet none can agree on the proper way to make it. Here’s my take on the classic drunken shitshow juice of yore.

2 Handles Cheap Vodka
1L Grain Alcohol
2 Cans Limeade Concentrate
2 2L Sprite
2 Cans Kool Aid (flavor your preference)
Ice and Water, to taste

Loko Punch

Named after the formerly caffeinated malt liquor that lead to enough blacked out hospitalizations that they legally had to change the formula, this mix will have the added effect of keeping you partying long into the night. Not for the weak of heart or liver.

10 5-Hour Energy bottles
2 4-packs Red Bull
2L Grain Alcohol
1 Handle Cheap Gin/Vodka
2 2L Sprite/Fresca/7up/Who gives a fuck, you’ll be too drunk to care
2 Cans Country Time Lemonade
Ice and Water, to taste

Gin Bucket

So it may not be served out of an actual bucket, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t delicious and won’t cause you a debilitating loss of coordination. For bonus drunk points, eat the fruit afterwards.

2-3 Handles Gin
3 2L Fresca
2 Cans Lemonade Conentrade
2 Cans Limeade Concentrate
1 Shit Ton of Fruit (make pledges get it)
Ice and Water, to taste

Gummi Bear

This punch is so legendary and delicious that I had to literally beg my roommate for permission to share it with the world. This mix takes both the color and flavor of a clear Gummi Bear, and is potent enough to guarantee an evening of recklessness.

1L Grain Alcohol
1 Handle Cheap Vodka
6 Light Beers
1 2L Ginger Ale
1 Large Can Country Time Lemonade Mix (check Sams)
1 750ml Pomegranate Vodka

Think you’ve got a better mix? Leave it in the comments for the Total Frat World to judge. I’d also like to strongly discourage all readers from throwing in their own rapey additions to these recipes, you’d be better off skipping into traffic. No one likes a Fratdusky.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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