“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this…and totally redeem yourself!”
First, let’s rewind a bit to last week when the news broke about the Kappa Sigma fraternity at Tulane University getting busted with enough narcotics to kill a family of elephants. To recap, the police seized $10,000 worth of drugs from the fraternity house, including: 107 grams of ecstasy, 57 dosage units of LSD, 69 grams psychedelic mushrooms, 48 grams of opium, 22 grams of marijuana, .80 grams of cocaine and .91 grams of DMT (dimethyltyptamine). That’s a party.
Naturally, they wanted to mitigate the situation as much as possible and preserve their campus reputation, which I can only imagine was sterling before this unfortunate incident went down.
When you become the center of an embarrassing, campus-wide, news-worthy fiasco — be it something minor like a harmless school prank gone awry, or something major like harboring a couple fraternity brothers that mail ordered a laundry list of illegal narcotics to your chapter’s house with intent to distribute — everybody, and I mean everybody knows the only way to nip a situation like this in the bud is to gather and destroy every school newspaper.
From The Tulane Hullabaloo:
Tulane University Police Department is investigating the theft of more than 2,000 copies of The Tulane Hullabaloo’s Feb. 28 issue from newsstands across the university’s campus on Thursday.
So, do we have any eye-witnesses? Did anyone see the perps?
Hullabaloo staff writer Sam Fishman said he saw two men stealing and disposing of newspapers near Phelps House.
“I saw them walking with two stacks of paper in each hand, so I followed them,” Fishman said. “I saw them open the recycling bins behind Phelps, and one guy threw it in.”
Fishman said he was able to take cell phone pictures of the two men and has provided the photos to TUPD.
And of course they went with the hoodied bandit look:
Because here we are, 13 years into the 21st century, and university newspapers (the printed kind) have basically monopolized the media. They simply control all news outlets, so if they don’t let you know what’s happening, you’re just never gonna know. We don’t call school news rags “the information superhighway” for nothing, folks.
So, who better to delegate the responsibility of stealing and trashing these newspapers to — which contain the front page headline revealing your historical drug bust — than pledges? The only caveat to this almost foolproof plan is you’ve got to be discrete about it if you’re going to pull it off. After all, you are stealing, a crime in its own right.
Two Tulane freshmen have admitted to stealing and trashing 2,000 student newspapers that had a front-page article about a recent drug bust at the Kappa Sigma house, the same fraternity they were pledging.
Photographers for the Hullabaloo caught the two pledges, Jason Polsky and Alexander Montiel, in the act of tossing the papers into a recycling bin on campus.
I make fun, but I love these guys. I can’t imagine they’re taking home any ‘Top GPA Among All Greeks’ honors or anything, but I’d party with them.
School officials say the two [pledges] acted alone and without direction from the fraternity.
Plus, they’ve trained their pledges well.
Image via NOLA.com