The Irresponsible Student’s Guide To Crushing Final Exams

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It came quicker than a boogie bomb on Fortnite. It seems like just yesterday you were on a beach somewhere, sipping beer out of possibly disease-riddled crevasses for spring break, and yet here we are. Exam week is upon us.

Final exams can be a bitch, and appeasing her is a daunting task when you’re not the most proactive student. So here are some quick tips and tricks for the unprepared as you head into the eye of a storm.

Study Tactics

Recently, after a particularly long smoke session, I took to my Netflix account for entertainment. As luck would have it, just a few scrolls down in the queue, I identified the “if you find yourself high as hell” category. I quickly came across an absolute gem from the year 2000, the timeless classic The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas. At this point, you are probably wondering where the fuck I’m going with this. Just hang on for a bit longer, friends. I promise it will all make sense.

In the movie, Fred and Barney are preparing for their final exams at the Bronto Crane Academy. While Barney has been studying tirelessly, Fred has a different approach and offers up the sagest advice that anyone could ever give.

All these other mugs are going to stay up all night studying, then when they finally do get to sleep, all the information’s just gonna fall right out of their heads. Now me, I’m way ahead of everybody. I’m not gonna study tonight. I’m gonna get a good night’s rest, get up extra early, and study in the morning. That way, everything will still be right up front in my noggin by the time I get to work to take the test.

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Now as it turned out, Fred had forgotten that the exam was actually that day and was not able to get any studying in after all, but still got to love where his head was at. The point is to not burn yourself out. Don’t cram your dick off the night before. It’s not healthy. Instead, sleep well the night before and then cram your dick off the day of. You still won’t absorb much information, but at least you’ll be alert enough to try and figure things out.

Find Your Fuel

Now if you’re just going to completely ignore advice above and turn your mind into a pretzel, that’s fine too. You need to find the stimulant that works best for you and ride that motherfucker out. Is coffee your game? Maybe you’re more of an Addy guy? Perhaps energy drinks are more your hat. Whichever one of the above items makes you want to run through a wall, while simultaneously reorganizing the whole layout of your place, while also sending your ex-girlfriend a seven-page love letter, ride with it. That is the juice you need to get through the finish line.

Just, whatever you do, DO NOT mix ALL of them together. For legal reasons, I have to say this so when you O.D. snorting pre-workout my hands and conscience are clean. Red Bull is for mixing with alcohol, not drugs that you most likely don’t have a prescription for. We don’t need any hearts bursting out of chests just so you don’t have to retake Biology. It’s not worth it.

Suck Up

Everybody hates a kiss ass. That being said, sometimes when the chips are stacked against you, you’ve got to resort to some drastic measures. You fucked up. When you were supposed to be going to class, you were busy screaming at 12-year-olds half a world away on a video game. As embarrassing as it is, going to your professor and begging for a change in your grade can be remarkably effective. My script for those types of convos usually goes something like this:

“Hey, Professor. My name is Dent. I’m in your GEO 150 class. Listen, I had to take this class as a general education requirement and no matter what I do, I just can’t seem to understand the difference between dolomite and limonite. While I have tremendous respect for what you do, I am going to school to become a financial analyst and I don’t see how this skill will translate to that. Is there anything I can do to better my grade at this point?”

The above has gotten me out of countless jams. The key is to find a happy medium between keeping it real and pandering. Usually, they’ll either throw you an extra credit assignment or be super lenient when grading your exam. Or if they’re Satan, they could end up being a total asshole about the whole thing. It really depends, but it’s worth putting your ego away to give it a shot.

Cut Loose

It takes a real dummy to head into an exam totally blind. Find out where you stand ahead of time, assess the damage, and then relax. Although us degenerates treat it as such, the final exam is not designed to be the last ditch effort to turn it all around. More often than not, you’re either on one end needing a 136% to pass or on the other needing a 156% to leap up a grade. That’s just the way these things go. Even equipped with the best advice, there isn’t going to be a ton that you can do.

So sit back, shotgun a beer, and give your best go of it. You’ll either be heading into May with a few more credits under your belt or you’ll be heading to the registrar’s office to sign up for summer school. Good luck, my dudes and dudettes. Chances are you’re going to need it.

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Dent is a washed up former athlete who swears he's totally over his ex-girlfriend. One of these days he'll get around to applying to a real job, but until then he'll keep pumping out lackluster articles while downing copious amounts of Natty Light.

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